This week’s list idea comes courtesy of Eric “Walker – Texas Ranger” Walkuski. When he first queried about doing a list on the true bungholes of horror I was a little hesitant. Mostly because I was gonna have to put myself at least in the top 5. I mean hell, the list of genre luminaries I owe an apology to is as distinguished as it is depressing.
But no, he told me, a list of characters in horror movies that make you want to grab a shovel and smack ’em in the teeth is what he had in mind. Not the main villains, but the other guys. Whew! Safe for now.
So the braintrust got together and came up with a ton of nominees, and now it’s my chance to f*ck up all those great ideas and truly keep my place as a dillwad totally secure. Enjoy the list, and if you don’t see your favorite a-hole listed then spit those bullets below!
WARNING – MASSIVE DOUCHEBAGGERY TO FOLLOW! 10. Jack MacReady, SLITHER Slither did it’s thing just about as well as any goofy, gorefest has done it in quite some time. So of course there had to be a massive d*ckhead in a position of city management. Mr. Jack MacReady fit the bill to a T with his smarmy face, greasy personality and funny as hell one-liners. The only chink in his armor of stinky butt cheesiness is that I actually had some affection for the guy. Go figure.
9. Brad, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS If I say that I hate frat boys then you all know what I mean, right? I mean, frat boys like this gigantic tool. Brad would have been equally comfortable in a Revenge Of The Nerds movie with his sleazy scheming and his classist loathing of geeks. To make it even worse, he has that golden frat boy movie cliche – the super hot and cool girlfriend who really belongs with a nerd like me, er, like our hero. If you prefer a dude dead, then he’s gotta be a real azzhole.
8. William J. Johns, PITCH BLACK Cole Hauser is just about one-of-a-kind when it comes to creating characters that you love to hate. I thought his turn as a neo-Nazi skinhead in Higher Learning perfected the art, but then he turns up the stakes as a man willing to sacrifice a tweener girl just because she happens to have gotten her “special visitor” at an inopportune time, thus allowing the creatures stalking his party to follow the scent of her menstrual blood. From a purely cold-blooded standpoint it makes sense, but if you’re willing to sacrifice a young girl’s innocence for your own sick needs that makes you a total lowlife and/or R. Kelly.
7. Barry William Cox, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER It’s arguable that the real azzhole of this series was the producer who kept creating grammatically clusterf*cked titles. But we’re sticking with characters, so we’ll give the crown to the boy named Cox. Ole’ Barry is the whole reason his pals get in trouble in the first place. Sucker spills his liquor and it leads to an accident. He’s the one pushing that they ditch the body. And he knew the man wasn’t dead. That’s without getting into the fact that he gives off pissy, pouty, petulant looks that rival any Tinker Toy shaped runway model you choose.
6. Cholo, LAND OF THE DEAD Cholo pretty much lives by the mantra ,”Get mine.” It was a toss up whether to go with him or Rhodes from Day Of The Dead, but the fact is that the C-man brings a much greater relaxed sense of selfishness to the world. Sure he could be a cool guy to hang with, and he’ll make you feel important if he needs you, but when push comes to shove he’s looking out for no one but number one. Mercenary is the nice descriptor of him, but there are plenty of fitting words that require asterisks as well.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!