Every new year that comes brings us a crop of horror movies that blow us away. They (hopefully) break the mould and provide us with scares that we haven’t felt in years. Then there are the other types. Given that the sentiment on Twitter seems to be that Worst of Lists aren’t always necessary, we’ve decided to limit this list to movies we feel fail on almost every conceivable level (which is why you won’t see Exorcist Believer on this list). And since we don’t like to be ENTIRELY negative, we’ll be sure to throw in a silver lining for each film: a little bit of good amongst the bad. So grab your beverage of choice, and let’s throw some films under the bus as we get into the Worst Horror Movies of 2023.
First things first: a lot of people actually like this movie. A movie (which was streaming day and date) doesn’t do the kind of business it did without a solid chunk of people enjoying it. Heck I’ve even seen children call this their favorite movie of all time, bless their hearts. But I genuinely do not get it. This movie is boring, stale, and features one convoluted plot device after another. Imagine caring more about your dead brother than your very much alive sister, to the point that you keep falling asleep on the job because you won’t stop dream investigating. The same job you NEED in order to keep custody of your sister. This guy is just the worst. I don’t even feel bad about him being terrorized by these Chuck-E-Cheese-lookin’ dummies.
But the biggest sin this movie makes is that the Five Nights at Freddy’s series is known for one thing: Jump Scares. It’s what’s managed to give the game series the reputation it has. Yet they’re practically non-existent here. And look, I’m no fan of jump scares (they’re a bit cheap), but when you go into a movie set in the ocean, you expect water. So, the decision to almost entirely avoid them makes next to zero sense. There’s hardly any tension even, so I’m not entirely sure what the point of this was other than to appease game fans. And apparently, it’s now Blumhouse’s biggest movie ever. F*ck me.
Silver lining: This lawyer is absolutely hilarious and is easily the best part of the whole movie. And who doesn’t love a hammy Matthew Lillard?
Pet Sematary has never worked as well cinematically as it did on the page. While the original story from King is great, they just haven’t been able to get the concept across on screen properly. And Pet Sematary: Bloodlines is certainly no different. Writer/Director Lindsey Anderson Beer had a lot of hype behind her after being a flaunted Hollywood script doctor. But remarkably, the writing is one of the worst aspects of Bloodlines. Every character makes the worst decision they could make at any moment. And these people do not speak like normal humans. I had such trouble caring about anyone in this cast that my only reprieve was from Henry Thomas. At least he seemed like he cared. Even Duchovny feels like he’s sleepwalking through his role! Dammit, Mulder, I expected more out of you!
The concept of following Jud Crandall as a young man is actually a great starting point. We’ve seen this character clearly has a history with the Pet Sematary, so it feels like a no-brainer. But if anything, the story makes Jud look like a complete moron for staying. The number of people who are useless in this story is downright impressive. Pam Grier literally just shows up to wear a bad prosthetic and die. And no one seems to be able to grasp the concept that maybe these dead people who want to murder others probably are bad people. If you can even call them people.
Also, I want to spotlight the fact that the last we see of Norma, she’s being hunted down and being held up by the re-animated Donna. Then, when Jud goes into the hospital shortly after, he finds writing in blood. And he’s back to meet up with others, all pissed. We don’t hear anything more about Norma until she’s magically back with Jud at the end of the movie. Then what was the point of this entire stalking sequence if she’s just going to be a-okay?! One of many
baffling decisions here.
Silver lining: Henry Thomas, I guess?
I really enjoyed Freaky, and Justin Long has become a bit of a Scream King in recent years. So a film starring Long, and written by the guy who did Freaky, seemed like a treat for Horror/Comedy fans. But there’s almost nothing that works about It’s a Wonderful Knife. Which is too bad because Christmas Horror can be really great. The story here is pretty simple: after Wendy Carruthers stops a psychotic killer, she winds up in a parallel universe where the killer was never stopped after she wishes she’d never been born. Sound familiar? Surprisingly, all of the It’s a Wonderful Life callbacks are some of the worst elements, as they feel very lazy and superficial. Several times they disrupt the narrative just to try and throw some kind of reference in. All of these things are so stupid that Wendy just comes across like a baby for wanting to take things to such extreme measures.
Not to mention the fact that the parallel world feels so unrealistic and awkward that it’s hard not just to poke holes in the plot. Hell, the film is set in Angel Falls, and the killer is known as The Angel. You’d think they’d know how to have fun with it. But instead, everything is dour. We even get a scene with teens doing meth for… reasons. I’m sure many people will try the film out due to Joel McHale and Justin Long, but they’re hardly in the movie. And when they are, they aren’t very good. And it features one of the worst endings in recent memory, not giving a single thought to anything other than wrapping things up with a bow. I enjoyed the Killer’s main weapon and their look, but when said killer constantly relies on convenience and happenstance, they lose so much of their aura.
Silver Lining: I’ve always wanted a killer who wears all white, as there’s so much to play with when it comes to the killer hiding in the snowy environment.
As certain trademarks and copyrights start to expire, we’re sure to see more and more literary works adapted by independent filmmakers (God Forbid what will happen with Mickey Mouse’s copyright lapses in January). And everyone knows that you’re going to go cheap and want to impress; you dive into horror as the lower budgets are more forgiving with the blood and guts variety. And I have to give it to the filmmakers here; they could have easily half-assed it in the cinematography department, but the film is actually decent-looking. Unfortunately, that’s all I have in terms of positives, as this is quite a grim affair. The credit sequence is a poorly done animation that doesn’t fit in with the rest of the film. And then there’s the kills: they’re just so unexciting and dull. You’d think that they would have at least a few decent ones, but they all suck. And the biggest sin the movie makes is that it’s just not fun. It’s dark and grisly, and it doesn’t earn any of it. This is a boring experience and doesn’t succeed at anything it’s going for, making it an easy pick for our list of the Worst Horror Movies of 2023.
Silver lining: There’s not a whole lot here but the fact that they’re so quick to make a sequel and are already switching up the design of Poo, makes me hope they’ll go a more schlocky route.
I think it hurts a lot more when a bad movie comes from someone who impressed just the year prior. Sure, we featured Bring it On: Cheer or Die on our Worst Of list last year. And that comes from the same writer, but we also gave high marks to Glorious, one of the year’s big surprises, and comes from the same writer and director. But with that comes higher expectations, so I went into Elevator Game expecting great cosmic horror and a tightly crafted story. Instead, I got a lazily written story where the characters make boneheaded decision after boneheaded decision. Don’t get me wrong, I love to hate watching characters in bad horror. Their eventual demise is all the sweeter. But there’s no enjoyment to be had here.
These characters don’t act like normal human beings, let alone normal teens, and there isn’t a single one to root for. But the movie fails at its premise: a group of friends from high school created a paranormal show and they need a big episode to keep their sponsors. So they partake in the Elevator Game, a ritual in which players attempt to travel to another dimension. Unfortunately, that dimension is nothing more than neon lights and jump scares. This felt like someone in their senior year trying to figure out what adults do for money and failing to understand how life works.
Silver Lining: The opening is quite effective.
But hey, not every single swing hits a home run. Sometimes, you just have to take your licks, pick yourself up by your bootstraps and try again. And all of these creators are absolutely capable of creating great work so here’s hoping that their next project ends up on lists that are a little more flattering.