NAVY SEALS (1990)
Rating: 2.5 on 4 / Buy the DVD here
Tagline: When danger is its own reward, there are men who will go anywhere, dare anything, they’re Navy Seals, an elite fighting force who don’t know how to loose.
Directed by Lewis Teague
Starring Charlie Sheen, Michael Biehn, Bill Paxton, and Dennis Haysbert
THE KILL: The action films of the ’80s and ’90s focused more on the individual ass-kickers than they did on group ass-kickers. For every one DELTA FORCE there were six DIE HARDs or COMMANDOs blowing shit up. Fast-forward to today, and group ass-kickers is taking the lead (THE EXPENDABLES, THE A-TEAM, and THE LOSERS to name a few). But 20 years before Stallone put together the manliness man movie ever, there was another movie about an elite team of ass-kickers: NAVY SEALS.
Featuring the B squad of action heroes, the film had a simple enough premise: show the world what Navy SEALS do. They go on rescue missions, they go to weddings but will drop everything the second their pagers go off, they jump out of moving cars and off bridges, they scuba with machine guns, and they know how to blow things away–and how to blow shit up.
I’m taking the biggest crap right now!!! Ughhhhhhhh!!!!
Of course, when I say B squad, I mean that in the best way possible. The flick features the one and only Michael Biehn, who had been on a James Cameron hot-streak with THE TERMINATOR and ALIENS by the time NAVY SEALS was released. Then there’s Biehn’s ALIENS co-star Bill Paxton playing a more controlled and put together ass-kicker than his “Game Over, man!” Lt. Hudson. Charlie Sheen was shaping his career quite nicely by this point, having RED DAWN, WALL STREET, MAJOR LEAGUE, and YOUNG GUNS under his belt. This here is classic Sheen too, where he tries to be serious and blowing people away with a machine gun but the guy can’t not say a one-liner after doing so. It’s not in his DNA, I guess.
There are two major complaints I have with the film which knocks down its Reel Action status a lot more than it should be because, let’s face it, it’s a fun “man movie” filled with cool operatives, gunfights, explosions, and a golf sequence montage. it’s hard not to love that, but it’s still missing a few things that would have really catapulted it up towards the top of the Reel Action Hall of Fame: Babes & Bad Guys.
Four white dudes and one black one: guess which one dies first.
There are only two female characters in the film, one of which is butt ugly but she’s getting married so I guess that’s ok (she also shows up as Miles Dyson’s wife in TERMINATOR 2 a year later) and a sorta hot reporter who also happens to be Biehn’s love interest. Neither chicks get naked. Sheen is supposed to be the biggest playa on the team and yet… we never see him get any action. A team like this typically enjoys spending time at titty bars… but not in this movie. What the f*ck is up with that? But even if there’s no nudity, there should be at least a hotter reporter wearing more scandalous clothes than what we actually get. Weak!!!!
And finally, the bad guys. Or should I say, the lack there of. In a way, the biggest villain the SEALS face are the missiles themselves, and not the dudes smuggling them. Sure, the body count is high and that’s fantastic, but there’s not a “main bad guy” to hate or to look forward to meeting a horrible death. There’s not a single villain for these dudes to go after. They’re after the missiles and that’s it. The baddie that runs that operation could have been made out to be really bad, but they don’t go anywhere with him and we don’t see how bad he really is. Maybe this is truer to what a SEALs team is all about, but in terms of an action movie… you gotta have a bad guy!
These guys eat Green Beret’s for breakfast, and right now they’re VERY hungry!!!
There are also no car chases except when Sheen jumps out of a moving Jeep and into the water. But whatever, for the most part, NAVY SEALS is one fun ride! The firefights these dudes get into are cool, the bravado of the team and the close-knit relationships they all have is fun, and I’m not gonna act like I didn’t like Sheen’s cheesy one-liners and off-the-wall antics. He at least made the movie fun. Biehn’s playing a classic Biehn role though he’s usually a little more badass than he was here. Then again, he is “in charge” so it’s not like he can f*ck off and be crazy like Sheen can.
When all is said and done, NAVY SEALS is one entertaining ride. It’s fun. It doesn’t take itself nearly as seriously as it probably should have, considering the subject matter, but what the hell are ya gonna do? There’s action, there’s comedy, there’s the Biehn–what more do you need? Oh yeah–bad guys and hotties, that’s what. But whatever, you’ll still get your groove on with NAVY SEALS.
Trailer for NAVY SEALS!
TOP DEATH: When a terrorists says something about Sheen’s mother, he does what you’d expect any cold-blooded American to do: he blows the f*cker away, followed by “NEVER talk about Mom…”!
The last time I went to the beach I got stung by a bee. What followed was exactly like this.
TOP ACTION SCENE: The opening rescue mission is exciting, filled with plenty of gunfire, explosions, one-liners, a high body count, and Sheen going a little apeshit on a door with his shotgun. Since they’re rescuing people and not out to recover missiles, there’s a little more at stake.
TOP HOMOEROTIC MOMENT: Besides all the ass-grabbin’ macho bullshit that goes on throughout, the only real fife moment is the “The Boys Are Back in Town” music montage where the team has a day off and they go golfing. Short shorts, armless T-shirts, and golfing… that pretty much sums it up right there.
If you dig men in uniforms, you’re gonna love yourself some NAVY SEALS!
FEMALE EXPLOITATION: The film’s biggest fault lies right here: not a single drop of T or A. No gratuitous visit to a strip club, no hot and steamy sex scene between Biehn and his reporter friend, no classic Sheen moment with cocaine and a hooker… nothing. FAIL.
TOP LINE/DIALOGUE:
Sheen: For God’s sake, be careful out there!
Paxton: If I were going to be careful, I’d have joined the Coast Guard…
Before he was a porn expertise, Charlie Sheen carried a shotgun and knew how to use it.
DRINKING GAME: Every time Sheen cracks a one-liner or doesn’t take shit nearly as seriously as a Navy SEAL probably should, you gotta drink!
TRIVIA: The infamous golfing sequence replaced the scripted knife-throwing (i.e., dick measuring) contest as it was too much like the volleyball game in TOP GUN.
Claaaaaaaaaaaaaaasic Sheen.