Poseidon

A massive cruise-liner packed with rich folk, a gay man, a single mom and some crazy kids in love, falls victim to a “rogue wave” and finds itself flipped upside down in the middle of the ocean. With water pouring in and only a few ways out, a handful of movie stars get together and attempt to escape the disaster. What ensues is Josh Lucas as an action hero, and a whole lot of water and explosions.

Meh. This film is kinda like the last hour of TITANIC stretched out into 90 minutes and without any of the lovey-dovey stuff. Interest you? It sorta interested me, but once it was all said and done (and done damn quickly, I might add), there wasn’t much to remember from this so-called summer blockbuster, and after a “Pretty much what I expected” verdict on Tom Cruise’s third shot at impossible missions, I have to say that this film actually disappointed me somewhat, particularly because we — as a summer popcorn movie audience — deserve and expect a lot more than what this film ultimately offered. Other than its impressive BIG WAVE scene and corresponding tumble of the big boat in the water, things ultimately fell into a groove, with a tiny portion of the people from the ship, hooking up and attempting to make their way out of there. After a while though, they’re basically just moving from one room to the next room to the next room, etc… It’s a little suspenseful, but also not all that gripping, since it’s an “action movie” after all, and the characters aren’t all that developed. I did give half a shit about Kurt Russell and his daughter though, but that might’ve simply been the “Snake Plissken factor” coming into play. Everyone else did their jobs okay, but the film simply didn’t bowl me over in any which way or form, and I gotta say…any future moviemaker that attempts to do a “boat sinking flick” better make sure that they are aiming higher than the TITANIC because that film impressed us back in 1997, and if you can’t beat that today…you’re in trouble.

This high-budgeted movie even had some obvious CGI characters being tossed around in the water at times, and that just takes you out of the movie. Sure, I was as happy as a young stud making his way through his first whorehouse when that chick from the Black Eyed Peas bought it in the film, but other than that, I was simply lightly entertained by it all, noticing weird things in the movie, just to keep things interesting like a “penis statuette” sitting next to Emmy Rossum’s character in the first shot of her and her boyfriend in the film, and a possible grab-ass from Josh Lucas onto a fellow Latina passenger as they were crawling through an air-duct at some point (you go, boyee). I don’t know…maybe I was just day-dreaming, not sure. At the end of the day though, this film simply didn’t cut it as a full-blown summer action thriller, and at about 90 minutes in length, I would certainly not recommend you spend your hard-earned money on this obvious video flick. Also, it is me or did the three lead ladies start looking like the same person after a while? Dunk them in water and wet their shirts and it looked like three hot brunettes to me. Spice it up a little, Wolfgang…toss a blonde in there, man! A redhead! And these must’ve been the three least productive girls in any action movie. C’mon dude…one of them could’ve helped out too, no? Or is it just a boys club? Razzie!

(c) 2021 Berge Garabedian