HORROR TEN SPOT: My Favorite Halloween Hotties

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

I realize Halloween has come and gone this year, but somehow I already feel nostalgic. After making eyes with a number of choppy HALLOWEEN sequels on AMC’s annual run, and after reading Arrow’s take on who of the three – Michael Meyers, Freddy Kruger or Jason Voorhees – is the biggest onscreen lady’s man…I started to reassess some of the female suitors the holy triumvirate has come in contact with over the years. And while I’d argue Voorhees has seen the most pert tail come through his hallowed campgrounds, did you ever notice how many fine ass broads come into direct contact with Michael “Shatner face” Meyers? No wonder he’s so pissed off. Dude’s surrounded by ample bosom yet can never yield any action. Has to be frustrating, doesn’t it? Let paint the picture more clearly, below you’ll find my Top Ten HALLOWEEN hotties. Enjoy!

#1. MOLLY CARTWELL (MICHELLE WILLIAMS) – H20

Fuck it, I don’t care what you say…I’m wholeheartedly in the tank for Michelle Williams. Granted, in H20, at the age of 17 or 18, she still had some baby fat on her cherubic punim, not to mentioned a fucked up crimp-job, but if we’re talking about now…today…I don’t think any on my list tops the classic Hollywood allure of Mrs. Williams. This woman is angelic. Ethereal. Downright hypnotic. I love her! (did my passion really just yield a damn haiku?) Anyway, I’m also considering the career Williams has achieved in the wake of H20. No slight on the other ladies, but Williams has ascended to A-list status, working with some of the best filmmakers in the biz, starring in some of the most acclaimed and challenging films we’ve seen in the last half decade or so. Hell, she’s playing Marilyn Monroe for fuck’s sake! That right there should give you an impression of her natural beauty, her raw sensuality. Beauty and talent of the highest degree…Michelle deserves the gold

#2. NORA (TYRA BANKS) – HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION

I know, I know…Tyra has since become about as obnoxious a “reality personality” as we’ve come to see in recent years, but damn, there’s no denying how inextinguishably scorching the Victoria Secret model was back in the 90s. Near perfection! And in 2002, at the age of 28 or 29, the stunning Banks got to trade lines with immortal Busta Rhymes…so you know the acting is grade f*ckin’ A in HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION. Sarcasm aside, Banks really just rocks a glorified cameo in the film, but I couldn’t conscionably leave out the tall almond skinned goddess. HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION, along with H20, is probably the weakest entry in the franchise, but it did infuse the series with a newfound respect for the hotties. Banks was awarded rank over Bianca Kajlich, Katee Sackhoff, Daisy McCrackin and Marissa Rudiak…a lineup I’m actually jealous Meyers got to stalk and slash. Especially Tyra!

#3. SARA MOYER (BIANCA KAJLICH) – HALLOWEEN RESURRECTION

Admittedly, I’d never seen or heard about Bianca Kajlich (pronounced Ky-lick, which is erotic in itself) before the abysmal HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION, so in a sense, she’s the most unheralded actress of the bunch. Still, this chica is muy fuckin’ caliente! In fact, Bianca ranked #63 on Maxim’s Hot 100 list in 2007, so you know it’s official! Oddly, the ex-wife of soccer star Landon Donovan has a complete inability to scream, thereby necessitating dub-work in the scenes in which Meyers scares the piss out of her. Not the first, I’m sure. Actually, Bianca replaced Jacinda Barrett in the role of Sara Moyer in RESURRECTION, perhaps a role notable enough to score her a bunch of lasting TV gigs, notably Ammon’s favorite, “Dawson’s Creek.” And though she’s starred in “Rules Of Engagement” since 2007, she did two films in this year, 30 MINUTES OR LESS and HARD LOVE.

#4. ANNIE BRACKET (DANIELLE HARRIS) – HALLOWEEN REMAKES 1 & 2

As a longtime AITH favorite, there’s no way in hell I’d omit the oh so lovely…check that, the increasingly lovely…Mrs. Danielle Harris. No, we’re not going pedophilic on you, because even though Harris appeared in HALLOWEEN 4 and 5 as a child, it’s her return to the franchise refashioned by Rob Zombie that we’re so impressed by. The gorgeous gal has come full circle, and just as she continues to champion our beloved genre, she continues to get hotter as well. Hell, she could have landed the Laurie Strode role over Compton, and I’d have bought it. What I love most about Harris, in addition to her petite physique, is the softness, the vulnerability she’s so great at eliciting. When under duress, you just want to bundle this poor girl up and bear hug her for dear life.

#5. (LAURIE STRODE) SCOUT TAYLOR COMPTON – HALLOWEEN

Not for nothing, but with new blood pumped into a moribund franchise came increased sex-appeal in the lead character of Laurie Strode. And while I’d argue Laurie’s looks have been a marginal part of her being a “final girl,” it’s pretty clear Scout Taylor Compton lends a more desirable quality than Jamie Lee Curtis. Right? Right! First off, she looks and acts like a modern day teen…her pert nubile frame essentially being what high-school punks’ wet dreams are made of. Makes sense, as Scout was 17 or 18 at the time of making HALLOWEEN, Jamie Lee was 19 or 20. This not only lends credence, but an innate innocence is drawn that makes you want to see the girl protected at all costs. Also, just aesthetically speaking, Scout has a sexy mussed-hair, Goth-punk appearance that comes as a breath of fresh air to the classic Hollywood beauty most leading ladies embody.

#6. JAMIE LLOYD CARRUTHERS (J.C. BRANDY) – HALLOWEEN 6

No wonder the Rudd man took Part 6, dude had to keep up the hot coworker quota. The same year he was mixing it up with those valley bitches in CLUELESS, he got to trade lines with both Marianne Hagan and this fine lady, JC Brandy. Lucky f*cker! As we mentioned the character of Rachel Carruthers above, here’s her kin, Jamie Lloyd…played by the then 20 year old British ingénue. JC has it all; the arresting blue orbs, the supple lips, the petite frame…and that sexy English accent she desperately tries to hide from us like her character does from Meyers himself. Brandy has worked pretty steadily since. After doing a number of TV projects, it’s good to see her back in the genre, having appeared in Michael Biehn’s THE VICTIM last year and the 2012 thriller 333 coming soon.

#7. KELLY MEEKER (KATHLEEN KINMONT) – HALLOWEEN 4

Aside from the original, HALLOWEEN 4 has always been my favorite of the series. Many reasons account for this, not the least of which being the ultra-heat emitted from Kelly Meeker, the character played by the incendiary Kathleen Kinmont. Again, Meyers knows where the bread is buttered, so it isn’t at all shocking he eventually sets a big-boobed blonde in his sickened sights. Dude’s gotta prioritize, right? I’d do the same! Only 23 at the time, standing a statuesque 5’10”, Kinmont was the obvious standout in a dearth of sex-appeal the film had to offer. Ellie Cornell as Rachel Carruthers was certainly a looker, but nowhere near the head-turner Kinmont was. I mean, come on, you know you’re fine as wine when Lorenzo Lamas marries you. That not the ultimate seal of approval right there?

#8. NURSE KAREN (PAMELA SUSAN SHOOP) – HALLOWEEN II

Man, you ever cop a look at the chesticles of Pamela Susan Shoop in HALLOWEEN 2…you know, the nurse who packs more bust than Canton, Ohio? Yeah, that broad! Good heavens! Again, our boy Mikey knows what he likes, and when he finally tracks down his sister in the Haddonfield hospital, it isn’t Laurie he seeks out initially…oh no…dude’s got some serious perving to achieve. And as per usual, once Nurse Karen de-blouses and starts getting busy with some pencil-neck punk, Meyer’s can’t have it. So what does he do? Kills the fucker, hikes the temperature of the water, then boils the nurse’s pretty little face into a bubbling puddle of flesh. Notice how he leaves those monumental breasts alone…perhaps to admire postmortem. I mean, is titty-fucking a corpse still considered necrophilia? Think Meyers cares? I don’t, nor wouldn’t. Good to see Meyers, who has no regard for human life, can still appreciate a true work of art.

#9. KARA STRODE (MARIANNE HAGAN) – HALLOWEEN 6

Although HALLOWEEN 6 bares the oh so laughable distinction of starring an upstart Paul Rudd, let’s not overlook the fact the movie stars not one, but two worthily beauteous gals. The first one I’m calling attention to? The sultry redheaded goddess Marianne Hagan, who played Kara Strode in the 1995 sequel. With Jamie Lee absent, it’s more or less Hagan’s show, and beyond looking like a million bucks, she plays the damsel in distress quite admirably. The greenish eyes, the high cheekbones, the sexily slender frame…as a “final girl,” she hardly fits the prototypical mold…which is even more reason to fete her existence…she’s a definite breath of fresh air. Coming from Irish/Scottish/Italian/Belgian descent, Marianne is more than just a good looker…the lass has a B.A. from Duke and could have studied journalism in Columbia, but opted to act instead. And acting she’s returned to, having appeared in BREAD CRUMBS and STAKE LAND earlier this year, and has the Brad Dourif starring thriller LAST KIND WORDS in post.

#10. LYNDA VAN DER KLOK (PJ SOLES) – HALLOWEEN

Hard to find a more bubbly, adorable bit player in the late 70s, early 80s than the lovely PJ Soles, who I still fantasize about in that army uniform she wore in STRIPES. Appearing in CARRIE two years prior, you’d be hard-pressed to argue the original HALLOWEEN features a hotter gal than Soles, who plays the character of Lynda van der Klok. Meyers knows it…why else would he unceremoniously impale Lynda’s boyfriend and let him hang from a wall to bleed off? Jealousy perhaps? Sexual frustration? Massive blue balls? Whatever the case, Soles brings some much needed sex appeal to film whose primary lead is essentially a sexless being; a virgin in fact. It’s actually been argued Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) unleashes her pent-up sexual angst through violence against Meyers…in effect penetrating with a knife, instead of being penetrated by Ben Tramer’s dreamy c*ck. But it’s Soles who pays the ultimate price for her promiscuity; a price I’d oblige.