Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Wes Craven
The
Case
The Prosecution: My Soul to Take, Cursed, Scream 3, Vampire
in Brooklyn, New Nightmare, producer and executive of many awful projects*
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, there have been many times on The JoBlo Movie Podcast
(every Monday on JoBlo.com) when Movie Jail warden, Jim Law, has brought up Mr.
Craven’s name as a defendant. Seeing that this week’s FACE-OFF pits Craven against
Carpenter, the prosecution feels what better time to throw Mr. Craven on
trial than now. How does one man, who’s name is synonymous with the horror genre,
create some of the two of the biggest franchises in said genre, and fill the gaps with
such horseshit? Just look at the man’s Rotten
Tomatoes rundown. Does this look like the resume of a groundbreaking
visionary of the horror genre? His last fresh rating was Red Eye in 2005?
That’s 7 years ago, ladies and gentleman of the jury, and since then he’s polluted the
genre with crap like My Soul to Take and producing other crap
like
The Hills
Have Eyes 2, The Breed and Dracula 2000. DRACULA 2000 folks! And if
Vampire in Brooklyn is brought up in the defense, the prosecution is liable to
throw someone out a window. Not really.
The Defense: Scream 1 and 2, Red Eye, A Nightmare on Elm
Street, Serpent and the Rainbow, The People Under the Stairs, Shocker*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, how can we just completely discount Mr. Craven’s
place in horror history? Can we name another person who has spawned so many imitators
in the genre? The things he’s done to create a new brand of horror back in the day
should not go overlooked, no matter the blunders he’s had over the last couple of
years. And what’s the guy supposed to do? Sit on his ass and float on the success of
his earlier work? No, he keeps plugging and plugging away. Does it always work out?
Maybe, maybe not. But he still remains prolific, and why should he be faulted for that? And besides, what’s this shit about Vampire in Brooklyn? You have
Eddie Murphy as a goddamn vampire….in Brooklyn, yo!
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Mr. Wes Craven? Will a stint in Movie Jail
help his career to get back on the right track? Has his recent run of shit sandwiches
ruined his legacy in the genre of horror? And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Wes Craven GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Jim Carrey unequivocally
NOT GUILTY of all charges. Not only is Mr. Carrey acquitted by a 95% margin,
but with such a lopsided victory, it’s likely that he’ll never see the inside of Movie
Jail. Instead, the defense for that trial is sentenced to two years of Federal “pound
you in the ass” prison.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler Eddie Murphy Vince Vaughn Tim Burton The Farrelly Brothers | Robert De Niro Val Kilmer Nic Cage John Travolta Oliver Stone Ben Stiller Jim Carrey |