Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and let’s be honest, some dudes probably f*cked it up. So ladies, this list is for you to remind your fellas just what some of the hazards of dating can be, whether they’re into ladies, gents, or sheep. Why? Because if he’s got you he should treat you right.
Now I know that most of our readers know how to take care of a woman – for a lifetime, a nighttime, or by the hour – but in those cases where you fell short of your duties, well it’s time to pay up. Do better in the future so that I don’t have to resort to these sort of puke generating subjects that leave me wanting to dodge using screen caps of the nasty business described.
And hell, if ya’ll chicas want to add further venting down below, then Spit Bullets.
READ PART 1 OF THIS LIST HERE WARNING – SPOILERS (AND MUCHOS CRINGING) BELOW! 5. Sin City I will never get those nasty yellow balls out of my mind. Yellow Bastard, or Roark Jr. if you prefer, is one of the nastiest, most deserving victims of genital mutilation the cinematic world has ever seen, yet the sound of that knife re-de-balling the kid, the yank, and the presentation still made me want to regurgitate Jujubes all over the seat in front of me.
4. I Spit On Your Grave I really hate this movie. Not because it’s exploitive, offensive, or the fact that it features non-stop rape. I just hate that it makes all of that so damn boring. I mean when you’ve got a naked chick getting gang banged in the woods the last thing I should find myself doing is stifling a yawn. The whole movie seems to fall flat, so when she pursues her vengeance I’m just not invested in it. BUT, that doesn’t change the fact that when said chica chops a dudes jimmy off in the tub it made me squirm like Hillary Clinton at an Oral Sex demo.
3. Grindhouse: Planet Terror What is it with Robert Rodriguez and ball removal. In his half of Grindhouse, his follow up to Sin City, we not only get Naveen Andrews chopping balls and taking names, but the guy is f*cking collecting the damn things. In a jar. That he carries around with him. That would be sick enough without then having the jar get broken so that tons of peeps are stepping on the balls while slipping in the ball juice. Oh yeah, it’s disgusting.
2. 2001 Maniacs Not since Jaws chomped on 007 has a pair of braces done the kind of damage that we see in this gleeful gorefest. I mean a poor guy who’s only crime is being from the North and completely oblivious to signs of danger thinks he’s in for a high quality country BJ (and they ARE high quality…usually) but instead gets his winky forcibly removed by a metal mouth version of the Venus Flytrap. It’s just wrong. So very, very wrong.
1. Hard Candy I think we can all agree that pedophiles suck, especially the murderous kind. So what happens to our “hero” in this flick is justly deserved and without apology my favorite gonad “removal” of all time. That said, I’m not sure I actually watched the scene so much as peeked and cringed my way through it. Perhaps it’s Ellen Page’s decidedly non-clinical excitement and nervousness as she performs the “operation”, or it could simply be the absolute and total breakdown that Patrick Wilson suffers through as his fate is brought to bear. No matter, when it comes to tarnishing the family jewels, even if it does involve more spit than polish, this flick is without peer.
READ PART 1 OF THIS LIST HERE Got a Top 10 idea? Hit me up at mattwithers@joblo.com