Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and let’s be honest, some dudes probably f*cked it up. So ladies, this list is for you to remind your fellas just what some of the hazards of dating can be, whether they’re into ladies, gents, or sheep. Why? Because if he’s got you he should treat you right.
Now I know that most of our readers know how to take care of a woman – for a lifetime, a nighttime, or by the hour – but in those cases where you fell short of your duties, well it’s time to pay up. Do better in the future so that I don’t have to resort to these sort of puke generating subjects that leave me wanting to dodge using screen caps of the nasty business described.
And hell, if ya’ll chicas want to add further venting down below, then Spit Bullets.
WARNING – SPOILERS (AND MUCHOS CRINGING) BELOW! 10. Killer Condom It may be tough to stomach a flick where the lead gets one of his balls bitten off by a flesh-munching prophylactic early on, but this is a surprisingly entertaining flick with F/X that are notably better than you’d expect given a title that seems a little overzealous. Quick note, if you have a problem with gay subject matter (dudes, not ladies) then give this pic a pass til you get over yourself.
9. Hostel II Love or hate this follow up to Roth’s outstanding original, there’s no denying he brought painful efficacy to the removal of a torturer’s junk. Watching our intrepid heroine turn the tables on her psycho tormentor and then feed his manhood to some eager canines is one for the bloody books no doubt. Plus, women seem to get all worked up over the scene, so if you can get your little man to respond after watching the sauce, it’s likely your lady will be willing to offer a little TLC
8. The Last House On The Left Oral castration. Ugh. No matter the deservedness of the revenge, this is just about the nastiest way that severing a blood filled pole can be done. It’s not like we don’t know how vulnerable we are when you ladies get down to business. Why do you think the slightest graze of your teeth makes us go apoplectic? Tongue? Good. Lips? Good. But PLEASE no teeth!
7. Candyman The loping off of a mentally handicapped kid’s penis is so fundamentally cruel that this scene always leaves me feeling like I need to take a shower. It’s made even worse because the film is so damn good that you’re totally invested in what’s going on. Twisted, mean and bloody. Just what chopped off Johnnies should be.
6. Teeth Vagina dentata. The urban myth of a cooter sporting some pearly whites. TEETH gives us a leading lady with said affliction, which results in all sorts of mangled jean ferrets. Of course, like in HOSTEL II, we’re basically rooting for the sausage abuse because it all happens to douche bag azzholes that fully deserve their fate. For the most part. Chomp, chomp muthaf*ckers.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!