C’mon Hollywood: Take more chances on those Star Wars spin-offs!

Last Updated on August 2, 2021

Is it just me, or does it seem Disney has been shoving STAR WARS down our throats lately? They’re all like, “Hey kids! Do you like STAR WARS? Can’t get enough of it, right? No? Well, fuck you, you’re getting all the STAR WARS anyway, you dumb piece of shit! Don’t like it? There’s nothing you can do about it! STAR WARS shall rule all!!! BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”

…

Now that was a dramatization of course, but it sure feels that way, especially with the aforementioned Disney and Lucasfilms’ mantra of getting a STAR WARS film out to theaters once a year. First we’re getting the saga films like THE FORCE AWAKENS, THE LAST JEDI, and EPISODE IX – as well as ROGUE ONE, the young HAN SOLO film, and the recently announced OBI-WAN, BOBA FETT, and JABBA THE HUTT films in-between. And that’s just the beginning! Because then there’s also gonna be a STAR WARS movies about ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Look, here’s the thing: it isn’t that we’re getting a bunch of STAR WARS that bothers me. The universe itself is vast and cool, and there are probably tons of stories to draw from. Hell, Marvel is still going strong with its universe, there’s no reason STAR WARS can’t do the same thing. I mean, look how many EU novels, games, comics, etc. there were! Difference is, the STAR WARS films don’t seem to be expanding its universe, but rather contracting it. Not only that, but these upcoming films have the potential to demystify a lot of great characters in the process – one of the chief criticisms of the prequels and its treatment of both Darth Vader and Boba Fett.

And, don’t get me wrong, I’m aware that this is a business venture – an expensive one at that. So I can imagine it taking awhile before they make a cancer drama starring Momaw Nadon or something. However, that doesn’t mean making prequels to characters who don’t need it. Sure, a JABBA THE HUTT movie could be a straight-up sci-fi gangster film…but is that novel enough? Furthermore, is Jabba compelling enough to hold a whole narrative to himself, even with that genre-mashing caveat? And while OBI-WAN could be a cool Ronin-style sci-fi samurai film, and Boba Fett a sci-fi western, where do we go from here? An R2-D2 prequel? A YOUNG YODA film? At a certain point, you’re going to run out of characters that are worth telling stories about…and Jabba is already pushing it.

Like, why can’t we have a THIS IS SPINAL TAP-esque rock star mockumentary about The Max Rebo Band? A RUSH-style sports movie set in the world of podracing? A romantic comedy set around Corusaunt? Or…anything! Go crazy with it!

What’s strange is that ROGUE ONE seems to be the outlier in this case. While it’s still dealing with overused iconography (in this case the Death Star…making an appearance in all but two STAR WARS films in some shape or form at this point), it at least didn’t follow any legacy characters besides quick cameos. Not only that, but it also tried to do something different by being an actual war film, while STAR WARS proper is more of an adventure story that happens to occur during a war (the way INDIANA JONES is set during WWII but isn’t an actual WWII film).

I don’t know. These STAR WARS movies are making a billion-dollars each, even the one spin-off they’ve had. There are smart people working on these things, so what the hell do I know? I can barely pay rent and often times have to choose between food or internet (though internet always wins, because porn).

And the thing is, Disney is just playing things safe (yes SPOILERS ROGUE ONE killed all their main characters, but that also closes plot-holes about their continuing adventures, so it was kind of a win-win for the studio) – but perhaps, again, it’s playing it too safe. Remember, even ROGUE ONE was about the Death Star, as well as featuring extended cameos from Darth Vader and Princess Leia. It’s only an outlier from the other proposed films by inches, not miles. And eventually people are going to get sick of paying $12-15 a pop to spend time in a galaxy far, far away if they keep the stories in basically a five-mile, easily recognizable radius. If they don’t start taking chances, they’re own mighty empire will fall as well.

And seriously, I want that Max Rebo band film, like, yesterday!