This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: New Year's Eve, I Don't Know How She Does It, Sex and the City 2, Did You Hear About the Morgans?, Spinning Into Butter, Failure to Launch, Dudley Do-Right, 'Til There Was You,
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, during Matthew Broderick's trial last week several of you commented on how his wife, Sarah Jessica Parker, should take the stand next. Broderick's case might be a debatable, but there's no denying SJP is the guiltiest of the guilty. Many actors and actresses have been accused of playing the same character or playing characters that seem to be mirrored versions of their real life personas, but few, if any, have done it so often as Sarah Jessica Parker.
Am I exaggerating when I say she always plays successful women from New York? Only slightly. Ms. Parker might have won a bunch of Golden Globes and Emmys as Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City, but playing almost identical characters in nearly all of her recent films has done her absolutely no favors. And it's not like Sarah Jessica Parker is appearing in award winning films either, except Golden Raspberry winners. Her filmography from 2009 to 2011 looks like a list of Movie Jail war crimes: Did You Hear About The Morgans?, Sex and the City 2, I Don't Know How She Does It, and New Year's Eve. And it's not like her earlier films were much better. Dudley Do-Right anyone?
But the prosecution's main complaint against the actress is her post-Sex and the City filmography and for good reason. Some critics have called the show a game-changer and say it helped revolutionize how women are portrayed on television. Others say it killed feminism, but we want to look at the positive side of that issue. Why? Because for all the good she may have done for women while on Sex and the City, she has completely erased it with her recent films. These roles aren't just poor caricatures of her Carrie Bradshaw character: they are a slap in the face to every women who felt empowered by Sex and the City. It's like they take the worst parts of the show and her character when making a film around Ms. Parker, and then expect fans to show up.Â
Female movie goers and television viewers deserve better. Hell, we all deserve a break from Sarah Jessica Parker. It's time for the actress to pay for her crimes against film and her own sex. Long story short, Sarah Jessica Parker needs to spend some significant time in Movie Jail.
The Defense: Sex and the City (series and first movie) Smart People, The Family Stone, State and Main, Extreme Measures, The First Wives Club, Mars Attacks!, Miami Rhapsody, Ed Wood, Hocus Pocus, Honey Moon in Vegas
Ladies and gentlemen, to be honest the defense feels a little like Keanu Reeves at the beginning of The Devil's Advocate with this trial. Hey, some cases are harder to defend than others. But the jury should remember that Sarah Jessica Parker can act and has been pretty damn good in the past. Ed Wood is a particular favorite, and besides being a great film her performance is excellent. Hocus Pocus is a fantastic Halloween movie for kids and SJP brought a lot of energy to the role. Sure, some of her recent films have been questionable, but Smart People is a fine small movie starring the actress, even if it does feel like a Woody Allen knock-off.
And speaking of her "questionable" movies, are they really the worst movies ever? It might be easy to shit on Sarah Jessica Parker and maybe make a horse joke or two, but would you actually compare her films to war crimes? You can knock her for playing Carrie Bradshaw too often, but it fits her well and many female fans love her, even though the prosecution claims they should reject the actress. Would you say the same thing to movie buff who is male and likes Jason Staham or Vin Diesel? I don't think so.
Look, the defense knows most of the jury probably had a verdict ready as soon as they saw the headline, but take some time with this case. Revisit some of her films and you might be surprised to see how talented she actually is. Sarah Jessica Parker might forever be known as Carrie Bradshaw, but that should not equal a guilty verdict.
IN CLOSING…
Should Sarah Jessica Parker be sent to Movie Jail? Is she an untalented actress or one stuck playing a well-known character type? Is she to blame or is she just accepting the roles that are offered to her? Is Sarah Jessica Parker GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
COMMENT BELOW WITH YOUR VERDICT!
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
Looks like Ferris Bueller isn't going to get a day off for a long time since the jury has decided Matthew Broderick is GUILTY of all charges. Some members of the jury tried to play the nostalgia card, however it wasn't enough and the actor is now sitting in Movie Jail. Tough break Bueller.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer