Awfully Good: Halloween Resurrection

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Director: Rick Rosenthal
Stars:Busta Rhymes, Tyra Banks, Jamie Lee Curtis

Is there a plot?

After finally dispatching his sister and longtime nemesis Laurie Strode, Michael Myers faces his greatest enemies: Busta Rhymes and the Internet.

What’s the damage?

HALLOWEEN: H20, despite having the dumbest subtitle since ELECTRIC BOOGALOO, managed to bring Michael Myers back to the mainstream following a number of oft-ignored sequels with the help of a script by SCREAM’s Kevin Williamson and the return of Jamie Lee Curtis. HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION took this opportunity to gather everything promising about its predecessor, drop trou and squeeze out a Cleveland Steamer on its chest.

After watching “Sh*t My Dad Says,” Michael decides to change his mask to something less offensive.

Let’s start with the opening. At the end of H20, Laurie Strode finally decapitates Michael and receives closure for herself and her son after decades of fear and hiding. Psych! Michael, clearly being a man of strategy and cunning, foresaw this happening and actually switched places with the ambulance driver prior to this beheading. Not only that, but The Shape was smart enough to crush his larynx so the driver couldn’t say anything to stop Laurie from axing him. So why was fake Michael still trying to kill Laurie seconds before meeting the Curtis Guillotine at the end of H20? Shut the hell up! HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION doesn’t care about your stupid questions!

Tarantino’s VEGA BROTHERS prequel was worse than we all feared.

So accepting this retcon, it’s been three years and Laurie Strode is now faking insanity and locked up in an asylum where she can wait for Michael and prepare for their final fight…in a locked down facility where she has no access to materials or the ability to leave her room freely. Smart. Somehow Laurie still manages to rig some HOME ALONE-style booby traps on the roof to ensnare her brother when he does predictably come for her. But before she can finally kill him once and for all, Laurie remembers how she accidentally decapitated an innocent dad of three in the flashbacks you saw just moments before. Wanting to be sure that no paramedics have magically teleported into the deranged masked man hanging in front of her, she decides to reach precariously over the ledge to unmask him. This does not end well. In a final act of horror, Laurie Strode kisses her brother on the lips before plunging to her death. Oh, spoiler.

“We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We kill you while you sleep. Do not f*ck with us.”

And that’s just the first 10 minutes! Amazingly the rest of RESURRECTION manages to live up to a cold open where the franchise’s beloved heroine is offed in carefree fashion. They do this with one secret weapon: Busta Rhymes. The film has a moderately decent cast that includes young Starbuck, Katee Sackhoff, Sean Patrick Thomas as a guy obsessed with nutrition and psychosis, former ROOKIE OF THE YEAR Ian “Funky” Thomas “Buttloving” Nichols, and living embodiment of evil Tyra Banks. However, it’s Busta Rhymes that’s the true all-star here as an online producer who enjoys kung fu movies, excels at internet commerce and has an unending supply of one liners and holiday related insults. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Busta Rhymes yells at Michael Myers and call him “dawg” until he gets confused and leaves. And you’ll never achieve true enlightenment until you’ve witnessed the rapper attempt to use martial arts to beat The Shape. It’s not Mr. Rhyme’s fault he’s so bad; it’s the filmmakers’ fault for giving him things to say and do on camera.

Ted really sucked at Peekaboo.

And this time the carnage isn’t even Michael’s fault. Having finally killed off his entire family, he retreats to his home only to find a bunch of dumb teenagers inside with webcams, attempting to document a night in the Myers’ household. Killing them is legally a matter of self-defense in the face of home invasion. It’s also the point where RESURRECTION attempts to use its plot as commentary on internet culture and reality TV. The implementation of “Dangertainment” is genius and allows the filmmakers to further their bold ideas about society with scenes where a guy is killed to death with a tripod or where the hero uses the camera cord itself to strangle Michael Myers. So deep…

The filmmakers don’t even have the common courtesy to show Tyra Banks’ death scene onscreen. One can dream…

HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION is so bad that every time the iconic theme music plays it almost seems like a parody movie. And after 25 years and 8 movies, in the end it was only a moderately famous rapper that could defeat Michael Myers. John Carpenter kills himself so he can spin in his grave.

“Best” Line

Busta Rhymes talks smack to Michael Myers until he gives up and leaves. Apparently asking him to “skedaddle” is his one weakness.

“Best” Parts

1) I give you Busta Rhymes using poor kung fu to defeat Michael Myers. He also electrocutes The Shape’s testicles. BONUS: Some more of Busta’s amazing performance.

2) A bit of Sean Patrick Thomas’ bizarre outlook on nutrition and psychosis and his ensuing fight with Michael.

Nudity Watch

One girl gets topless in Michael Myers’ dungeon lair. Freaky!

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Trick or treat, motherf*cker!! Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

Michael displays superhuman abilities (breaking through walls, squeezing people’s heads to death, being impervious to chainsaws, etc.)
Michael lowers himself down from something
Busta Rhymes says a one liner
Busta Rhymes talks to himself

Double shot if: