COLLATERAL DAMAGE (2002)
Rating: 1.5 on 4 / Buy the DVD here
Tagline: Nothing is more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose.
Directed by Andrew Davis
Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Leguizamo, John Turturro, Elias Koteas, and Cliff Curtis
THE KILL: Before Arnold took office as the Governor of California in 2004, he starred in TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES… and before that, he starred in COLLATERAL DAMAGE. Now that his Governorship is over Arnold’s returning to the big screen, though what his comeback role is unknown. I decided to revisit COLLATERAL DAMAGE, mostly to see what Arnold shouldn’t do when he returns to the silver screen and to know that he can only go up from here.
Every time I throw on COLLATERAL DAMAGE I want to believe that it’s a good, solid action movie, and way better than I actually remember it being than when I saw it in the theaters opening day in 2002. Unfortunately, the flick doesn’t get better, but it actually gets worse upon each viewing, as the special CGI effects look faker and faker and it becomes more apparent that Arnold had all but lost his touch on delivering grade A action entertainment by this point in his career. His few minutes in THE EXPENDABLES was way better and more entertaining than this stinker.
“The Flaming Flamingo Cock Tail Lounge is right over there, you can’t miss it.”
The biggest shame doesn’t lie with the pile of trash that it ended up being but the potential the film had to be awesome. Director Andrew Davis also directed ABOVE THE LAW and THE FUGITIVE for cripes sake! And it co-starred the great Elias Koteas and funny man John Leguizamo. But instead of epic action sequences or a serious revenge flick where the everyday man gets to lay the proverbial smack-down on terrorists, it ends up being a mess of an action movie—and I use the word ‘action’ very loosely here. A better way would be to call this a thriller with a splash of action in it, and for a Schwarzenegger vehicle, that just doesn’t cut it.
“I’m going to kill my agent as soon as I get out of this f*cking movie!!!”
Not all is atrocious (though most of it is), as there are a few noteworthy elements at play here: Cliff Curtis plays the stereotypical terrorist (similar to NAME in TRUE LIES) like you’d stereotypically expect and I sort of admire the filmmakers for going that route—no political correctness here! Also, the initial act that kicks off the entire movie is pretty hardcore—I mean, when was the last time you saw a flick where they killed a 5 year old? For having the balls to pull a move like that off, I’ll give it props. Unfortunately, that’s where the props end…
“For the 100th time, I’m NOT the dude from TRUE LIES! Promise!”
Arnold looks old and tired throughout, like he was going through the motions half-assed and not giving 110%. If it were James Cameron giving the shots, I’m pretty sure it’d be the Arnold we all know and love. But it’s not just Arnold that’s a drawback here, it’s everything else too. The lame excuses for action sequences (Arnold barely holds a weapon or kills anyone here), the bland narration from the guy who helps Arnold into Columbia, the fact that Arnold’s character’s name is Gordy Brewer, and the way that each explosion or waterfall action sequence looks like it was all done in post-production with CGI. Add it all up and you have the perfect example of why today’s action movies suck balls.
…And this is how two people shit in the jungle: teamwork.
To quote the great Eric Walkuski, COLLATERAL DAMAGE is one of Arnold’s most forgettable movies, right up there alongside JUNIOR and THE 6TH DAY. It’s a flick that should never have been made in the first place and one that, if not for Arnold, nobody would ever revisit again. Normally REEL ACTION spotlights the achievements of action flicks over the years, focusing on the kind of badass violence that we don’t see as much in 2011. But for the sake of remembering the bad (as well as the good), and because Arnold recently announced that he’s coming back to the big screen, I felt that featuring one of his worse efforts will remind him (and us) that he needs to make his decision wisely on what he decides to do. Having Arnold back on the big screen doesn’t mean shit if all he’s gonna do is this type of bologna.
Trailer for COLLATERAL DAMAGE!
TOP DEATH: There’s only really one kill that’s noteworthy and it has to do with Arnold throwing a fire-axe into someone’s chest. That someone is an a-hole, so it’s a pretty awesome move.
TOP ACTION SCENE: Arnold running from a speeding motorcycle while the speeding motorcycle is escape a giant fireball of explosions. Ridiculous, yes, but some of the most entertaining seconds the film has to offer, followed by one of the few hand-to-hand combat sequences.
It was at this moment when Arnold thought he was making a PREDATOR sequel–a more family friendly version than before.
TOP HOMOEROTIC MOMENT: Arnold shares a cell with John Turtorro who, at times, as this look of desperation in his eyes like he’s been there for a real long time. But it’s all speculative… we’re talkin’ a post-shirtless Arnold here.
FEMALE EXPLOITATION: Nothing in this department either. His wife is hot and so is the woman he meets while in Columbia, but the flick offers nothing more than a Noxema commercial in terms of the T and the A.
Years later she miraculously became younger and starred as Kate in the hit TV show LOST.
TOP LINE/DIALOGUE:
Arnold: Collateral damage?? Collateral damage?? I’ll show you some f*cking collateral damage!!! [he uses a baseball bat to bust-up a computer and other office furniture]
DRINKING GAME: Every time Arnold scowls or looks like he may have a heart attack at any moment, you have to drink!
GODDAMNIT! This ISN’T PREDATOR 2!!!! RUN!!!
TRIVIA: The original release date for COLLATERAL DAMAGE was scheduled for October of 2001… however, after the events of 9/11, Warner Bros. opted to push the release to February to show respect for those affected by the real life acts of terrorism.
His name may be Gordy Brewer, but he’s no pussy!