Last Updated on July 26, 2021
THE KEEPER (2010)
Rating: 2.5 on 4 / Buy the DVD here
Directed by Keoni Waxman
Starring Steven Seagal, Liezl Carstens, Luce Reins, Steph DuVall
THE PLAN: Aging LA cop Steven Seagal is forced into retirement and drowns away his sorrows by popping pills. But when a friend from Texas calls him with a job guarding his hot daughter from would be kidnappers and local mobsters, Seagal does everything he can to protect her. Some could call him the bodyguard, some could call him the protector, but really… Steven Seagal is… THE KEEPER!
THE KILL: There’s something about sitting down to watch a Steven Seagal movie that gets me all giddy inside. Maybe it’s the anticipation that the film could hold something awesome, something cool, and something so extraordinary that the old Seagal I grew up loving in such hits like UNDER SIEGE and ABOVE THE LAW will be back.. with a vengeance. And while THE KEEPER has it’s moments of awesomeness, and plenty of Seagalisms, it’s not quite the return to glory I was hoping for. Sorry folks, maybe his next STD actionner (likely released next month) will be the one film to blow us away and make us believers in the Seagal once again
Look at the camera one more time and I’ll f*cking kill you! Ahhhhhhhhhh!
That’s not to say that THE KEEPER didn’t have all the elements of an entertaining STD action movie, because it did. Lots of action, from fist fights to knife figts, shoot-outs to car chases, and yes… even an explosion makes an appearance for no real reason at all. When it comes to the action itself, THE KEEPER doesn’t hold back and neither does Seagal. Every time someone’s hit by a spray of bullets, we’re treated to a spray of blood. When Seagal bitch slaps a thug, breaks his arm, or throws him to the ground, you feel his power, and you’re thankful you’re not the schmuck on the receiving end.
Now that Seagal is getting up there in age (though his hair is still jet-black and mulletish), this is the type of role he was made for. A retired cop playing bodyguard to a young smokin’ hottie. What better role than an aging
bodyguard for an aging action star? There is none, because as luck always has it, there’s some serious work to be done while he’s on the job: kicking ass, and lots of it.
This scene was shot in between takes of STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN.
Along with the blood-happy violence, THE KEEPER also features some gratuitous nudity (always a plus), and a smokin’ hot damsel in distress–the lovely Nikita, played by Liezl Carstens. While on the
borderline of being a hooch, Nikita doesn’t go full nudity (boo!), but does strut around in revealing clothing, and is continuously laying the mack on Seagal. While she doesn’t come out and say it, this girl wants to f*ck Seagal’s brains out. And what does Seagal do? He
coolly smirks at her, and tells her she’s the bosses daughter. Like a true badass, Seagal is always on the job.
So where does THE KEEPER lack where other classic Seagal vehicles flourish? One, the villains. Or should I say, the pussy-ass villains. Seagal’s opponents, from his double-crossing partner to the Texan mobster and all of his street thugs, were as weak as they come when it comes to being bad guys. Maybe it’s because Seagal is too tough and too badass that all of his opponents seem weak, but these guys were lame. They weren’t even evil to the point of where you wanted them to die, they were just… retarded. And, oddly enough, none of them die. How’s that possible, you ask? I dunno,
as the body count was pretty damn high, but some how the main baddies didn’t get
the justice they deserved
Talk about a round-table of pussies. These schmucks vs Seagal? Guess who wins.
There also wasn’t enough action to go around. A lot of waiting around, a lot of chit chat, a lot of other things going on–but the action? Few and far between. Maybe it just felt like long breaks in the action because the filler (the script, the dialogue) was so silly and un-engaging, but no more so than any other STD action movie. A little less talk, a little more ass-kicking, and this could have been an amazing entry in the Seagal library of films.
See this? This is the face of someone who doesn’t give a f*ck.
Also, think I just shit my pants.
THE KEEPER was what you’d expect from a monthly Steven Seagal STD action flick. High body count, lots of ass kicking, lots of shoot outs, a car chase, and an explosion thrown in for good luck. It also featured a couple of boobies, a smokin’ hot leading lady, and the always cool, always grimacing Seagal looking as badass as usual, and loving every second of it. There’s a few good lines (but not many memorable ones), and plenty of action / fight sequences–there just should have been more action, and less filler. Is this the next OUT FOR JUSTICE or HARD TO KILL? Maybe if the bad guys were badder it could have been up there, but as it was, THE KEEPER was your run of the mill STD action flick heightened only by the sheer coolness that is Seagal. If you’re a fan of the man and his work, you’ll likely enjoy THE KEEPER. If you’re looking for Seagal’s return to glory… you might simply have to wait for A DANGEROUS MAN, his next STD actionner out next month.
Teaser trailer for THE KEEPER
TOP DEATH: I’ve seen Seagal do some crazy shit with a knife before, and I’ve seen him break necks like it’s nobody’s business, but this is the first time that I’ve ever seen the man use his open hand like a knife, and punch/stab a guy in the neck. One second it’s Seagal, the next second it’s Seagal with all of his fingers in some dude’s jugular. Wasn’t expecting that! Seagal really is a lethal weapon!
TOP ACTION SCENE: Seagal goes hand-to-hand combat with a thug who actually fights back in a local Texas restaurant. An even exchange of punches, bitch slaps, and oddly-restricted kicks made for a pretty entertaining fight. It’s not everyday Seagal doesn’t just break a guy in half before they have a chance to fight back. The scene opens up with a shoot-out in the parking lot, so this was simply icing on the cake.
Hold on a second, I’m taking a shit.
TOP HOMOEROTIC MOMENT: Seagal glares at anything homoerotic, stopping it dead in its tracks. However, Nikita practically throws herself at him and he doesn’t even try to play hide the salami with her. He’s also with some hottie in the beginning of the film, though their relationship was nothing more than platonic. It’s either he has no time for the ladies, or he’s… well, you know.
FEMALE EXPLOITATION: Nikita struts in hoochie club wear most the time, but it’s the random slutty topless chicks that take the cake. Two separate scenes of Nikita’s boyfriend cheating on her with some nice-tittied skanks, and one big-chested Asian girl at a massage parlor making a phone call. And when I say ‘big-chested,’ I mean they were huge! None have much screen time, but every second counts when it comes to topless chicks in an action movie like this.
Wow, is there a midget hiding in your hat, or you just happy to see me?
TOP LINE/DIALOGUE:
While I always enjoy when Seagal busts out his ‘street’ or ‘thug’ talk, and I always dig when he busts out some improve, which usually starts with ‘Well, you know’, ‘Well, you see’, and sometimes, “Well, I mean”, but this line was one of his better ass-kicking lines:
“I have a rule to kill anyone who pulls a knife on me. But I also have a rule that I don’t kill children. Which rule do you think I should follow?”
DRINKING GAME: Every time Seagal is looking at the floor while having a face-to-face conversation with someone else, you gotta drink! Or simply drink every time Seagal scowls… either way, you’ll have a blast!
TRIVIA: Director Keori Waxman also directed Seagal’s next film, A DANGEROUS MAN, which hits DVD February 9, 2010.
DVD FEATURES: The DVD was as barebones as it gets and offered nothing in terms of Special Features, but did present the film in Anamorphic Widescreen (the film looked damn good) and 5.1 Dolby Digital Audio (the film sounded pretty damn good, too).
Never mess with a man and his gun collection.
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