the grave with amazing dream controlling powers and a razor sharp hand isn’t
your bag. What should you do with your life now? Well an option that’s often
overlooked is that of a skin-wearing- chainsaw-dancing- teenage-killing maniac.
That’s right folks, this week we’ll examine the steps to becoming Leatherface.
Unlike Freddy, Leatherface is a highly complex individual to
emulate, with layers of mental anguish piled upon years of abuse and neglect.
Becoming a chainsaw wielding maniac will not be an easy task, so follow these
steps carefully.
1. Hopefully your reading this as a child, if not, please read
the following to your inner child. You have to have an incredibly turbulent
childhood filled with crazy experiences that will scar you for life. I would
suggest going down to the railroad and when a random hobo asks you if “You’ve
ever seen a dead body before”, kindly go with him and do what he says.
2. Start hitting the gym and eating right. Your going to spend a
lot of time chasing teenagers through houses and fields, so do a lot of cardio.
Compliment that with a good chest and shoulder workout because swinging that
chainsaw is much harder than it seems. How embarrassed would you be if after
only 5 minutes of chasing you are too tired to continue the pursuit!
3. As a crazy chainsaw wielding
maniac your best friend will be, well, your chainsaw. So deciding on what sort
of chainsaw to choose is a tough decision. A lot of amateur killers are going to
want to go out and buy the biggest saw they can find, like the
Stihl 880. Now even though the 880 comes with a
8.7HP engine, it weighs nearly 22 lbs. You have to remember that you’ll be
chasing kids around with this thing, and often swinging it wildly. So I might
suggest starting with something a little smaller like the
Stihl MS 361 which weighs in at only 10lbs, but
still has enough horsepower to cut through bone and sinew alike. (Also Stihl
offers a VW Arctic option with the latter, that includes a heated handle for
when you’re chasing those kids in the dead of night!)
4. While in high school invest some time in a home economics
class. Here you’ll learn valuable lessons that you’ll be able to use later in
life, like sewing and food preparation. Oh and those bullies that tease you
because your in a home-ec class, don’t worry about them. They’ll get theirs soon
enough.
members. You can’t lure kids into your crazy dilapidated farmhouse and be
the crazy skin wearing chainsaw killer. You’re going to need a family that’s
equally crazy as you to help carry out these deeds. Maybe when you visit the
hobo in step (1) you could take your brother with you. Also slowly adding
mercury to your families food over the years is a good way to keep them on the
‘crazy train’.
6. Before you start killing horny-drug ravaged teenagers,
rob a few graves. Try and choose ones that have been recently buried. With
your newly acquired corpses, reupholster the home furnishings and use the bones
to make lamps. Save the faces though, were going to need those in the next step.
7. All those years of hobo rapes and mercury poisoning have left
you with deep emotional scars, and what better way to cover up those scars than
by wearing someone else’s face! Once you’ve peeled the face off the skull, leave
it in the sun or under a UV light for a day or so, allowing ample time for it to dry out. You may
also want to make sure to have some Clearisil on hand because wearing other
people’s skin can reek havoc on your pores. Oh and a little tip; put a tiny mint
leaf in the skin mask with you. It’ll help keep the mask fresh and eliminate
that death smell that comes along with you wearing someone else’s face.
8. When choosing victims it’s important not to discriminate.
Discrimination will only lead to a lawsuit and a long drawn out court case that
you don’t want or have the time for. So kill everyone equally, and just think;
“Even though he’s in a wheelchair, I bet if Franklin had a chainsaw, he’d hurt me with it.”
blood-lust as you, but hasn’t been able to kill teenagers on his own since the
Taft administration, so make sure you let him get a little of the action. Drag
his moldy old ass down from the attic and let him take a couple of swings at
some fresh eyed teeny-bopper. (I mean after all he did used to be the best!)
become Leatherface you have to be able to do one thing well; dance! That’s right
fellas, even though you dread doing it at weddings and awkward single’s mixers,
once that saw’s in hand you better be able to cut a rug Swayze style. May I
suggest at least 2 years of ballet and 4 of jazz-tap before you start killing
doped up college kids?
Well there you have it folks. Just
another turn off to take on your path through life. Hopefully this will help to
inspire the youth of today to do well in school, remain close with family, and
learn to fully appreciate heavy duty power tools.
So enjoy, and next time well discuss how to use a chainsaw in a more positive
manner; like when your trapped in time and low on gas!