TV Review: American Horror Story Hotel (Season 5, Episode 6)

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

EPISODE: ROOM 33

THE SCOOP: When John discovers Alex and Holden sleeping in a crypt inside the Cortez, the conniving new vamp takes drastic measures to keep him at bay. Meanwhile, a dark secret of The Countess comes back to haunt.

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW. IF YOU'VE NOT SEEN THIS EPISODE YET, STOP READING HERE.

THE SKINNY: Time for just desserts! After the gluttonous helping of utter grisliness that "Room Service" rolled out last week, we now amble down the surreal halls of the Hotel Cortez to spend a little time in "Room 33." But first, we flash back to 1926 Los Angeles to pick up a younger, pregnant Countess entering a doctor's office. She's ready to come to term after only three weeks, and when a late abortion is attempted, her vampiric bloodsucking offspring attacks an orderly and preys on her remains. The rotten apple ain't that far from the tree! As for the present, John awakens from a hazy nightmare to find his missing son Holden running around the halls of the hotel. John follows him into the cold slumber-crypt in the empty swimming pool where he, and remember Alex from last week, lay dormant. John, in his somnambulant stupor, gets knocked out by Alex and fed a strong sedative to put him even deeper under for awhile. Yet when he comes to, he's quick to recollect what he saw. Yet with tremendous foresight, Alex and Liz quickly haul out the coffins and make like the whole sleep-chamber never existed. John thinks he's crazy.

And John isn't the only after the little tykes. Knowing that the plump storage of young blood is how the Countess stays eternally youthful, badass Ramona and jilted ex Donovan show up looking to vengefully fell each one of those creepy little blonde haired grommits. But no dice. The line of recourse? Ramona asks for the keys to Room 33, where she seeks the sadistic services of Bartholomew – a hideously deformed black-eyed demon child – yes, the odious offspring of the Countess. In the meantime, Liz Taylor has stuck up a torrid affair with The Countess' cast aside boy-toy Tristan. Denis O'Hare gets to show what a great actor in a few tender, if quite bizarre, moments where he confesses his undying affection for what he deems is more than just a model. When Liz realizes Bartholomew is missing, he alerts Alex and puts out an APB. This gives Liz and Ramona a chance to catch up, with the latter warning that former that if she indeed is in love with Tristan, she ought to run off with him at once before the Countess finds out. Yet, mustering the balls to just outright tell her, a scaled pitch to soap-operatic heights is quickly sullied when the Countess shreds a sharp nail across Tristan's throat and delights in Liz watching her one true love leak a lifetime of gore before her eyes. Ice cold!

If not that, the best and most violent stints of the episode come when Donovan, perusing the upper-floor, runs into a pair of gorgeous blonde sightseeing Swedes. He entertains them with a story from the past, which gives us a look at a nasty bloodbath a former tenant at the Cortez suffered after committing suicide. He convinces the gals that the Hotel has a mind and spirit of its own, and needs fresh blood to keep afloat. The spurns the sexy bitches to go buck-wild on a horny perv in another room, where they seduce his dumbass before ultimately slitting his throat and bludgeoning his chest-bone with a large knife. Dude bleeds out in glorious fashion, the sexy gals reveling in their work. More devious yet, Alex stumbles upon the mess, and knowing John is in such easily manipulated headspace at the moment, implores the blonde gals to seduce her husband outright…you know, to keep John occupied. The poor sap falls for the ruse, yet in the middle of a artistically gory orgy, realizes he's covered in actual blood. That's good enough for him to pack up and check the f*ck out! Thing is, at home, he discovers old Bartholomew crawling through his goddamn kitchen. He fires a few rounds at him, which terrifies and incenses Scarlett. Alex returns the face-caved deformity back to the Countess in Room 33, showing a token of gratitude for saving Holden weeks back. A different stripe, but payback's a motherf*cker!

All totaled, I dug the time spent in Room 33 quite a bit. Though scaled back just a tad from last week, the varied bits of violence were intense and entertaining enough to keep us sated. Hell, that Tristan throat-job was a real piece of work! Beyond that, I like the way Alex is disaffiliating with John and sadistically siding with the Countess. Will he get her back? If so, how? The introduction to the Countess' deformed monster of a son that she keeps hidden one of the rooms was a refreshingly creepy new angle I was not expecting. And that last shot? F*ck me! That baby's face looks a putrid, rotting, vagina-dentata-nosed Uncle Fester. Yikes! I just wonder how Ramona let the little f*cker out of her sights, and what her new course of vengeful action against the Countess will be. I also wonder what, if anything, will pull John back into the Hotel Cortez and how he'll handle it. Plenty of light to be shed guys and ghouls, let's see how the "Flicker" of next week fares!

KILL OF THE WEEK: Most certainly the sudden slaying of Tristan. Just when you thought the Countess was a little more warm-blooded and heartfelt than first seemed…nope. Bitch clean ripped, diced and flayed Tristan's trachea and made Liz watch him bleed off to death. Gnarly!

BLOOD & GORE:

• A literal bloodbath upon suicide, body decomposing for months.
• Severely lacerated throat, loads of gruesome bodily fluids.
• A brutal chest-bone stabbing.
• A carved up stomach and mountain of desiccated entrails…crusted guts everywhere.

WTF CHARACTER MOMENT: Liz and Tristan could have jumped ship. Better yet, why didn't Liz hold Bart hostage in return for liberation. As the resident know-it-all, Liz wasn't thinking too brightly this time out.

MOST BIZARRE SCENE: I know he was three sheets to the wind and all, but I can't tell if that dreamily surreal threesome with the Swedish chicks was entirely real. I mean, James March made an appearance, thanking John for finally truly checking into the Hotel. Does that mean March is indeed more than just a figment of John's imagination?