This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity* and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: Ride Along 2, Think Like a Man Too, Ride Along, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Fantastic Four, Taxi
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution has been thinking about bringing charges against Tim Story for quite a while and, with the recent release of Ride Along 2, I've decided now would be a good time to put the director up for Movie Jail.
Barbershop, Mr. Story's only "fresh" rated film at Rotten Tomatoes, may have done well critically and financially, but he followed it up with the critically panned Taxi and a couple of mediocre Fantastic Four movies. And while Ride Along, Think Like a Man and its sequel were hits at the box office (especially compared to their budgets), all three films received mostly negative reviews. Mr. Story is also a basic "point-and-shoot" director, and doesn't seem to have much visual style as a filmmaker.
Mr. Story has definitely earned some jail time with his abysmal filmography and lackluster directing, and the prosecution is recommending he serve a year to 18 months in prison, although I have a feeling the jury will want to put him away for much longer than that.
The Defense: Think Like a Man, Hurricane Season, Barbershop
Ladies and gentlemen, clearly the prosecution is desperate for a win, however Mr. Story shouldn't have to shoulder all the blame for the critically failures of Taxi, Think Like a Man Too, etc., since he doesn't direct from his own scripts. Yes, he was probably still involved with the development of those movies and also isn't the strongest director, but he's pretty much just a gun-for-hire filmmaker, which, for the record, isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Although none of my client's directorial efforts have been critical darlings, many of them have scored well with audiences. Ride Along, for example, only has a Rotten Tomatoes rating of 14%, but its audience rating is 59%, while 62% of users enjoyed the follow-up. And at least his Fantastic Four movies feel like FF flicks, unlike the Josh Trank-directed reboot.
The defense understands why Mr. Story is being considered for Movie Jail, but that doesn't mean we need to lock him up, and the jury should give my client a pass since he's been directing from subpar scripts.
IN CLOSING…
So what do you think we should we do with the filmmaker? Are you a fan of his work, or does he belong behind bars with his Ride Along stars? I ask you, the jury, is director Tim Story GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyway, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
Marvel star Chris Hemsworth was found NOT GUILTY of all charges in last week's trial, and the jury tore the prosecution a new one for putting him up for Movie Jail. Jury members said although most of Mr. Hemsworth's non-comic book movies have failed to connect with critics or audiences, he's not a bad actor, and that it's way too early in his career to throw him in the slammer.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher, Ehren Kruger, Chris Rock, Mark Steven Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Ashley Judd, Uma Thurman, Josh Duhamel, Saw Franchise (Halloween Edition), Zach Braff, Sam Worthington, Melissa McCarthy, The Wachowski Siblings, Kate Bosworth, Garry Marshall, David Goyer, Akiva Goldsman, Avi Arad, Damon Lindelof, Hayden Christensen, Dennis Dugan, Sharon Stone, Jessica Biel, Nick Swardson, Simon Kinberg, Alex & Stephen Kendrick, Eli Roth, Paranormal Activity Franchise (Halloween Edition), Kevin Hart
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Edition), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez, Kiefer Sutherland, Dario Argento, Susan Sarandon, Dennis Quaid, Rob Reiner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnan, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Ivan Reitman, Stephen Sommers, Shawn Levy, Jai Courtney, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Luc Besson, Jason Reitman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Connelly, Sienna Miller, Ben Barnes, Simon West, Len Wiseman, Brendan Fraser, Megan Fox, Neal McDonough, Cameron Crowe, Katie Holmes, Elijah Wood, Tarsem Singh, Reese Witherspoon, Burt Reynolds, Ed Helms, Sean Astin, Michael Polish, Kelsey Grammer, Queen Latifah, Mark Wahlberg, Vin Diesel, Barry Levinson, Aaron Eckhart, Luke Wilson, Martin Campbell, Blumhouse Productions, Tim Allen, Justin Long, Will Ferrell, Chris Hemsworth
UPDATES: Robert De Niro, Nicolas Cage and Roland Emmerich, Jim Carrey, Robert Rodriguez and Gerard Butler, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts and The Farrelly Brothers, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton and Shia LaBeouf, Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith & Chris Rock, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn