Awfully Good #200: Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill (2011)

Director: Dennis Dugan
Stars: Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Al Pacino

For Awfully Good #200, we wanted to do something special and not just another review of an amazingly bad movie. Call it luck, fate or even divine intervention, but it just so worked out that the 200th column coincided with the release of what is surely one of the worst movies of the year—JACK AND JILL.

Remember all the terrible high-concept comedies Adam Sandler’s character made in FUNNY PEOPLE? JACK AND JILL is a terrifyingly real life version of that. (Just look at how well it fits with all the other mock posters!) And if you didn’t think Sandler’s Happy Madison Productions could put out a movie worse than ZOOKEEPER and BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR in 2011, then sadly you haven’t met JACK AND JILL.

Click to make big!

Despite the risk, I braved a screening of this cinematic abomination. (This is my gift, my curse.) And I bring you not a boring review, but a full-length commentary—a running play-by-play so you can curiously experience all the bad that JACK AND JILL has to offer without actually paying for it. And boy is it bad. Just wait until you see how this movie ends. It’s almost unfathomable.

[Obviously there will be massive SPOILERS below, if you care.]

Is there a plot?

Adam Sandler is his own annoying twin sister and she’s here to stay.

Play-By-Play

-3:45 – Alright, I’m officially in the theater. To quote Jesse Spano, “I’m so excited! I’m so scared!”

-2:20 – I wonder how much AWESOM-O got paid to dream up the plot for this movie.

-0:30 – Getting nervous. If Al Pacino has sex with Adam Sandler in drag, I’m leaving.

00:01 – Here go the title credits. I can feel my life flash before my eyes.

00:45 – Okay, there’s just footage of cute twin babies playing together. We’re off to a good start.

01:10 – Nevermind. Now the babies are taking turns farting in a bathtub. Abort! Abort!

2:20 – Present day: Adam Sandler runs an ad agency that’s about to go bankrupt. Conflict and motivation already!

3:00 – CAMEO: Regis Philbin has diarrhea and is talking to a colon puppet. The puppeteer is Dana Carvey in his first film appearance in a decade. He is in the movie for less than a second.

3:55 – PRODUCT PLACEMENT: Dunkin Donuts has a new “Dunkaccino” and wants Al Pacino to star in the commercial, or else they fire Adam Sandler and his kids live in a slightly smaller mansion..

4:45 – Adam Sandler grudgingly goes to the airport and we meet…JILL! She looks like, well, Adam Sandler in drag and has a nasal lisp that sounds like Fran Drescher dying after a sex change operation.

5:24 – Jill carries around a bird named Poopsie that also sounds like Adam Sandler. It is comically injured within the first 20 seconds of being on screen.

6:15 – After 90 seconds I’m ready to declare Jill the most annoying character since Jar Jar.

7:31 – Oh look! Sandler pal Allen Covert returns as his homeless character from HAPPY GILMORE! He is still without residence and constantly insulted and referred to as “Al Qaeda.”

9:47 – Katie Holmes Bot engage! It’s as if she’s learning real human emotion like in TERMINATOR 2.

11:23 – It’s dinner time and we learn Adam Sandler’s adopted Indian son is cute and quirky and likes to tape things to himself! As in using Scotch tape to adhere hamsters, birds, lobsters and more to his person, for no discernable reason.

12:15 – The kid tapes a pepper grinder to his head and punches Jill in the face. This is the happiest I’ve been in the last 15 minutes.

12:34 – The term “womb-mates” is coined. I have a bad feeling we will meet again.

13:04 – Jack and Jill’s secret twin language is revealed. Jill is “Pokey” and Jack is “Pagogo.” I am “appalled.”

14:17 – Jill is so gross she leaves a “sweat shadow” stain on the bed in the morning. The audience actually laughs at this.

16:55 – What is with this movie and religion? Everything is anti-Semitic (even Skype) and people keep bringing up the fact that Katie Holmes converted (to Judaism, not scientology). Nick Swardson’s atheism is also constantly mocked.

17:00 – And finally here’s Al Pacino looking especially tan and decrepit! We see him on YouTube having a mental breakdown at a man whose cell phone rings during a play.

18:41 – The gardener has a crush on Jill and only speaks in racist Mexican jokes before using the catchphrase “I’m kidding!” This definitely won’t get old.

21:21 – Now we’re being subjected to a terrifying montage of Adam Sandler cuddling himself, Jill using the toilet while her brother showers, and some joyful bits of Jill hurting herself on a horse, a jet ski and on the Price is Right with Drew Carey.

22:05 – Adam Sandler just got paid $20 million to kill a pony in a fat suit.

24:22 – Jack and Jill are watching a movie while they scratch their crotches and fart. HILARITY

27:15 – RACISM: Sandler’s son is good at computers because he’s from India!

29:09 – CAMEO: Shaquille O’Neal licks and eats ham sensually. Not slices, but an entire roast ham.

29: 30 – Please God, don’t let Rob Schneider show up.

29:33 – Please God, don’t let Kevin James show up.

