Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Roland Emmerich
The
Case
The Prosecution: 2012, 10,000 BC, The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla, Independence Day*
It’s that time again where we throw another director on the stand. Right now, we’re at 3 a piece for directors in Movie Jail and those
walking free, and what better tie breaker than Mr. Roland Emmerich. As far as we can tell, if there’s one thing that Mr. Emmerich loves more than storylines
that go nowhere and embarrassing dialogue, it’s beating up Earth. But why? It’s nature, bitches love nature and shit. Now, Mr. Emmerich doesn’t have as
long a resume as some of our previous directors, but those films that are part of the prosecution’s evidence are just awful. We know a lot of you love ID4,
as we did when it first came out, but the years have not been kind to it. Seriously, watch it again. It has all the Emmerich staples: horribly written
dialogue, cheesy, over the top characters, and weak sauce scenarios so unbelievable, even for Hollywood, that it makes our faces bleed. Remember in The
Day After Tomorrow when Dennis Quaid’s all “Fuck it, let’s walk from Philly to New York City in a blizzard, should take us a half hour.”? And then the
wolves played hide and seek with the survivors? Yeah, we wish we didn’t remember that. We haven’t seen Anonymous just yet, but we’re thinking
Shakespear walks outside for a leisurely stroll and gets punched in the mouth by a hurricane.
The Day After Tomorrow aka When Earth had enough of the Statue of Liberty’s shit.
The Defense: Stargate, Universal Soldier, The Patriot*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, we’ve been down this road with the likes of Michael Bay: a director who makes big budget, action films for a
specific audience. These people know what they’re getting with a Roland Emmerich film and from what we can tell, his audience seems okay with the finished
product. So where’s the crime in creating a visually appealing big budget disaster movie like Independence Day or 2012? If there’s a place in
the movie going world for things like Twilight or Sex & the City films, why can’t these exist? And by Chris Bumbray’s favorable review of Anonymous, it looks like Mr. Emmerich is switching things up by
scaling back and trying his hand at more dramatic fare (he has another film to be released in 2013 called White House Down starring Tanning Chatum and
Jaime Foxx). If the positive reviews of Anonymous are any indication of where Mr. Emmerich’s career is headed, why don’t we take some time to see how
it plays out before throwing him in the slammer?
2012 aka John Cusack drives a limo through the end of the world
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Mr. Roland Emmerich? Is his style of action/disaster movies really all that bad? Or are they so bad that
he needs to be stopped immediately? And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Roland Emmerich GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Kristen Stewart
NOT GUILTY of all charges. Early on, the jury made it clear that KStew is still a young up and comer with potential to have a solid career as
a Hollywood A-lister. Even though she’s free, the jury has suggested that she be put on a 5 year or 3 movie probation to see how the next few steps in her
career develop.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler Eddie Murphy Vince Vaughn Tim Burton The Farrelly Brothers Michael Bay | Robert De Niro Val Kilmer Nic Cage John Travolta Oliver Stone Ben Stiller Jim Carrey Wes Craven Matthew McConaughey Robert Rodriguez Kristen Stewart |