This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: Grudge Match, Escape Plan, Bullet to the Head, Zookeeper, Spy Kids 3: Game Over, Eye See You, Avenging Angelo, Driven, Get Carter, Daylight, Assassins, Judge Dredd, The Specialist, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Rocky V, Tango & Cash, Rocky IV, Rhinestone
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, with Grudge Match bombing with critics and failing to generate almost any interest at the box office, the prosecution has decided it's time to send Sylvester Stallone to Movie Jail. It can't go any worse than Arnold Schwarzenegger's trial, right?
This year has been a little rough for Mr. Stallone. All three of his films released in 2013 were critical failures and underperformed in theaters (Bullet to the Head, Escape Plan, and the previously mentioned Grudge Match), and he also wrote the script for Homeland, a completely forgettable movie. But it's not as if the actor is just having a down year. The last film Mr. Stallone starred in that wasn't The Expendables or Rocky related to earn a fresh rating at Rotten Tomatoes was 2003's Shade, and almost no one saw that movie. He has appeared in plenty of flops like Get Carter and Driven, and the only way to describe his performances in those films is lazy.
But the real problem is outside of The Expendables, Rocky, or Rambo, Mr. Stallone just hasn't done anything that great for the past decade. Eye See You? Garbage. Avenging Angelo? Awful. And if we are being completely honest here, the first Expendables film wasn't that great and although the intense violence in the last Rambo was awesome, it's still not as strong as the previous movies in the series.
Starring in bad films isn't a new trick for Mr. Stallone though. From 1983 to 1993 the actor appeared in a bunch of terrible movies (Rhinestone, Tango & Cash, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot), and also directed Staying Alive, the absolutely horrible sequel to Saturday Night Fever. Mr. Stallone's filmography from the mid to late 90s isn't fantastic either: does the prosecution really need to remind the jury how painful it is to watch Judge Dredd?
The prosecution knows Mr. Stallone is an incredibly popular actor, but if you look at the evidence, it is obvious he needs to spend some time in Movie Jail.
The Defense: The Expendables 2, The Expendables, Rambo, Rocky Balboa, Shade, Antz, Cop Land, Cliffhanger, Demolition Man, Oscar, Lock Up, Rambo III, Over the Top, Cobra, Rambo: First Blood Part II, Rambo: First Blood, Rocky III, Nighthawks, Victory, Rocky II, F.I.S.T., Rocky
Ladies and gentlemen, I shouldn't even have to defend Sylvester Stallone, because him being considered for Movie Jail is beyond ridiculous. The man gave us Rocky and Rambo for Christ's sake, and there's no way the jury is going to send him to prison, FACT. Also a fact: the jury is going to tear the prosecution a new one for this trial.
The prosecution claims Mr. Stallone hasn't had a great year (which may be true), and has had previous periods of not so great work, but he completely ignores how the actor has rebounded from his failures. Mr. Stallone might go through stretches where he doesn't appear in the best films or give the greatest performances, but it's not as if he's stuck only doing VOD or direct-to-DVD movies. Why? Because he's Sylvester f*cking Stallone, that's why. He's still a great action star, a decent actor, and fans love the big fellow.
Mr. Stallone also deserves a lot of credit for bringing together so many action stars for The Expendables movies. He's a big reason why people like Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared in the films, and the defense feels Mr. Stallone is the glue that holds everything together in these films. Without him, they just wouldn't be as good.
But Rocky, Rambo, and The Expendables aren't the only good films featuring the actor. People forget just how great he was in Cop Land, and he was also fantastic in films like Demolition Man, Cliffhanger, and Lock Up. Mr. Stallone isn't just an action star either. The defense has a soft spot for Oscar, and the actor did a fine job voicing Weaver in Antz.
Sylvester Stallone for Movie Jail? Not going to happen. Not now, not ever.
IN CLOSING…
Should Sylvester Stallone be sent to Movie Jail, or does the jury think the prosecution's case against the actor is ludicrous? Does the actor deserve a prison sentence, or is this trial a waste of the court's time? Is Sylvester Stallone GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
COMMENT BELOW WITH YOUR VERDICT!
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
Shia LeBeouf had a few supporters in last week's trial, but they weren't enough, and the actor has been found GUILTY of all charges. Most of the jury felt they could look past some of his bland performances and films (and for being kind of a dick), however they refused to ignore how unethical it was for him to plagiarize Dan Clowes' comic. Shia LaBeouf is going to be sitting in a cell in Movie Jail for a long time, where he belongs.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Special), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd