This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity* and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: The Last Witch Hunter, Babylon A.D., The Pacifier, A Man Apart, Knockaround Guys
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, some of you might be shocked to see Vin Diesel up for Movie Jail, but this has been a long time coming. While Furious 7 was another big hit for the series, both financially and critically, Mr. Diesel hasn't had that much success outside of the franchise, including his latest film The Last Witch Hunter. As for his older movies, Babylon A.D., A Man Apart and Knockaround Guys were savaged by critics (all three have Rotten Tomatoes scores below 30%), and they were also pretty much DOA at the box office.
Although his Chronicles of Riddick trilogy has its fans, they haven't been critical darlings, and returning for fifth installment may have given his career and the Fast and Furious series a much needed boost, however it should be noted that the movies didn't really start to take off until after Dwayne Johnson joined the franchise. Like his F&F co-star, Mr. Diesel has dipped his toes into family fare with The Pacifier, which did well at the box office, but not so much with critics.
Mr. Diesel isn't exactly the most versatile actor either. Let's put it this way: arguably his two most well-received performances have been as the voice of a robot (The Iron Giant) and a talking tree (Guardians of the Galaxy) that can only say three words. Does Mr. Diesel deserve a life sentence? Probably not, but in the prosecution's opinion, he does need to spend some time behind bars for his cinematic crimes.
The Defense: The Fast & The Furious series, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Chronicles of Riddick trilogy, Find Me Guilty, xXx, Boiler Room, The Iron Giant
Ladies and gentlemen, it may sound funny to say this, since he's essentially the face of a multi-billion dollar film series, but Mr. Diesel just can't seem to catch a break. The actor fought hard to get a third Riddick flick made, however it received mixed reviews and barely made back its budget in domestic earnings, and with The Last Witch Hunter dropping hard in its second weekend, it's not looking like the movie is going to be a franchise launcher for my client. While Mr. Diesel is an incredibly popular actor, mostly due to the Fast and Furious movies, the prosecution is right in that he hasn't found that much success outside of the franchise.
But that doesn't mean we should toss him in prison. My client is very passionate about the films he makes, going above and beyond to promote them, so we get the feeling that they haven't just been paycheck movies for the actor. We also believe that Mr. Diesel isn't the reason why The Last Witch Hunter, Babylon A.D., etc. failed with critics and audiences. Those films wouldn't have been good, regardless of who was in the roles. The defense claims my client is a weak actor, however he showed some range in Find Me Guilty, which, unfortunately, bombed at the box office.
Ok, so Mr. Diesel is a little one-dimensional as an actor and has made several bad career choices, but does he really belong in Movie Jail? The defense doesn't think so, and we are quite confident that the jury will agree.
IN CLOSING…
What we should do with the Fast and Furious star? Has Mr. Diesel earned a cell in prison, or do you think the prosecution is coming down too hard on the actor? Is Vin Diesel GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyway, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
In last week's Halloween edition of Movie Jail, the Paranormal Activity franchise was found GUILTY of all charges, and it was a clean sweep against the found footage movies. Every single jury member wanted us to lock up the horror series, with most of the jury saying the films are fairly boring and just aren't scary enough.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher, Ehren Kruger, Chris Rock, Mark Steven Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Ashley Judd, Uma Thurman, Josh Duhamel, Saw Franchise (Halloween Edition), Zach Braff, Sam Worthington, Melissa McCarthy, The Wachowski Siblings, Kate Bosworth, Garry Marshall, David Goyer, Akiva Goldsman, Avi Arad, Damon Lindelof, Hayden Christensen, Dennis Dugan, Sharon Stone, Jessica Biel, Nick Swardson, Simon Kinberg, Alex & Stephen Kendrick, Eli Roth, Paranormal Activity Franchise (Halloween Edition)
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Edition), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez, Kiefer Sutherland, Dario Argento, Susan Sarandon, Dennis Quaid, Rob Reiner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnan, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Ivan Reitman, Stephen Sommers, Shawn Levy, Jai Courtney, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Luc Besson, Jason Reitman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Connelly, Sienna Miller, Ben Barnes, Simon West, Len Wiseman, Brendan Fraser, Megan Fox, Neal McDonough, Cameron Crowe, Katie Holmes, Elijah Wood, Tarsem Singh, Reese Witherspoon, Burt Reynolds, Ed Helms, Sean Astin, Michael Polish, Kelsey Grammer, Queen Latifah, Mark Wahlberg
UPDATES: Robert De Niro, Nicolas Cage and Roland Emmerich, Jim Carrey, Robert Rodriguez and Gerard Butler, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts and The Farrelly Brothers, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton and Shia LaBeouf, Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith & Chris Rock, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn