Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking shithouse.
The Defendant
Tim Burton
The Case
The Prosecution: Dark Shadows, Alice in Wonderland, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Planet of the Apes, Batman Returns.*
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it pains the prosecution to bring Mr. Burton to trial, but when soliciting the court for who should take the stand
next, the name brought up that provided the most interesting argument was Mr. Tim Burton. The prosecution recognizes that it’s been some time since Mr. Burton has had
a “fan favorite” hit, but should that excuse his recent string of shit filled burritos? While Mr. Burton has given the public visually impressive movies over the last
decade, it’s like picking up a knockout of a stripper, only to find out that she has all the personality of plywood. But with way better tits. Do we feel the book should
be thrown at Mr. Burton? Not necessarily. But there does need to be some kind of court appointed discipline to show Mr. Burton that just because you slap eye makeup
on Johnny Depp and throw him in a cloak, it doesn’t automatically make the film a hit. Alice in Wonderland. Really? Dark Shadows. Effin’ REALLY??!?! The man needs
to be stopped before he does any more damage to his legacy.
The Defense: Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Sleepy Hollow, Big Fish.*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, who doesn’t like Johnny Depp in eye makeup and a cloak? Terrorists and conservatives, that’s who. Mr. Burton has created some of
the most interesting and original characters of the past quarter century, not to mention that it’s not every year/decade we find a director with such a unique vision
that is truly HIS. Look at the first string of movies: Pee Wee, Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands. His next flick Batman Returns definitely has its fans and
detractors (looking at you Prosecution) but he then followed that up with Ed Wood, a winner of two Academy Awards (Best Supporting Actor Martin Landau and Best
Makeup). Is that an accident? No. And before the book is totally written on his career, we WILL see Mr. Burton prove the prosecution wrong with another string of
solid, unique character driven movies. If Mr. Burton fails to deliver, the defense will personally escort him to Movie Jail.
IN CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Mr. Tim Burton? Are his recent string of less than stellar movies enough for a conviction? Is it possible for Mr. Burton
to redeem himself with the upcoming Frankenweenie or is that not enough? Does Mr. Burton still posses the potential to blow our minds like he has in the past? And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Tim Burton GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK’S VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Mr. Nic Cage
NOT GUILTY of all charges. The jury threw this court room into a tailspin by vehemently supporting Mr. Cage’s innocence, with the most common defense being
that had it been any other actor in Mr. Cage’s “crazy” roles, the movies wouldn’t be half as watchable. Plus, ONE ARMED PUSHUPS, BITCH. (thanks to Jimbo for the linkage).
