Greetings schmoes! Your ol’ pal Aaron the H here, coming at you this holiday season with a heavy dose of yule-tide jeer. You see, the ‘H’ in my alias stands for Horwitz (amongst other things) and therein lies the rub; I’m what they call a “Jew”. The closest I ever get to a Christmas tree is the 3-pack of pine-scented air fresheners Aunt Esther buys me for Hanukkah. My annual Christmas dinner takes place at the local Mandarin Wok- party of one.
And dinner is the fun part. When I return home on Christmas Eve with a Santa-like gut full of Kung Pao Chicken (and MSG), I know the airwaves are going to be saturated with all the old holiday classics, forcing their holly-jolly Christmas gobbldy-gook down our non-believer throats, rubbing in the fact that for those lucky enough to celebrate this holiday of holidays, it’s a wonderful life indeed. Blech! Lucky for us haters, there’s an awesome selection of anti-Christmas cinema on cable too, in thinly-veiled disguise. Ladies and gentiles, I present…
The Hater’s Guide to Christmas Flicks
BAD SANTA (2003)
Not even I hate Christmas as much as Billy Bob Thornton’s drunken, womanizing, unkempt, verbally and physically abusive protagonist. I’m talking about a man who, much to my delight, actually dresses up as Santa (albeit a sloppy, filthy one) only to rob shopping malls after closing hours. The shit that spews out of Billy Bob’s mouth on a second-by-second basis is so filthily classic, it’s outmatched only by his angry, black midget elf sidekick. You also get the late, great Bernie Mac, and the legendary John Ritter in what ended up being his final performance. And yet somehow, it’s the little fat kid in the film that ends up being the funniest part. Is it a coincidence that director Terry Zwigoff is a Jew? I think not. Score one for the Heebs.
Likely Airing On: Comedy Central
Also Look For: SCROOGED
DECK THE HALLS (2006)
The FX Network has inexplicably been airing this Christmas “gem” round-the-clock lately. I’ll admit I’ve watched it in its entirety twice now, and I think I know why. DECK THE HALLS is one of those rare Christmas films that’s so foul, mean spirited, tacky, unfunny and just plain awful that it actually makes us scrooges feel BETTER about not being invited to the party. Cuz if Matthew Broderick is covered in camel shit and wearing a speedskating bodysuit at this party, I don’t want to attend. The scene where Broderick accidentally shouts “Who’s your daddy?!” to his skimpily dressed teenage daughter is enough to make anyone’s stomach turn, especially if said stomach is full of that vomit-colored egg drink you folks guzzle down like you’re getting hazed at Alpha Beta. Sure this flick tries to push the obligatory “Christmas means togetherness” message in the end, but watching a sanitzed Danny Devito and a no-longer-cool Ferris Bueller cuddle butt-naked under a blanket is enough to ruin this holiday for anyone. I’m in!
Likely Airing On: FX Network
Also Look For: CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS, SURVIVING CHRISTMAS, FOUR CHRISTMASES
HOME ALONE (1990)
I know, I know, this one is peppered with a little holiday cheer throughout, but nobody considers this a classic for its Christmas themes. I remember the day my parents took me to see this when I was eight, and it instantly became my favorite movie of all-time, with Kevin McAllister my ultimate hero. Twenty years later (holy crap this movie is 20 years old?!) I find myself rooting more for Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern’s child-abusing house-burglars, cuz not only do they hate Christmas like me, but they actually have the gumption to do something about it. John Hughes, I forgive you for never creating a single Jewish character in all of your films; your Christmas classics bring me joy regardless, because you made them about loveable characters and brilliant sight gags, not obnoxiously excessive gift-giving and unwanted caroling. On second thought, the names Harry and Marv do sound kind of Jewish. I’ll take it!
Likely Airing On: ABC Family
Also Look For: NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION, PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES
TRAPPED IN PARADISE (1994)
Listen closely, cuz this might be the one and only time somebody recommends the film TRAPPED IN PARADISE. To be fair, this wacky comedy about three bank robbing brothers (Nic Cage, Dana Carvey, Jon Lovitz) on the lam actually is good for a few laughs, most of which come as a result of Nic Cage doing what Nic Cage does best: screaming his guts out and punching inanimate objects. If you were a fan of that awesome Nic Cage montage that came out a few months back, you’ll be glad to know that the creator sorely overlooked this film. An added bonus is the fact that everyone around our angry hero seems to be so overly hopped-up on Christmas Spirit that they end up beiing portrayed as the crazy ones. In other words, TRAPPED IN PARADISE is the most brutally realistic film on this list. Oh and I don’t think I need to turn to Google to find out whether or not Lovitz is one of my people. Just sayin’.
Likely Airing On: Turner Classic Movies
Also Look For: THE REF (actually a much better film)
DIE HARD (1988)
In my mind, Die Hard is the perfect Christmas film, because it has almost nothing to do with Christmas. I gotta give major props to Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) for choosing the most epic of feel-good holidays to unleash his carnage on a skyscraper full of unsuspecting rich white folk. Too bad John McClane had to show up and drop an epically large lump of coal in ol’ Hansy-baby’s stocking. Bruce Willis is nothing short of epic in this film; the dude walks barefoot over broken glass in a wife-beater while dismantling a bunch of Euro-trash with a handgun duct-taped to his back. I don’t know if I could think of a more appropriate definition of “holiday cheer”. If that’s not enough, Carl Winslow from “Family Matters” is here too. That man’s smile could single-handedly light up Madison Square Garden, wouldn’t you agree?
Likely Airing On: Spike TV
Also Look For: BATMAN RETURNS
Welp, that’s all I got this year, folks. If you’ve got an anti-Christmas classic that I missed, drop me a line in the strikebacks below. And don’t forget, if you can’t find any of these flicks on cable, you can always head out to the multiplex to catch TRUE GRIT (Coen Bros = JEWS!). Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna get a head start on tomorrow’s hangover in advance of tonight’s dinner reservation.