Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Santa Claus
NOTE: We here at the Movie Jail facility and JoBlo.com support the term “Happy Holidays”, because we want to include all of our
friends from all across the world that celebrate different traditions this time of year. But when’s the last time you saw a great Kwanzaa movie? Or a Hannukah
flick that didn’t start with “Eight Crazy” and end with “Nights”? Through circumstance and marketability, there have been a ton of Christmas movies over the years
with various Santa Clauseseses, who’s the representative for said holiday.
WHAT THE COURT WANTS FROM YOU: We’re presenting a few different interpretations of the jolly old, bearded cookie hoarder. You won’t see Billy Bob
Thorton or Goldberg in this because we all love them. So pick the Santa that YOU think belongs in Movie Jail. Let’s get started!
A Christmas Story Santa
The Prosecution: What a cock this Santa is. You’re supposed to listen patiently to the little rugrats and their wishes and what does this guy
do? Has his elf put Ralphie and Randy on the slide to nowheresville. When Ralphie crawls up the slide in an effort to show how passionate he is about wanting an
Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle, Santa simply says “you’ll shoot your eye out” and boots him in the face. Asshole.
The Defense: What’s Santa supposed to do? For one thing, spoiler alert, Ralphie winds up injuring himself with the BB gun (not shooting his
eye out mind you), so Santa and everyone else is vindicated here. Secondly, Santa is seeing approximated 4,340 kids on that day alone, he doesn’t have time for stupid
Ralphie to be trepidatious
about telling Santa what he wants for Christmas. Thirdly, who didn’t wanna see Ralphie get a size 10 Santa boot in his face?
Trading Places Santa
The Prosecution: He’s a filthy Wall Street style scumbag, born of privilege and wealth. When he’s down on his luck, he dresses up as Santa and
steals a f*cking ham. Then eats it on a bus like a savage.
Oh, showing how easily social stature can flip flop? My ass. He didn’t even hand out one piece of candy.
That’s no excuse. He even witnessed Jaime Lee Curtis’ glorious rack and did nothing about it. What an ass.
The Defense: This man has been through a lot. Lived the life of luxury, prospered like a gentleman, then had the rug pulled out from under
him. How is this not a sympathetic character? Not to mention, those “men wanted to have sex” with him. And that’s a lot to deal with.
That Santa guy from Home Alone
The Prosecution: This f*cking guy. He could be the worst Santa in recent years. When Kevin McCallister shows up to his workshop, the
tart elf could really give a shit about anyting but chewing her gum, and Santa is peeling off a ticket on his old hatchback. Seriously yo, get your shit together.
Dude doesn’t even have his beard on when Kevin rolls up. And when the young lad explains his situation, Santa’s all like, “have some Tic Tacs”. How about you just
spit on him and kick him in the nuts?
The Defense: The defense blames Hollywood for the glitz and glamour image of Santa Claus. What’s Santa supposed to do at the end of the
night? You think it’s all gingerbread cookies and nailing Mrs. Claus but Santa’s a blue collar worker just trying to grant the wishes of EVERY GODDAMN CHILD IN THE
WORLD. I mean Jesus Christ, at the end of the day he listened to Kevin (who by the way was previously referred to as a “little jerk” BY HIS OWN FAMILY) and
offered what he could, Tic Tacs. This isn’t 4D, maybe Kevin’s breath was kickin?
Jingle All the Way Santa
The Prosecution: Jim Belushi.
The Defense: I don’t know, he’s the brother of John Belushi?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Halle Berry
GUILTY of all charges. In summation, the jury passionately voted “ENOUGH ALREADY” for Ms. Berry and has sentenced her to five years or three films in Movie
Jail. While some members thought she possessed the talent to keep her out of Movie Jail, it just wasn’t enough to sway the majority, no matter how many times they
sent links of her topless in Swordfish.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay
Jessica Alba Ice Cube Gerard Butler Halle Berry |
Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Roland Emmerich
Kevin Costner |