12 ROUNDS (2009)
Rating: 0 on 4 / Buy the DVD here (or don’t)
Tagline: From the director of DIE HARD 2 and the producer of SPEED
Directed by Renny Harlin
Starring John Cena, Aidan Gillen, Ashley Scott.
THE KILL: What the f*ck is going on around here? Why can’t a decent action movie get made these days? How come there’s so much shit out there that people have actually recommended this f*cking movie as a solid action flick? Normally REEL ACTION is devoted to recommending hardcore action films that you should check out, either for their brutality, their cheesiness, or their overall coolness. Not today. Today’s REEL ACTION is a warning: do not make any attempt to watch 12 ROUNDS. Ever. Not only will you be disappointed, but you will also be furiously pissed off.
The potential for this film to rock is may have what hurt it the most, but really the whole thing is just a mess of a movie. I’ll get to all that, but let’s start with the potential, the reason why you may feel inclined to pick this biotch up and give it a try. As the tagline states, the film is directed by Renny Harlin, who used to be one of my favorite directors, mostly because he knew how to deliver some grade A entertainment. We’re talking DIE HARD 2, THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT, CLIFFHANGER, DEEP BLUE SEA, MINDHUNTERS, and to a lesser extent DRIVEN and CUTTHROAT ISLAND. An action movie directed by this guy has to be awesome, right? Wrong.
John Cena outruns fire, smoke, an explosion, and a car!
Then there’s the other half of the tagline, about being from the producer of SPEED. Sure, the producer doesn’t really matter, but still… there’s some more hope for you right there because SPEED was awesome. John Cena did a pretty good job in THE MARINE as an action hero, so the potential for him to rock it hard again was way up there too, especially considering it’s from the director of DIE HARD 2 and CLIFFHANGER. Yes, yes, so much potential for awesomeness… only to be let down. Hard.
Where to begin…. For starters, the set-up for the film, the first sentence of the synopsis above, takes about 20-25 minutes to unfold. Where it should have only taken a little longer than the opening credits, and maybe have maxed out around 15 minutes, it takes a good chunk of time–they should have taken notes from the trailer, which tells you all you need to know or see about the set up of the film in about 30 seconds (or less).
Then there’s the overall story and chain of events. The film is essentially SPEED and DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE with a light dusting of TRUE LIES, making this one of the most predictable action movies ever made. The big difference here is, no one gets shot, the film has a body count of maybe 2 or 3, and the action sequences are lame. The set-up is SPEED through and through and there’s even a high speed drive through New Orleans in a firetruck. Cena’s partner is helping him find the guy while he’s out running through the street, like Jeff Daniels. Guess what happens when the guy goes to the location where he thinks the perp may be hiding? Yeah, it really is that much of a rip-off. Oh, and before I forget, watch for the car chase that strangely echoes the one featured in OUT FOR JUSTICE.
Yep, this is the exact wardrobe and hairstyle Keanu Reeves rocked in SPEED. Coincidence? I think not.
The cat and mouse game is played out like the Simon Sez game from DIE HARD 3. Not only that, but the reasoning behind the game itself is also a blatant rip-off of the reasoning Hans Gruber’s brother was playing with McClane: money. There’s no sidekick here, however,and the rounds of the game are all pretty stupid. There’s no real danger to anyone except a “fire” created by smoke bombs and a street trolley whose breaks were cut (only way to stop it: cut the power).
And the TRUE LIES tie-in? Cena says “sorry” as he’s destroying the city by plowing a fire truck through cars and stuff, just like Arnie. Oh, and there’s an exchange with Cena tells his partner he’s driving a fire truck and his partner is dumbfounded, just like when Arnie tells Tom Arnold that he better hurry up because his horse is getting tired.
All this wouldn’t matter so much if the action was awesome, but it’s not. It’s boring. This may be one of the most boring action movies I’ve ever sat through. Their idea of action is having Cena run. A lot. And at great speeds, like he runs after a speeding car (and catches it) or he runs after ferry boats (and catches it). Running doesn’t necessarily mean action. There’s some speeding cars here and there, an elevator ride that could have been phat (but was too predictable to even matter), and just a couple of explosions that were kind of awesome in a “I’m so bored in this movie anything will help” kind of way.
