Top 10: Modern Vamp Movies that Bite #2

Last Updated on July 28, 2021

Written By Serena Whitney:


Everyone has their favorite types
of horror movies to watch. You’ve got your supernatural, werewolf, slasher, and
ghost fanatics. I, on the other hand am into the vampire genre. Not the classic
Universal/Bela Lugosi vampire films, but the modern day vampire movies.

It’s because of my love for these movies that
have led me to watch some real stinkers in my time. Terror, seduction, great
special effects makeup, casting, appropriate usage of fake blood and a unique
plot are key elements in a truly memorable vampire movie. (e.g. The Lost
Boys, From Dusk Till Dawn, Fright Night)

But, so many vampire films seem to be missing
these elements or they only rely on just a few of them. Here is my list of
modern day vampire movies that really suck. (no pun intended).

By the way, I know there are most likely
worse vampire movies out there, but luckily I had enough common sense to know
that any straight to DVD vamp films, (e.g Carmen Electra’s
American Vampire)
were not worth watching.

WARNING HUGE FREAKING SPOILERS – READ AT YOUR OWN
RISK!

5. Embrace of the Vampire

BUY THE DVD HERE

This movie is a soft-cored porno disguised as a vampire movie. (But I should
have known that considering the cast.) This film stars Alyssa Milano as a
“virginal” freshman student who spends most of the movie in lesbian situations,
dreaming about threesomes, walking into vampire group orgies, being horny for
the lead vampire and gratuitously baring her breasts for most of the damn movie.

I guess the filmmaker thought the overbearing sexual situations
would most likely make up for the apparent lack of vampirism in this film.
WRONG! If I wanted to watch soft core porn, I would be watching the “Showcase”
channel. (Inside Canadian joke)

4. The Forsaken

BUY THE DVD HERE

When I first heard of this flick, I was really excited. I thought I was going to
see a frightening vampire road trip film like Near Dark, but instead this
film just felt like a rip-off of John Carpenter’s Vampires. (Considering
what I had to say about Vampires in part 1 of this article, you can tell
I was not very impressed.)

To
be quite honest, I hardly remember this movie. I remember seeing two then WB
stars, the incredibly good looking but not very scary main vampire played by
Jonathon Schaech, a girl getting bit near her crotch, very annoying and quick
cuts, and so-called vampires that didn’t actually transform into f*cking
vampires! This flick did not strike any fear into me.

3. Bordello of Blood

BUY THE DVD HERE

What do you get when you mix Dennis Miller, Corey Feldman, an ex baywatch
actress, an actress known for roles in soft core porn, and vampire hookers? A
very f*cking awful movie, that’s what. I’m a fan of The Tales From The Crypt
series, and I even liked Demon Knight, but this one was just plain
disgusting.

To
be quite honest, I only watched this for Chris Sarandon, and even I could tell
this film was just a pay check to him. Well if you’re into cheesy one liners,
vampires with breast implants, gallons of unnecessary blood and appearances from
people who belong on The Surreal Life, I recommend this, but for
everybody else, stay far away from this!

2.
Once Bitten

BUY THE DVD HERE

Before Jim Carrey became the superstar that he is today, he starred in this
piece of crap. This film was hilarious, not because of Jim Carrey’s popular
comic abilities, but because this movie was so bad you couldn’t help but laugh
at it. In the movie, he plays a virgin who gets seduced by a vampiress played by
Lauren Hutton.

If
this film had as much horror in it as it did gay bashing jokes, this film could
have been very scary, but instead it was just plain awful, and if you don’t
wince with embarrassment after watching this film’s infamous
catfight/dance-a-thon scene, then you deserve a f*cking medal.

1. Vampire in Brooklyn

BUY THE DVD HERE

Before Wes
Craven directed the awful werewolf flick, Cursed, he directed this Eddie
Murphy horror/comedy flop. (Stay away from monster movies, Wes!) Now, I hate to
admit this, but this movie is in my DVD collection. (Believe me I am as proud to
admit that as someone who ever admitted they had Glitter in their
collection.) It is a guilty pleasure, but even I can admit this film is
terrible.

Horror comedies
just do not work, especially this one. Seeing Eddie Murphy star in a horror film
is like seeing Michael Jackson star in a gangster movie. This movie was an
unique idea, but it just left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.

READ
PART
1 OF THIS LIST HERE!