Childhood is supposed to be a time of innocence, right? But now the souls of our young folk are being sullied with the unending flood of crappy remakes and tepid PG-13 BS that is being passed off as horror these days. It’s time to fight back!
Certainly we don’t want the kiddies starting their trek toward genre love with movies that they’re not legally allowed to see (even though many of us did just that). But that doesn’t mean their only options are the boatload of travesty’s getting shoveled their way. It’s just that some of them don’t know any better.
So without further ado, let’s take a look at some non R-rated flicks that don’t suck so we can get the kids heads on straight!
Got other noms? Spit bullets right into those impressionable minds below.
READ PART 1 OF THIS LIST HERE WARNING – FLICKS BELOW MAY NOT JUST SCARE THE YOUNG’UNS 5. HELLBOY Plenty of horrific hijinx handled with that del Toro flair. Add in an ultra cool hero and what more could a young heart desire? This explores much of the same dark territory that the R-rated PAN’S LABYRINTH tackles – what is truly monstrous, how does the darkness in human nature pervert the world around us, and just how the hell do you know who to trust in this crazy world. But it does so with a lighter tone and a fair bit less gore, although I’d argue many of the images are probably just as disturbing for tender brains. Then again, so is CNN.
4. JAWS I struggled with where to put this classic, largely because I’m not sure how much kids will love the long stretches of talking, and waiting, and “hey isn’t there supposed to be a shark in this” movie? Perhaps this acts as a good gauge for when a horror fan is maturing into a person that can handle meatier fare. Skipping to the third act is fine if need be, but eventually we all learn to appreciate the set up that makes the payoff all the sweeter.
3. GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH Much like TREMORS, this flick is just damn fun as it throws laughs and scares our way with about equal measure. I’m certainly not here to argue that the sequel is better than the original, but remember we’re thinking of the kids here. The gremlins are more varied, show more distinct personalities, and generally have a bigger blast creating mayhem than in the first. If I was eight again, this is the Gremlin movie I’d prefer.
2. MONSTER SQUAD “Wolfman’s got ‘nards!” I recently rewatched MS and was surprised how well it’s held up. Not the most terrifying pic on the list, but it is all about classic horror and gets just about everything right. Multiple layers for viewers of all ages, tons of humor to take the edge off the scary parts, and most importantly it lets the fat kid inside all of us have his day to shine. If there’s such a thing as a heartwarming family tale in the horror genre – this is it.
1. POLTERGEIST Time to choose your destiny my sons and daughters. There is not another non-R rated film in the history of cinema that is this mind f*ck scary. I still can’t believe it got a PG, but so it did and thus, when those you are shepherding towards genre adulthood are ready, this is the movie they must watch. They’ll be frightened of clowns, TV’s, walls, swimming pools and chicken for the next ten years of their life, but it must be done if we are to keep our numbers strong. You know your duty my friends. Get to it.
READ PART 1 OF THIS LIST HERE Got a Top 10 idea? Hit me up at mattwithers@joblo.com