Published by: D-Dub Software
Developed by: D-Dub Software
Release Date: 2008
Available on: PC
INTRO: Alright, here we go. We’re talking about Bonetown here, a game that claims to be an ‘action/adventure/porn game’ that has been kicking around on the internet for a couple of years. This is a game about having sex with as many women as possible. It is a game about your balls growing bigger as you have more sex. Ready?
GAMEPLAY:
I’ve got to be honest guys, I am not certain I’m the best person to review this game. Now, don’t get me wrong- I am a red-blooded Canadian male and I appreciate and enjoy the female form and all that it has to offer. With that said, I’m not so starved that I feel the need to play a porn ‘game’ that has cartoony characters having graphic sex with each other. At the end of the day, it feels weird and I feel kind of stupid for trying to do it. This one had me playing late at night to ensure there were no prying eyes wondering what the hell I was trying to do.
Anyway, the game. You start things off by creating a character and then you wind up on ‘missionary beach’, where some at dude is pissing on you and mumbling about a jellyfish. After you awkwardly beat him to a pulp, you meet Candie, the chick who explains that you’ve got a small ball sack. This is the problem for you; you can’t nail any of the really hot girls in town unless you grow your nuts.
That’s really the gameplay- you have sex with ‘gross’ girls like whores and fat ladies in order to work up to the ‘ideal’ women who are skinny and hot. Of course, it’s not that easy and you must stop “The Man, Inc” from taking over Bonetown and making it morally acceptable. You’ve got to steal identities (which really helps because you can steal the person’s stats too, which avoids tedious leveling up) and get sexual favors to heal your wounds (if you aren’t rated well, you have to pay for it!). From here you turn into some stupid redneck character who gets you to do little open world missions to save Bonetown. I can’t believe I’m typing this.
Let’s talk about controls, shall we?
SEX! You get to have it. You get to choose what sex you want, then you have to match up your power meters until you wear the girl down. Then you slowly level up your balls. This sounds fun and it’s worth a chuckle the first few times but you’ve got to have a lot of sex in order to get things going for your little sack, and the higher up you get, the harder the sex is (JUST LIKE REAL LIFE). When you look forward to an awful, camera tilted fight instead of virtual sex, you’ve got problems.
Want to fight? You click the mouse buttons and you can block with the wheel. You are going to be doing a lot of fighting and get ready for frustration, because your mouse controls the camera, which makes things go super haywire. Do you like to take drugs? Well good, because you get to take all kinds of drugs and alcohol to power yourself up in weird ways. You need these things too because it’s easy to get beaten up and fail at your attempts which will plunge your stats to a heartbreaking level.
There are a lot of missions to do, and although they’re all zany (involving pimps, whores, and even pygmies) they don’t offer a lot of variety and become really tedious after awhile. And yes, many races, body shapes and stereotypes are represented and Ron Jeremy is in the game.
Gameplay: 5/10
GRAPHICS:
Graphics are really, really cartoony, probably to avoid being too explicit. The characters have big eyes and exaggerated features and the scenery is bland. The scenery is sort of bland and the animation is pretty awful, really. The game looks like GTA III crossed with that awful CGI Red Riding Hood flick, Hoodwinked.
Graphics: 4/10
AUDIO:
The music is harmless enough, with some jazz and and R and B peppered in for good measure. The voice clips are AWFUL, with grating voice acting from all involved (really, really dirty stuff that sounds terrible) and the sex clips are just unbearable, as you hear a lot of the same moaning and groaning over and over again.
Audio: 6/10
FINAL VERDICT:
This game is two years old and feels like it. If you really need to play a bad GTA clone that has a lot of sex and offensive material in it, you should pick this up. Like I said before, I am not a prude and I dig sex as much as any other dude but come on. If you get an Ice Cream Sundae, you love the little cherry on top. If you had 30 cherries on it, it would feel like overkill. This feels like the Hot Coffee in GTA taken to the absolute extreme and after about a half an hour, really loses a lot of appeal.
Final Score: 5/10