So, do remember when, last year, the United States experienced a rash of creepy clown sightings? I'm not talking about one of those cruel, staged pranks where a killer clown with an over-sized mallet is splitting fake skulls in an underground parking lot. I'm referring to when twisted individuals literally dressed as clowns and stalked innocent bystanders by the dozens. Of course you do, how could anyone forget?
Well, it appears that as a preemptive concern to the upcoming release of Andy Muschietti's remake of Stephen King's IT, the Pennsylvania Police Department has issued a community safety bulletin to local residents warning them of a possible resurgence of the unholy trend.
You can read the full statement here, though in short, the bulletin states the following:
“With the Fall of 2017 upon us, it is anticipated that similar ‘creepy clown’ sightings could be reported starting as soon as September, in part due to the fact that the movie ‘It’ will be released in theaters on 9/8/201.”
Listen up, clowns! Instead of hiding in bushes, trespassing on school grounds, and hanging out at the local food court, why don't you go back to the Eighth Circle of Hell where you belong? It's bad enough that we all have to suffer through the Gathering of the Juggalos every year. We definitely don't need your bizarre circus to come to town, too. Why not let the fine folks who are excited about the release of IT soil themselves the old fashioned way, through genuine cinematic scares and awkward car rides home? You know, the kind where you look in the rear view mirror one too many times to see if a clown is waiting to murder you in the back seat? And no, that is not an invitation for you to go breaking into people's cars. In fact, why don't you go enlist yourself in mime classes and place yourself in an invisible box for the rest of eternity? Thanks.
Andy Muschietti's IT will float into theaters on September 8th.