DVD Pub’er Pat Torfe shot me an email the other day that led to a conversation along these lines:
PAT: You know what’s awesome?
ME: What?
PAT: Motherf*ckers getting bisected!
ME: Too true.
PAT: Top 10 list?
ME: Hell yeah!
So here you go my friends. Nothing fancy about this list. Just a good old fashioned fun time looking at some of the best ways that suckers have gotten chopped, diced, sliced, cut, gutted, axed, ripped, shredded, and plain done in through bodily separations.
Got your own faves? Spit bullets on ’em below!
WARNING – SLIPPERY INNARDS AHEAD! 10. BLADE II The ass kicking that Wesley Snipes hands down throughout the BLADE movies is some of the finest the genre has ever seen, but when it comes to denouements, the way he cuts to the chase with Reinhardt is beyond awesome. Well set up, cool looking and slick as hell. The only downside is that the vamp crisps away instead of giving us a satisfying splatter in death.
9. HELLRAISER: HELLWORLD Not the best or the worst of the HELLRAISER series, HELLWORLD is largely content to play mind games and keep any genre fan happy with a fair amount of Lance Henriksen up in the hizouse. But after slogging through an hour and a half that feels more like an adult Scooby-Doo episode than a true HELLRAISER entry, the Cenobites do show up in force. And they face off with Lance. And they cut his shite into pieces. And it is awesome!
8. SILENT HILL What’s an appropriate way for an annoying and insane chica to go down to Chinatown? Suspended in the air by barbwire, gutted and then ripped in two is a pretty solid idea IMHO. When you add in a girl dancing in the falling blood how can you not love it? SILENT HILL may have featured a lot of exposition, but when it decided to rip, it f*cking ripped.
7. JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY When are these teens going to learn that you shouldn’t f*ck in a tent? Otherwise a Jason-slug possessed dude will most likely come along, jam a pole through the girl and literally tear her a new one. How many times does this sort of thing have to happen before these kids learn better?!
6. THE HITCHER
See the Mack Truck fun here!
There is only one reason that Jennifer Jason Leigh getting split open like a ripe melon isn’t #1 on this list. And it’s not that you don’t see the sauce, because you don’t need it to drill this horrific bisection home. No, it’s simply because this is a fun list, and this scene ain’t fun. I could watch every other chop-a-block here on a loop and enjoy each one immensely time and again. But Eric the Red made a scene that still makes me cringe even though I’ve seen it so many times I know the beats by heart. I swear as insane as it is, every viewing I end up hoping maybe she’ll make it this time. She never does.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!