These two look awfully serious, but what the hell is up with the jerk-off in the background?
The whole time I couldn’t figure out why this movie sucked as hard as it did, then I realized that most of it had to do with the script. The dialog is horrendous all the way through, not just lines here and there, but most (if not all) interaction between characters is hard to swallow. Before the real meat of the story kicks off I was already counting the times people on screen didn’t need to talk but were given lines to say anyway, making snide comments about this or that. Would have been way better if they just didn’t talk at all.
The script was shoddy at best, but it’s the entire package that sucked ass in the end. Renny Harlin. I used to love the guy’s movies, even CUTTHROAT ISLAND, but not anymore. I am no longer on the Harlin train. This movie was such a rape of my time and intelligence that I no longer have any respect for the man as a director. THE COVENANT wasn’t even this bad. I can’t even blame Cena for the crapfest that happened in 12 ROUNDS because he wasn’t that bad, he just wasn’t given anything interesting or cool to do. Sure, his deliver was off sometimes and he’ll never be as slick as Schwarzenegger, but he could have made this bearable if the material wasn’t so silly.
I didn’t even hit everything that irked me about this movie, but I’ll stop here. You get the idea, I think. If it wasn’t the script or the storyline we’ve seen done better years before, it was the weak action sequences,the drawn-out set-up, and the horrendous dialog that did this movie in. Not to mention how boring and predictable it was, which when we’re talking action, is never a good thing (predictability I can live with, but boring? In an action movie? Eff that). Don’t be fooled by the potential for this film to rock your socks off (because it definitely has it), and don’t believe anyone who tells you it’s a decent action movie. Because it’s not. It’s an insult to every action movie fan out there, and should be avoided at all costs.
Trailer for 12 ROUNDS!
TOP DEATH: Since there’s only a couple to choose from, I’m going with the chick who gets hit (unexpectedly) by a car in the beginning. It sets up the whole movie and was sort off funny the way she goes flying, yet her body lands inches from where she was hit in the first place.
Look at me, I’m the world’s pussiest villain!
TOP ACTION SCENE: I have to put something here, don’t I? Ok, out of all the crappy action sequences, I guess I’ll go with… the runaway trolley. How absurd that a runaway trolley equals an action sequence, the top action sequence at that, but there you go. I felt like the dude on the trolley who sleeps through all the excitement and doesn’t know what’s going on when he wakes up after the trolley comes to a complete (and safe) stop.
See this trolley, John? It’s gonna get more action in this movie than you. Believe it!
TOP HOMOEROTIC MOMENT: All the fist-bumping Cena and his partner (Brian White) do throughout the film, and the fact that White gets shot in the buttcheek, makes me think there was something going on between these dudes. Otherwise, Cena doesn’t even take his shirt off once throughout the entire thing.
FEMALE EXPLOITATION: It would have been nice if they used Ashley Scott’s hotness for something more than scenery, but alas, you get her in long T-shirt without any pants, and that’s about it. She’s pretty hot, but she’s crying (and fully clothed) most the time. There’s also the Harlin signature “chick’s skirt being blown up over her head because she’s near so much action the wind practically blows her clothes off” sequences (see DRIVEN for the prefect example of this), but it happens so fast that blink and you’ll miss it
TOP LINE/DIALOGUE:
Cena (after jumping from an exploding helicopter into a rooftop pool where a couple is in the jacuzzi staring in horror): What? I just jumped from an exploding helicopter. No big deal.
What’d you say about my momma???
DRINKING GAME: Every time you think SPEED or DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE while watching this p.o.s., you have to drink… to dull the pain.
TRIVIA: There’s a scene where Cena must have Jackson on the phone for 30 seconds for the FBI to trace the call. The scene’s run time is 1:05, and it still wasn’t long enough for the FBI to land a trace.
12 ROUNDS is so boring they use this useless shot as a publicity still to sell the movie. Seriously???