Awfully Good: Nude Nuns With Big Guns

August 22nd 2012, 2:16am

Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010)

Director: Joseph Guzman
Stars: Asun Ortega, David Castro, Bill Oberst Jr.

After a nun is shot and left for dead in a drug deal gone wrong, she returns as a holy vigilante intent on cleaning up the corrupt clergy and the motorcycle gang protecting them.

If there’s one question you have about this movie, it’s probably, “Is the title accurate?” And the answer is a resounding “Yes.” There are lots of nuns. Most of them are naked. (In fact, pretty much every female within a mile radius of the set was required to take her clothes off.) And some of the sisters do boast firearms, a few of which are quite sizable. In conclusion, NUDE NUNS WITH BIG GUNS lives up to it’s name and if that’s all you’re looking for, you should be quite happy.

This is why we don’t allow cameras in JoBlo’s hotel room at Comic-Con.

Beyond that, the flick also delivers on its promise as a post-GRINDHOUSE exploitation movie, with plenty of gritty violence, over the top characters and the aforementioned plethora of nudity. However, I was quite surprised at how “serious” NUDE NUNS WITH BIG GUNS took itself. Not to suggest that anyone was aspiring for dramatic accolades, but you could tell that, much like the film’s pious drug dealers, everyone was actually trying to put out a good product. The budget was obviously still small, but it helps when stuff like this comes off like a legitimate movie and not a one-note joke. Even if it is a legitimate movie where a member of the clergy uses her Tommy gun in the service of Street Justice.

Terri briefly considered renaming her bed & breakfast, but they’d already made the neon sign.

I wouldn’t be shocked if writer/director Joseph Guzman had a bad time at Catholic school. The film is merciless in its depiction of villainous priests and nuns, painting them as morally vacant drug pushers and killers. They even allow their nuns to be put to work as coked-out prostitutes. (Suffice to say, if you take offense to negative portrayals of religious leadership, this is not the movie for you.) But all hope is not lost! Our heroine, Sister Sarah, is on a mission from God…or at least some higher power that came to her in a drug-induced haze and commanded her to kill all sinners. It’s almost like FRAILTY with naked women instead of Bill Paxton.

While not as good as CARLITO’S WAY, the sequel still featured Sean Penn with a Jewfro.

Everything about NUDE NUNS is played overly dramatic, but with silly stuff peppered throughout, like random lesbian sessions, gratuitous strip club scenes, or a guy getting his dick shot clean off. And every time a new location or character is shown, the film feels the need to freeze frame with a grandiose title card…even in the middle of a rape. Which brings me to the most ridiculous and memorable thing about the movie: a henchman named Kickstand. Kickstand is your average heavy—large, muscular, obedient—except his sole purpose is to rape whenever he’s told. Most villains will call in someone to threaten or interrogate via punches. Kickstand is brought in to nonchalantly sexually assault people on command. Even the elderly. It’s equal parts bizarre, horrific and kinda funny. And I’ll let you guess why his nickname is Kickstand.

NUN VS. NUN was a bit preachy, but still better than both ALIEN VS. PREDATOR movies.

Some bad lines, bad acting, and plenty of nudity. (NSFW)

Some of the best and most ridiculous kills and what can only be described as a gratuitous lesbian death scene. (NSFW)

More boobs than you can shake a (your) stick at. They even throw in a ding dong for the ladies.

Not afraid of a little blasphemy? Buy this movie here!

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