The Astronaut’s Wife

An astronaut loses contact with earth for two minutes while floating around in space. Upon his return, his wife and others notice that he has become somewhat “different”. Over time, we begin to suspect that an extraterrestrial may be inside the poor bastard.

What can I say…this movie’s trailer wins the annual award for “The Best Trailer Giving Away Everything, And I Do Mean, Everything, That Is Going To Happen In A Movie!” (With DOUBLE JEOPARDY (5/10) finishing a close second!). It’s unfortunate because there may have been a couple of things that would have surprised me otherwise, but I guess the marketing geniuses at New Line Cinema figured that it would be more beneficial for people to know EXACTLY what is going to happen in the film, without even seeing it!? Good move, guys. That aside, the film is not a horrible watch, in fact Depp and Theron certainly pull out some decent performances, with Depp hamming it up via his Elvis accent, and the blonde streaks in his hair. Theron’s role seemed similar to her role in the much better DEVIL’S ADVOCATE (8/10) film, with her deteriorating over time, and crying a lot. Having said that, she does it very well, and she sure is nice to look at. The story of this film seemed ambitious, but unfortunately for us, it basically goes nowhere. In fact, count yourself lucky if you haven’t seen the preview of this film, for you will not have seen 95% of the movie like the rest of us.

The film itself plods along at a pretty slow pace, doesn’t offer any real tension or intrigue (Just a couple of “easy scare” scenes with people popping out of nowhere), and is choked with plot holes. In fact, we never really know why the extraterrestrial has come to earth, what his plans are, or how Depp seems to show up every time that something that he doesn’t like is happening. The ending is also very stupid, with a twist which I personally could have done without. And if you’re grooving to see this movie because of any special effects, forget about it right now, there are probably more in DUDLEY DO-RIGHT. All in all, this movie is not a horrible movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s basically just “there”. If you like the two main actors, or love watching really great looking people get paid millions of dollars to act on the big screen while you pay for their kid’s tuition, then by all means, go see this movie. Otherwise, wait for it on video, sit around and watch it with your drunk friends, and have a blast making fun of all the gaping holes in the script.

Either that, or try to figure out which of the two actors is the prettier? Depp or Theron? Theron or Depp?

(c) 2021 Berge Garabedian