Item: Scare Package
Rating: 9
Author: Lance Vlcek

Last Updated on July 6, 2022

PLOT: Chad runs his own Horror Emporium (Rad Chad’s Horror Emporium) and trains his first-ever employee. While we learn the odd day-to-day tasks that it takes keeping the Emporium running, we cut to various gory low-budget horror vignettes that tie into and parody well-known horror tropes and clichés. Think HATCHET mixed with TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE with a bit of Troma tossed in for good measure.

LOWDOWN: I’m a sucker for any horror anthology. Growing up on the classics, while diggin’ some of the newer ones, these collections have always been apart of my movie rotation. I’m a big proponent of Shudder’s awesome throwback CREEPSHOW (love the first two movies as well), I consider TRICK R TREAT a masterpiece, and BODY PARTS is an underrated ’90s gem, and one of my go-to’s for a defense of the era. What I’m basically saying is that it takes a lot to piss away a good time with a horror anthology. Do they make some lazy cash-grabs? Sure, but when these babies hit the spot, it’s as comforting as cold rum near an ocean breeze.

SCARE PACKAGE (WATCH HERE) is the newest title to drop in this format, and I was fortunate enough to give this bad boy an early watch. The one issue with serialized anthologies is that the foundation or wrap-around story that all other flow-through is usually subpar at best. Nothing great, but essential to the structure of the interconnected tales. In SCARE PACKAGE, one of the best parts, surprisingly, is the wrap-around story. Rad Chad’s Horror Emporium had me laughing my ass off as the movie-loving, Joe Bob appreciating Chad Buckley (Jeremy King). He spends the film training his first ever employee Han, whose deadpan performance compliments the annoying and proud movie lover, Chad. Growing up at Family Video, this segment hit close to home and nailed the old video store vibe. Well done, boys. It’s here that the other tales come into play.

Cold Open: A man with the comforting name Michael Myers (Jon Michael Simpson) follows written instructions from someone (us?) to “nudge” people into various horror-related scenarios. Whether it’s cutting the power to a house with two teens babysitting on Halloween or selling a haunted house to a happy couple, Mike is the hand of god when it comes to these various horror tropes. This entry is more on the goofier side, yet it had me smiling at all of the ridiculous stock templates for movies I love. It’s a quick and simple story, but it sets up the two most important things in SCARE PACKAGE: Humor and excessive gore. Buckle up buttercup, because this ain’t for easily squeamish!

One Time In The Woods: This one went balls-to-the-wall while sporting a strong Troma vibe. Two couples on a camping trip encounter a transforming monster. This leads to some intense and grotesque body horror, a Jason Voorhees-esq killer, and EVERY SINGLE teen in the woods cliché. The practical effects are fantastic (hatchet to the crotch, anyone?), and the “melting monster” steals the show as the sarcastic dude who is well aware of his shitty predicament. This segment is bloody, gory, and lays the humor on thick (and maybe my personal favorite). Everything here is heightened to a comical level, and it’s the best example of parodying all of the dumb decisions teens make in the woods.

M.I.S.T.E.R: This is a small jab at the bitchy dudes that can’t take charge and blame others for their shortcomings. Noah Segan plays the emasculated husband who can’t seem to “make sacrifices” or be enough of a man for his wife. This leads him to join a men’s group where things eventually get… hairy? This entry tries to make you feel bad for the poor chump at first (he really is a coward), but things take a hard turn once the group meets up to let loose. A fun idea that goes in a direction that made things more enjoyable once viewed as a whole. I don’t want to give much away, but this ends up closer in style and tone to 2015’s KUNG FURY.

Girls Night Out Of A Body: Three girls (on vacation?) steal a skull-shaped sucker from a convenience store before heading back to their hotel room where things get transformative. This is the first story that didn’t land. Han is working around the Emporium and comes across the most detailed genre section: Post Modern Feminist Slasher Revenge Body Horror. That is so damn absurd (and specific!) that you’d assume this would be the most outlandish entry in SCARE PACKAGE. Nope, what we get ends up being pretty tame, and feels like it never gets to the intended destination. There is a misdirect, which I thought was smart, but besides good chemistry and some cool lighting, this story stops hard as things start to get interesting. It’s front-loaded, and kind of a let down when you have such a wildly specific subgenre.

The Night He Came Back Again! Part IV: The Final Kill: Whereas the last entry didn’t quite hit the mark, the ride gets back on track with Anthony Cousins’s love letter to the ’80s unstoppable killers. This had me cracking up with its absurd level of gore and stock teen characters. Chelsey Grant owns it here as the final girl who’s tired of killing the masked murderer only to show back up in the sequel. SCARE PACKAGE is at its best when it’s at a NAKED GUN level of physical comedy, and this one hits that mark. What if a final girl got to tie up Michael Myers or Jason Vorhees and inflict some piss and vinegar vengeance? That joyous and cathartic experience is what you get here.

So Much To Do: Here we delve into the occult possession subgenre with an entry based around avoiding spoilers from a popular television show. As someone who watched THE SOPRANOS, and LOST live on TV, killing someone over spoilers doesn’t sound unreasonable to me. Of course, I would never do it, but if you don’t think I’d help bury a body, you got another thing coming. This was the most action-heavy segment, and It plays as more of a stunt reel than an actual story. Toni Trucks is charming and has the moves to fight her way around as the lead, which helped, but that’s all we get. When it’s all said and done, I feel short-changed. It’s one long fight sequence (Van Damme style) that felt misplaced in SCARE PACKAGE. Maybe that’s the point, and this was supposed to be the action/stunt segment mostly devoid of horror, but no matter the reason, I just felt underwhelmed.

Horror Hypothesis: We close things out with the best entry (how many other horror anthologies can claim that?) and wrap-around story. This finishes off the Horror Emporium segment with our Joe Bob Briggs loving Chad Buckley kidnapped and brought to a “Horror Facility” straight out of CABIN IN THE WOODS. It’s here that scientists are studying things like the distance between a killer and car engine failure or how long can one be chased before they eventually trip over nothing. This goes full meta (not that they weren’t toeing that line this entire movie) and ends with the funniest entry by far. One of the best parts has Chad calling out his fellow captives by their archetypal horror characteristics, yet the stoner doesn’t think he’s in a horror film but instead is dealing with a BREAKFAST CLUB type of situation. This one has a lot that I don’t want to spoil, but trust me when I say that SCARE PACKAGE ends on a high note and walks away Costanza style.

GORE: This has so much gore that I could write an entire article on just that. SCARE PACKAGE delivers on the red stuff and will even surprise you by how far it goes.

BOTTOM LINE: It’s not easy to balance humor and horror without an overreliance on one, but SCARE PACKAGE is a blood-soaked damn fine time that strikes that balance perfectly. This knows the genre well and has the wit and knowledge to poke fun at what we all love about horror. A labor of love that’s covered in gore, SCARE PACKAGE is one of the best times I’ve had all year.