This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity* and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: Last Man Standing, 3 Geezers!, Crazy on the Outside, The Six Wives of Henry Lefay, Wild Hogs, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Zoom, The Shaggy Dog, Christmas with the Kranks, Joe Somebody, Who is Cletis Tout?, For Richer or Poorer, Jungle 2 Jungle
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, with Christmas right around the corner, the prosecution has decided to bring charges against someone who is no stranger to movies involving the winter holiday season: Tim Allen. The comedian and Home Improvement star played Jolly Old St. Nick in 1994's The Santa Clause, which has since become a holiday staple for many families. But the sequel only received mixed reviews, while the third installment was panned by critics, and he also starred in Christmas with the Cranks, one of the worst Christmas films ever made.
Mr. Allen isn't up for Movie Jail just because of his negatively reviewed X-Mas-themed flicks though. His filmography is littered with movies that have "rotten" scores at Rotten Tomatoes (including 2010's Crazy On the Outside, his sole feature directorial effort), and he's played it incredibly safe by mostly taking roles in family-friendly films. As for his acting, it seems Mr. Allen is only capable of portraying manly-men, and he's essentially been playing the same type of character since his Home Improvement days. Speaking of which, he can currently be seen on the ABC series Last Man Standing, which is pretty much a clone of his hit 90s sitcom.
All the prosecution wants for Christmas is for Mr. Allen to serve a significant amount of jail time, and I'm confident that the jury will make my holiday wish come true.
The Defense: Toy Story franchise, Redbelt, Big Trouble, The Santa Clause 2, Galaxy Quest, The Santa Clause, Home Improvement
Ladies and gentlemen, aughuuuh? My client has appeared in several financially successful movies, but, like Kelsey Grammer, I've always seen Mr. Allen as more of a television star than a film star, and the defense has a feeling that he is fully aware of his limitations as an actor. And while Mr. Allen may not have a hell of a lot of range and isn't known for taking challenging roles, he is very good at what he does.
My client seems quite content sticking to what has worked for him so far, and why shouldn't he? Mr. Allen could probably retire on his Home Improvement, Toy Story and The Santa Clause royalty checks, which doesn't excuse him for making bad movies, however it might explain why he doesn't stray too far from his comfort zone. My client isn't a strong actor, but he can really shine when given the right material. He was the perfect choice for Toy Story's Buzz Lightyear and the William Shatner-esque Jason Nesmith from Galaxy Quest, and although The Santa Clause sequels weren't as good as the original, he did just fine in the role.
Mr. Allen doesn't have a fantastic resume and may not be the world's greatest actor, but the defense still doesn't believe he belongs in Movie Jail.
IN CLOSING…
What should do with the Galaxy Quest and Wild Hogs actor? Lock him up for his poorly received movies and lazy acting, or let him walk? Is Tim Allen GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyway, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
Since last week's trial ended with a hung jury, the court has decided to put Blumhouse Productions on probation. We are open to revisting the case against the production house, so hopefully they continue to make movies more like The Gift and Creep and less like The Boy Next Door and The Gallows.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher, Ehren Kruger, Chris Rock, Mark Steven Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Ashley Judd, Uma Thurman, Josh Duhamel, Saw Franchise (Halloween Edition), Zach Braff, Sam Worthington, Melissa McCarthy, The Wachowski Siblings, Kate Bosworth, Garry Marshall, David Goyer, Akiva Goldsman, Avi Arad, Damon Lindelof, Hayden Christensen, Dennis Dugan, Sharon Stone, Jessica Biel, Nick Swardson, Simon Kinberg, Alex & Stephen Kendrick, Eli Roth, Paranormal Activity Franchise (Halloween Edition), Kevin Hart
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Edition), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez, Kiefer Sutherland, Dario Argento, Susan Sarandon, Dennis Quaid, Rob Reiner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnan, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Ivan Reitman, Stephen Sommers, Shawn Levy, Jai Courtney, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Luc Besson, Jason Reitman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Connelly, Sienna Miller, Ben Barnes, Simon West, Len Wiseman, Brendan Fraser, Megan Fox, Neal McDonough, Cameron Crowe, Katie Holmes, Elijah Wood, Tarsem Singh, Reese Witherspoon, Burt Reynolds, Ed Helms, Sean Astin, Michael Polish, Kelsey Grammer, Queen Latifah, Mark Wahlberg, Vin Diesel, Barry Levinson, Aaron Eckhart, Luke Wilson, Martin Campbell, Blumhouse Productions
UPDATES: Robert De Niro, Nicolas Cage and Roland Emmerich, Jim Carrey, Robert Rodriguez and Gerard Butler, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts and The Farrelly Brothers, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton and Shia LaBeouf, Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith & Chris Rock, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn