Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers. Who’s the biggest pimp?!

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

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I was surfing the web recently, looking for a cool pic to slap up on our AITH FACEBOOK PAGE, when I came across a still of Freddy Krueger sucking the life out of poor Sheila (“Wanna suck face?”) in Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4 (see it below).That pic sparked something in my hollow head and this question surfaced: “Has Freddy gotten laid in any of his movies?” Yeah, my grey matter is always tuned to s-m-u-t; what can ya do, I’m wired that way. So that genius query brought me to a vaster one: “What about Jason and Michael? They’ve whacked all kinds of hotties, but did they ever whack off in their faces? Deep…I know.

Why didn’t you tap this Jason?

So the idea for this editorial abortion was born, took shape as I fingered it for a couple of days and now here I am flushing it your way. Now don’t get me wrong, I am very much aware that KILLING is usually the equivalent of cumming for most of our beloved slashers. It’s just how the subgenre usually functions. With that, who gives a shit, I decided to do a competition none the less. Out of Freddy, Michael and Jason, who’s had the most “action” in their films and who is the top HORROR PIMP of the lot? Let’s break it down Burt Reynolds style and find out!

NOTE : Spoilers below! And this piece is meant to be in good fun.

NOTE 2: I wrote this from memory in terms of all the films, so yeah, am sure I forgot shit.

FREDDY KRUEGER

MY TAKE: Freddy is more of a dirty old man than a pimp. We all know he diddled kids (as per his back-story) and he seems to have an affinity for dudes as much as he has for dames. Yeah he was under the covers with Tina in Part 1, but we don’t know what he did other than healthy slashing. He whipped the butt of a gay Gym coach with a wet towel in part 2 (yeah he snuck that one in, but couldn’t wing pinching a girl’s nipple in any of his movies…boo Fred… boo!), he made out with Lisa in that same film and also let out his green gooey tongue onto her chest (well played sir, well played).

In Part 3 he made out with Joey, disguised as a sexy Nurse. He toyed with Joey again, disguised as a naked chick in Part 4. So needless to say, he has a thing for Joey big time, but I can’t say that’s getting him pimp points. He was in drags as a nurse in Part 4 but at the same time, he did give Sheila a pretty heavy kiss in that same flick, so yip-yip hurray for Freddy! Our burned pal got kinky again in part 6, impersonating a fat and disgusting incestuous dad and kind of got his groove back in Freddy VS. Jason. I gotta give it to the lad in terms of the latter; he actually got laid in an alternate ending for the flick (see it below)… so that lots of CHE-CHING for him right there. Yeah I’m counting it!

CONCLUSION: Freddy clearly has an oral fetish (he loves to flick his tongue at peeps), seems to have zero qualms getting it on with men or women and he enjoys disguising himself as hot, topless chicks. I think that Freddy is more of an all around perv than a pimp…but the fact that he actually GOT LAID is jacking up his rating…so his PIMP status is:

JASON VOORHEES

MY TAKE: Jason is kind of a clueless cock blocker. I swear that little (now big) retard drowned and came back before anybody could explain to him what a penis and vagina were. He either comes in and kills when somebody is about to get laid, while somebody IS getting laid or he waits till they’re done, pops up and ruins the mood. The Friday the 13th series is filled to the brim with hot poon. The twins in part 4 for example or Julianna “magic tits” Guill in the remake…damn! But he never gets into the mix! Why? Let’s try to find out. So in F13 Part 2 he interrupted a couple plowing away with a spear penetrated through them both. His idea of a threesome I guess.

In Part 4 he went skinny dipping with some chick, but instead of boning her, he took her out. In part 7 he came head to head with the ultimate Friday the 13Th slut “Melissa” (damn I wanted to nail that, and I stress the word “that”) but he bypassed whipping out his undead schlong in favor of putting an axe in her head (see unrated clip below). He did remove Tamara’s dress in Friday the 13th Part 8 sending her butt naked against a wall, so that counts for something. But then he broke a mirror and stabbed her… meh… really man?! You couldn’t have had fun with her before that mirror move? What’s wrong with ya cabron?

In Jason Goes To Hell, Jason possessed a naked man, interrupted a couple in the act with a pole in the wench’s chest (good one) and also tried to pass on his “Jason slug” through open mouth kisses. I’ll take it! I guess the closest Jas came to getting some was the random tit grab he pulled on that Adrienne chick in Jason X (smooth move there ace) but shame on him for not taking advantage of the two camper girls in the holodeck…shame. Same goes for Freddy VS. Jason and the Friday the 13th remake. He wants NATHING to do with chicks, sure he kidnapped one in the latter, but that was that on that. Jason doesn’t kiss, doesn’t peep, he just kills. I guess his mommy never thought him how to use it.

CONCLUSION: Jason doesn’t give a f*ck about the ladies. All he wants to do is kill them and move on to the next. My theory is that he’s impotent. He compensates with his long, phallic machete and lets out his frustration as to his lack of leverage via rage filled murders. But one thing is for certain, if there’s one psycho that had access to countless pussy; it’s Jason. And him only getting a tit grab out of it is a disgrace! Pimp rating is:

MICHAEL MYERS

Michael has a voyeuristic streak to him that’s for sure! In the first film, he got off on seeing his sister give up the goods (a kid’s gotta relax), and then repaid her for the show with some hefty knife stabs. Where Jason seems to just show up out of the blue while peeps are humping or just finished the doo, Mike is often just there, peering out of the darkness, clocking the show, hopefully getting off on it, so respect for that. He doesn’t get in the mix either though; which makes me wonder what the hell is his problem, but what can ya do, only Dr. Loomis knows for sure. In Halloween 2, Mike gets his fingers sucked on by some nurse, that’s already more action than Jason ever had, but then he drowned her in boiling hot water instead of getting her on her knees and making her play the Myers flute.

And what did he do when faced with the smoking hot Kathleen Kinmont in Part 4? He thrust a shotgun through her instead of thrusting something else. Michael is hopeless. He did have his own version of a ménage a trois in Part 5 when he penetrated a pitchfork in the back of some mook getting some in a barn, but once the competition out of the way, Mike killed the dame instead of making her play jump for cock. Mike went limp in H20 and in Rob Zombie’s Halloween flicks (1 and 2); he just seemed angrier than usual… no arousal there! Sure he chased a naked Danielle Harris around (see clip above – can’t blame the guy) but there was no delight in the TNA before him, there was disdain and fury and he made them broads pay for being shirtless. Mike, Mike, Mike… we don’t park our cars in the same garage.

CONCLUSION: Although Michael has voyeuristic tendencies which have to be esteemed; at the end of the neck-snap, he can’t get it up either, so that’s as far as he goes, he watches, salivates and murders out of irritation. And in the remakes, he’s mucho peeved about it on top of it, like he’s PMSing or something. I love ya Mike, but your pimp status is:

THE WINNER IS:

FREDDY KRUEGER!

And he wins by default not because he earned it 100%. Lets face it, a peeping-tom psycho and one that doesn’t know what a vagina is are not much in terms of competition. At least Freddy got laid, is an all around perv, he kissed a girl and liked it and transformed into some hot ass piece of ass… twice! So congrats Krueger! Ya win this one!