DOLPH LUNDGREN IS THE KILLING MACHINE
Rating: 3 out of 4 /Buy the DVD Here
Tagline: No one is safe.
Directed by: Dolph Lundgren
Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Stefanie von Pfetten, Samantha Ferris and Bo Svenson
THE PLAN: Dolph Lundgren plays Eddie Genn, a normal guy with a boring job (investment broker) and an ex-wife and kid who don’t enjoy his company. In his spare time, however, Eddie is a ruthless assassin for the Russian mafia. After he’s double-crossed by some associates, his separate lives collide; now he’s got to make sure his family isn’t turned into gruel.
THE KILL:First of all, yes, the actual title of this movie is DOLPH LUNDGREN IS THE KILLING MACHINE. It was at one point called ICARUS – after the character’s code name – but I suppose it was more enticing to make people think this was a documentary about Lundgren’s real life as a murderer. He’s not playing himself, though, so it’s kind of an odd decision. I won’t argue that the sentiment comes across during the course of the movie: dude kills a lot – a lot – of people.
Dolph is the least convincing investment broker in the world as Edward Genn, a successful but uninteresting guy who nonetheless has a hot piece of ass girlfriend (Dolph directed this flick, after all) and an ex-wife who is all “Spend more time with your daughter yapyapyap!” Eddie is down for reconnecting with his little girl but for the fact that every week he has to fly out of the country to go murder a crime syndicate boss. Eddie is a hitman for the Russian mob, a gig he received after defecting from the Soviet Union (he was KGB). Glumly accepting the money from a sleazy intermediary, we watch Eddie as he goes about this duty with efficiency, but not much enthusiasm. If only they’d let him cut out and lead a normal life, dammit!
Of course, Eddie is ultimately double-crossed; the people he trusted have turned against him. In fact, Eddie is double-crossed like three different times in this flick, proving that you really just can’t trust anyone in the crime game. He takes it all in stride though, mostly appearing worn out during all the betrayals and shootings. But as he’s a killing machine, he makes wholesale slaughter look easy. I did not keep count, but Eddie puts a lot of holes in a lot of people (no CG blood either! Squibs!).
DOLPH LUNDGREN IS THE KILLING MACHINE is a pretty no-frills piece of action entertainment, and because it’s so stripped down, it more or less works. Nothing flashy here, but Lundgren is actually not bad behind the camera. Fond of quick, brutal bursts of violence and extreme close-ups (and blood), Lundgren has proven with this and COMMAND PERFORMANCE to be a rather effective technician of workmanlike action. No, he’s not going to blow you away or announce himself the next Tony Scott, but he gets things done. (Although, to be honest, COMMAND PERFORMANCE is a bit more fun, thanks to its over-the-top concept and violence.)
So will you dig DOLPH LUNDGREN IS THE KILLING MACHINE? Well, what do you think of that title? That should tell you all you really need to know.
TOP DEATH: A guy’s head gets impaled on a metal bench press bar. Feel the burn!
TOP ACTION: The final firefight at a drug lord’s ranch brings some pain… as well as explosions and bullets.
FEMALE EXPLOITATION: Dolph gets it on with his ex-wife… mere hours after her new lover is murdered in front of her. Dolph cures all ills!
HOMOEROTIC MOMENT: The mysterious business man who visits Dolph in his office is a little… shall we say, effeminate.
TOP DIALOGUE: Cowering bad guy: “Who are you?” Dolph: “I’m your executioner”. Pow!
DRINKING GAME: Drink every time it looks like Dolph just wants to take a nap.
TRIVIA: Bo Svenson, who plays the main baddie here, was in the original INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS. He was in the remake too!