THE F*CKING BLACK SHEEP: Jaws 3-D (1983)

Last Updated on July 23, 2021

THE BLACK SHEEP is an ongoing column featuring different takes on films that either the writer HATED, but that the majority of film fans LOVED, or

that the writer LOVED, but that most others LOATH. We’re hoping this column will promote constructive and geek fueled discussion. Dig in!

JAWS 3-D (1983)
Directed by Joe Alves

“What good horror does. It f*cks people up and creates a deep-rooted fear in something they never would otherwise.”

Ah, 1983. The end of MASH. Toto ruled the radio waves. Crack was invented. And the monst

er of all monsters reentered the waters. In 3-D!! Unfortunately, it — being Jaws 3-D of course — immediately developed a nasty rash about being a shitty flick. That it didn’t live up to the Spielberg standard. That the new shark looked really cheap and pathetic. All true. Now I don’t remember ‘83 all too well, but the things created then lived in heavy TV circulation when I grew up, so I have a soft spot for all things early 80’s. I’m willing to give them a shot, for bad or worse. Jaws 3-D might not be in the same league as the original, but anyone needing a strong dose of classic bad movie magic needs to look no further. Not only is it a pristine example of Hollywood excess and cashing in on a property, but it’s pure 1983, right down to the modern effects. Ideally, all that adds up to something unwatchable, but in the case of Jaws 3-D it makes it delightfully stupid. And everyone needs a little stupid.

Now I don’t exactly think of Jaws 3-D everyday, so three things ended up reminding me of this forgotten sequel. 1) Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. I know, it’s nothing new but for some reason I get suckered in every year. 2) This summer’s latest craze of 3-D is nothing new (obviously). The fad is back in its original succubus form and Hollywood will soon run it into the ground until people rebel and force it away for another couple decades (for God’s sake, I just read they’re making a Justin Bieber bio in the format). 3) I miss old school event movies. Especially ones with monsters, creatures, big ass unstoppable things. It seems as if everything today is either made from a kid’s show or starring Nic Cage. And that just sucks.

I’d take a movie like Jaws 3-D over nearly half of the movies released this summer because at least it still reeks of being an event film, of being something fans could look forward to that summer. I remember fondly viewing Jaws 3-D on cable and it providing me with a lifelong fear of sea-themed parks. That’s what good horror does. It f*cks people up and creates a deep-rooted fear in something they never would otherwise.

What’s keeps Jaws 3-D afloat and worthy of a repeat viewing is that it took the franchise in a new, interesting direction, much like a Halloween III. The plot revolves around the opening of a Sea World-type park, which not only has the jumping dolphins and killer whales, but the centerpiece is an underwater portal viewing thing. Oh, and just as it opens a baby great white finds its way in, leaving her big mama shark to come looking.

Ok. So the plot blows. I know this. And I’ll be the first to say the third Jaws isn’t without fault. For one, it’s in desperate need for a digital facelift. The movie looks like HQ Beta in its graininess, and the effects just flat out suck. Seriously, they are worse than anything I’ve seen. All the FX shots appear to have been inserted into the film via cut and paste technology. Inexcusable no matter the budget. However, people gotta watch it for what it is. It’s 1983 in a DVD time capsule, defining the time in the film industry. Think about it. This movie and its plot feel eerily similar to the Piranha movies, which in turn ripped off the Jaws films. That’s standard movie-making protocol. Rip off what was successful before you. Also, just like most of today’s 3-D whore fest, all effect shots feel embarrassingly bad. For no reason, things are aimed toward the camera or something pops out toward the audience. Things never change. Compare this to The Final Destination and you’ll see Hollywood horror still hasn’t figured out how to use 3-D effectively.

However, this article is not dedicated to the destruction of Jaws 3-D. No, no. It’s just proper to point out obvious flaws, like a woman with hideous nose or a guy with a giant mole stuck to his face like resembles a chunk of salsa. Jaws 3-D falls perfectly in the awfully good category, but none of it is intentional. Talent exists here: a young Dennis Quaid; horror writing legend Richard Matheson; future Oscar-winner Louis Gossett Jr.; superstar John Putch (just kidding, I don’t know who he is either). The film is played and plotted seriously and even creates some sympathy for the sharks instead of leaving them only as mindless stalking creatures. Of course, all this is thrown deep into the sea once the shark starts ripping apart the place and flooding the tunnels, but the point is the movie tried and succeed in making a film above the shit line level.

What really makes it survive the test of time comes from it wanting to be so much bigger than its capability. The scope of the picture. The action pieces. It’s like the big movie that couldn’t. And for some reason that’s the type of the thing I love. When things go bad, Doom falls for it. Besides, how can someone not like some divers being rescued by a dolphin before a shark eats them, or a corpse floating underwater, or idiot divers, or the hilarious shots of the great shark swimming towards the underwater headquarters in the dramatic finale. It’s pure 1983. It’s pure movie magic. I loved every second of it, and you better have too. Or else. Duh nuh. Duh nuh. Duh nuh. Disagree? Get the DVD and discover for yourself.

GET THE JAWS 3-D DVD HERE