32:08 – Jill is lonely and Jack decides that for some reason the best way to get rid of his sister is to get her laid. He signs her up for the Craigslist Personals section.

35:44 – CAMEO: Norm MacDonald as Jill’s date “Funbucket.” Thank you God.

36:11 – Norm sums up what the audience is thinking: “Assuming this is really happening and not some terrifying nightmare… “

38:50 – Norm abandons Jill in the middle of the date as any sane, normal human being would do.

39:45 – Oh Lord, I think we just got an upskirt of Adam Sandler in drag. Pass the eyebleach please.

40:26 – CAMEO: Johnny Depp at a Lakers game. Jill thinks he was in Duran Duran.

41:00 – Pacino meets Jill and wants to screw her.

41:01 – Al Pacino, playing himself, wants to f*ck Adam Sandler in a dress. I cannot stress this enough.

43:20 – We suffer as we watch Jill put on granny panties and play with her ear wax.

45:05 –CAMEO: There’s a surprise party for Adam Sandler. For some reason, Jared from Subway is there, along with Vince the Sham-Wow guy who beats up hookers, Christie Brinkley, Tae Bo star Billy Blanks, Michael Irvin and Bill Romanowski.

46:15 – Jill cries because there’s only one birthday cake and she doesn’t feel special. Oh sweet Death, I call upon you…

46:37 – CAMEO: John McEnroe shows up to yell at Nick Swardson for being atheist. (I wasn’t kidding about this religion thing!)

47:54 – Pacino pops up again to seduce Jill. They play a very phallic game of stickball before Jill accidentally shatters his Oscar in a glorious real-life metaphor.

49:24 – Instead, Jill goes to hang out with the Mexican gardener and his family. All of his kids are named Juan. His grandmother is a disgusting old lady with one tooth who eats hot peppers because she’s Hispanic. Jill keeps injuring the grandmother since old ladies taking a bat to the face is funny.

51:16 – A jealous Pacino breaks into Sandler’s house and, when he can’t find Jill, gets in bed to lay in her “sweat shadow.” All of Pacino’s GODFATHER goodwill instantly dries up.

51:32 – Pacino tells Sandler that he will only do the Dunkin Donuts commercial and save his company if Sandler hooks him up with his sister. PLOT POINT!

52:55 – Jill is about to have an intimate moment with the gardener when she gets terrible, hilarious gas. It is referred to as “Chimichanga Bombs” and “Chocolate Squirties.”

54:20 – We are held captive during one of the worst auditory poop scenes since DUMB AND DUMBER. Adam Sandler literally fights the smell. And someone, somewhere even taught the bird how to hold its “nose.”

57:00 – PRODUCT PLACEMENT: The family goes on a Royal Caribbean cruise. “Wow, this boat has everything!”

58:19 – Pacino calls and actually begins quoting THE GODFATHER to convince Jill to date him. Sandler refuses, but Pacino decides to come pick her up anyway. “I can smell horny across the ocean!”

59:20 – Somewhere Marlon Brando is laughing at Al Pacino for being insane.

1:01:07 – CAMEO: Bruce Jenner looking confused.

1:03:30 – Jack and a hideously pigtailed Jill bond together and do a choreographed jump rope dance to Run-DMC. This might be the worst thing in the history of ever. Even the bird is shown drinking Jack Daniels to console itself.

1:05:35 – When Jill still refuses to get with Al Pacino, ADAM SANDLER DECIDES TO DRESS UP LIKE A GIRL AND PRETEND TO BE HIS SISTER IN ORDER TO SEDUCE HIM.

1:05:36 – [assumes the fetal position and cries]

1:13:12 – Pacino takes Jack-as-Jill to his European castle, ready for sex. “You ticklish?” NO PACINO NO

1:16:00 – The two men get drunk and dance. There may even be butt bumping.

1:17:17 – There’s a touching moment where a sex-crazed Pacino hits Jack/Jill with a chair before summing up the entire emotional arc of the characters. “Jill has so much love she just needs someone to give it to!”

1:20:01 – Sandler realizes his mistake and runs out. “Screw the commercial and the 200 people I employ, I’m going to see my womb-mate!”

1:20:41 – A depressed Jill returns home to the Bronx, where she encounters…David Spade in drag, playing Jack’s former high school girlfriend.

1:21:11 – “Who’d you hook up with, Rob Schneider?” HAHAHAHAHAHA

1:24:30 – Jack shows up and the film’s big emotional climax is entirely in their twin language, which sounds like Billy Madison speaking Elvish.

1:27:17 – David Spade has a catfight with Katie Holmes, Al Pacino shows up to fight a ceiling fan, and the Mexican gardener magically appears to declare his love for Jill and make more racist comments. (Let’s get this thing wrapped up!)

1:30:05 – The film ends with the most embarrassing thing imaginable: Al Pacino rapping in a commercial for Dunkin Donuts coffee. Sample lines include: “Say hello to my chocolate blend” and “Caramel swirl, I knew it was you.” You broke my heart, JACK AND JILL.

1:31:00 – There might be something after the credits, but I’m not wasting another moment of my life on this. I want to go home and hug my dog.