| | Review Date: Director: Michael Apted Writer: Bruce Feirstein, Michael France, Neal Purvis, Dana Stevens, Robert Wade Producers: Barbara Broccoli, Michael G. Wilson Actors: Pierce Brosnan Sophie Marceau Denise Ricards Robert Carlyle |
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JAMES BOND: Bond, James Bond.
JOBLO: Yes, I know. Uhhmm, Mr. Bond, I just came back from a preview of your latest film called THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, and I will be honest with you in saying that it was a good film, but it didn’t spark of much originality, you know what I mean?
JAMES BOND: (looking around aimlessly) Do you know if the waitress is coming around? Originality, you say, well tell me this, Mr. American, why mess with a good thing, do YOU know what I mean?
JOBLO: Yes, I understand what you’re saying, Mr. Bond, but what I’m saying is, and this is with no disrespect intended-
JAMES BOND: I bet! (looking at another table) Is that Pussy Galore over there?
JOBLO: It’s a good movie, but I don’t know, it just seemed to be missing that spark. I mean, I’ve completely forgotten about the whole movie and I saw it less than an hour ago. What does that say?
JAMES BOND: It says that you are slow of mind, my friend.
JOBLO: I don’t know, Mr. Bond, I mean, it’s weird, because the film starts off with a bang, and I mean a real BIG bang, what a cool opening sequence.
JAMES BOND: No stunt doubles either, my computer geek friend, that was aaaaaaall James!
JOBLO: Well, whoever it was, it was way cool. I can’t say that I remember a better opening sequence in any of your other movies. Also, the gadgets were all there aplenty and very original, the action scenes were decent, but one too many explosions for my taste-
JAMES BOND: I told Mike to cut a couple out, but would he listen? Noooooo-
JOBLO: You know what the bottom line is here, James? The bottom line is that if people go into this film expecting a “James Bond” movie, that is exactly what they’ll get. James Bond. With all his cooky gadgets, his sexy “Bond” girls, his cool cars, slick suits…
JAMES BOND: What organization did you say you were with?
JOBLO: (signaling to the waitress) One Martini for my friend over here, shaken, not stirred.
JAMES BOND: You were saying?
JOBLO: One thing that did kinda bug me was the fact that it seemed to go on forever. I mean, how long was this thing, over two hours at least!
JAMES BOND: I think it’s about two hours and ten minutes, but that’s WITH the credits, which you shouldn’t really count because–
JOBLO: Whatever, James. It could’ve been cut is all I’m saying. No need to take it personally. Sheesh!
JAMES BOND: But what about the girls, huh? The girls were pretty, weren’t they?
JOBLO: Pretty, schmetty. Sophie Marceau was great but what’s the deal with Denise Richards, a “nuclear physicist” running around in a tight tank top all movie? Plleaaaaase! I mean, don’t get me wrong here, James, she looked great and all, but boy-oh-boy, you guys really caught the Jennifer Love Hewitt fever, eh?
JAMES BOND: (grabbing his Martini from the waitress) Hi there. I’m Bond. James Bond. And your pretty name would be? (waitress grimaces and walks away).
JOBLO: Ouch! Denied!
JAMES BOND: (looking into his glass) Excuse me, there’s no olive in here!
JOBLO: Forget it, dude. All you are to them is a guy in a suit with horribly corny pick-up lines. You’re just like any other agent in this town. Which reminds me, what’s with all the corny lines in this film? Me thinks you guys have totally overplayed your double-entendre card. Everything you say seems to have a sexual connotation attached to it. You gotta get with the times, James, it’s the 90s man, AIDS and stuff.
JAMES BOND: What was your name again?
JOBLO: Blo. JoBlo.
JAMES BOND: Blow? Interesting. Have you ever thought about being in a Bond movie?
JOBLO: Okay, take it easy, Jimmy, this is when things could get ugly. Let’s wrap it up, shall we?
JAMES BOND: Wrap away, ol’ boy!
JOBLO: Well, I guess I could recommend this film to all people who want to see a good James Bond movie filled with all of the typical James Bond devices including some cool action sequences, an over the top villain and worldly master plan, the Austin Powers-type “torturing instead of killing” scenes-did you see that movie, by the way?
JAMES BOND: Overrated. Mike Myers is a genius though, that Dr. Evil character was quite the hoot!
JOBLO: Like I said, if you don’t mind the corny lines and the wet T-shirt shots of the Bond girls jumping around while Bond saves the world, check it out. It is what it is! All in all, a decent time at the movies.
JAMES BOND: I personally think you’re being a little overcritical, but I suppose you do have a right to your opinion.
JOBLO: That I do, dear Jimmy, that I do. All work and no play makes JoBlo a dull boy.
JAMES BOND: By the way, what are you doing after this interview? Maybe you’d like to come back to my place and I’ll show you this new “device” that Q built for me…
JOBLO: Uuuuhmm, no thanks, dude. I’m all good on this side of the road, if you catch my drift? (To waitress) Check, please?
JAMES BOND: (reaching for JoBlo’s hand) But I’m trying to “get with the 90s”, Mr. Blow…
JOBLO: This interview has gotten waaaay out of hand, dude (gets up and leaves). Thanks for your time, man. You’re pretty cool for an ol’ geezer. MOONRAKER is still my favorite though. Jaws rocked!
JAMES BOND: (as JoBlo leaves) Oh, C’MON, I was just teasing for God’s sakes!! (to himself) Damn Yankees take everything a Brit says so seriously. We can be funny too, you know. Doesn’t anybody remember Benny Hill? (looking back at the other table) Pussy, Pussy is that you!?