This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity* and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: Do You Believe?, Moms' Night Out, Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, Boys of Abu Ghraib, Demoted, Stay Cool, Forever Strong, The Final Season, Click, What Love Is, Marilyn Hotchkiss Ballroom Dancing & Charm School, Slipstream, Bigger Than the Sky, Smile, 50 First Dates
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Sean Astin stands before you today because of his very unimpressive post-The Lord of the Rings movies. Mr. Astin doesn't disappear into roles and is, at best, an average actor. However, the prosecution still feels he should and could be landing roles in higher quality projects.
The actor has only appeared in two high profile releases since his third go around as Samwise Gamgee, 50 First Dates and Click, and although neither Adam Sandler film received high marks from critics, the prosecution would still take them over Do You Believe? and Moms' Night Out. Both did almost nothing at the box office and were also panned by critics. In fact, 2007's Borderland is Mr. Astin's only recent fresh rated film at Rotten Tomatoes. The prosecution doesn't have a problem with the actor mostly sticking to supporting roles, but don't you think he should be able to find work in better films than Cabin Fever: Patient Zero or Stay Cool, especially with LOTR on his resume?
While the prosecution does't believe Mr. Astin deserves to spend the rest of his days behind bars, he does need to serve some jail time for his terrible career choices.
The Defense: Borderland, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Bulworth, Courage Under Fire, Rudy, Where the Day Takes You, Memphis Belle, Staying Together, The War of the Roses, The Goonies
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Astin's films as of late haven't been well-received by critics, but he's still a decent actor who doesn't belong in prison. And even though he's starred in more than a few mediocre-to-bad movies, it's not like he mails in his performances. 50 First Dates, for example, featured a very fun turn by my client.
Clearly this trial is less about Mr. Astin's talents as an actor though and more about the movies he has appeared in, but in the defense's opinion, he's earned a pass with his The Lord of the Rings, The Goonies and Rudy roles. Some may also argue that he's not a big enough name to be considered for Movie Jail, which is more than likely the reason why my client hasn't starred in bigger and better movies. He's just picking from the roles that are being offered to him, and we shouldn't lock him up for that.
Mr. Astin is a pretty busy actor, and besides his big screen credits, he's also done a ton of voice work (most notably as the voice of Shazam in Justice League: War and Justice League: Throne of Atlantis), and had a main role in the first season of FX's The Strain as CDC administrator Jim Kent. Maybe my client needs to be a little bit more more selective when it comes to picking his movie projects, but the defense highly doubts that the jury is going to side with the prosecution in this case.
IN CLOSING…
Do we need to toss Mr. Astin in the slammer for his recent films, or is a prison sentence too harsh? What do you think we should do with The Goonies actor? Is Sean Astin GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyway, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICTS
In last week's Movie Jail Updates, the jury decided that they wanted to stick with the original verdicts, meaning Ice Cube and Vince Vaughn will continue to serve jail time, while Owen Wilson will remain a free man. Most jury members said Mr. Cube and Mr. Vaughn haven't done anything to prove they should be released, and that Mr. Wilson still doesn't belong in prison.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher, Ehren Kruger, Chris Rock, Mark Steven Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Ashley Judd, Uma Thurman, Josh Duhamel, Saw Franchise (Halloween Edition), Zach Braff, Sam Worthington, Melissa McCarthy, The Wachowski Siblings, Kate Bosworth, Garry Marshall, David Goyer, Akiva Goldsman, Avi Arad, Damon Lindelof, Hayden Christensen, Dennis Dugan, Sharon Stone, Jessica Biel, Nick Swardson
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Edition), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez, Kiefer Sutherland, Dario Argento, Susan Sarandon, Dennis Quaid, Rob Reiner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnan, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Ivan Reitman, Stephen Sommers, Shawn Levy, Jai Courtney, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Luc Besson, Jason Reitman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Connelly, Sienna Miller, Ben Barnes, Simon West, Len Wiseman, Brendan Fraser, Megan Fox, Neal McDonough, Cameron Crowe, Katie Holmes, Elijah Wood, Tarsem Singh, Reese Witherspoon, Burt Reynolds, Ed Helms
UPDATES: Robert De Niro, Nicolas Cage and Roland Emmerich, Jim Carrey, Robert Rodriguez and Gerard Butler, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts and The Farrelly Brothers, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton and Shia LaBeouf, Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith & Chris Rock, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn