Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
The
Case
The Prosecution: All About Steve, Premonition, Miss Congeniality 2, The Lake House, Loverboy, Forces of Nature, Speed 2, Two if by
Sea*
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, let’s keep the female train rolling (ha ha) by bringing up another female defendant who’s been mentioned in the
Strike Backs for some time: Ms. Sandra Bullock. After going through her resume, we’re seeing quite a few inconsistencies in her repertoire, mostly having to do with
inactivity. Since her Oscar winning turn as Leigh Ann Touhy in 2009’s , she’s done one movie with 2012’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly
Close, a film that’s just….so-so. We understand she had some personal issues with a prior marriage but we are selfish movie fans, and this is Movie Jail, not Movie Therapy. She did okay in
The Proposal but fouled shit up in All About Steve (both in 2009), a movie so awful it received a 6% rotten rating on Rotten Tomatoes and garnered a
Razzie for Ms. Bullock. Let’s face it, she had a banner year in 2006 co-starring in the memorable Loverboy and the abysmal The Lake
House, a movie so bad I threw popcorn at my own TV. Not to mention that her career is peppered with shit rom com after shit rom com. Can we see another Oscar
worthy performance, or even a solid performance, from Ms. Bullock again? We think not, and we move for a guilty verdict.
The Defense: The Blind Side, The Proposal, Crash, Miss Congeniality, Demolition Man, 28 Days, A Time to Kill, Speed, The Net, While You
Were Sleeping*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, here we are again with another Academy Award Winning actress on the chopping block. Sure, Ms. Bullock has had some
stinkers, but it’s clear to us that these shitpiles have a lot more to do with the movies themselves being horrible, and not the defendant. Ms. Bullock has always
remained extremely cute and incredibly charming, from movies like While You Were Sleeping and Speed, to more recent fare like The Blind Side and
The Proposal, which could’ve been a good, straight comedy that turned all rom com-ish at the end. We also think she possesses the necessary dramatic chops to
lend some credibility to her CV. She was beyond great in Crash (even though we personally didn’t care for the film), The Net and A Time to Kill,
and even though she “won” the Razzie for All About Steve, she accepted the award and gave a speech.
Sandra Bullock? More like Sandra got Bollocks, yo. She does a fair amount of romantic comedies, but when compared to the likes of and Jennifer Aniston, they’re pretty damn tolerable. We ask for leniency in this case, and hope the jury agrees.
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Sandra Bullock? Does she need to work more to keep her out of Movie Jail? Is her acting pedigree up to snuff or was
her Academy Award a fluke?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Sandra Bullock GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Julia Roberts
GUILTY of all charges. In yet another landslide verdict, Ms. Roberts was found to be incredibly bland, boring and most of all, overrated. The members moving
for her acquittal noted that compared to other actresses in her class, she isn’t doing too bad. At the end of the day though, the jury overwhelmingly voted for her
incarceration.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay
Jessica Alba
Ice Cube
Gerard Butler
Halle Berry
Marlon Wayans
Julia Roberts |
Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Roland Emmerich
Kevin Costner |