Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking shithouse.
The Defendant
Robert De Niro
The Case
The Prosecution: New Year’s Eve, Analyze That, Showtime, The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle, Godsend, Meet the Fockers, Little Fockers,
Righteous Kill.*
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it is not so easy for the prosecution to bring Mr. Robert De Niro to trial.
But due to Mr. De Niro’s selection of movies over the past couple of years, the prosecution feels the need to step in before things get worse. We understand
that Mr. De Niro is worthy of knighthood at this point and sure, the man has created some great performances but is that enough to absolve him from starring in a bunch
of shit heaps recently? A look at his Rotten Tomatoes page shows the man has
contributed to 26 movies in the past 10 years and only 7 of those movies have a fresh rating. That’s…..a percentange…..that is not good. Look, the prosecution
doesn’t handle math problems, only Movie Jail cases.
The Defense: Everything from 1973 to 1998.*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, are you fucking kidding me? According to Movie Jail Warden, Jim Law, Mr. De Niro has created the single greatest performance ever committed to film. Oh, you don’t like that one? Talk to my friend Travis Bickle, and once he’s done shooting you in the face (and you
survive….just go with it), maybe you’d like to talk to this guy
, this guy, this guy
or this fucking guy. Aww, whassamattawitchyou? Too much of a tough guy? Too one note for the jury?
How about if Bobby De Niro (we get to call him Bobby) does a 180 on dat ass and gives you some serious performances like Leonard Lowe in Awakenings, or the
hilariousRupert fucking Pupkin in The King of Comedy. It’s absurd for the court to hear the reasons why Mr.
De Niro should be
found Not Guilty, and frankly, it’s embarrassing as well. No I don’t have pants on. Whatever. The defense rests.
IN CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Mr. Robert De Niro? It is an undeniable fact that Mr. De Niro has created some of the most memorable performance in the
history of “moving pictures”, but does that make up for the lackluster decade and a half? And the most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Robert De Niro GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK’S VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing last week’s evidence, the court finds Mr. Eddie Murphy
GUILTY of charges against the movie going community. Due to the possibility of Mr. Murphy shelling out a solid R rated movie, he is sentenced to at least 10
years or to be given at least 3 movies to free him from Movie Jail. In the event Mr. Murphy shits down our throats again upon his release, the court will have no
choice but to give him a life sentence without parole. This court will not fall for the banana in the tailpipe again.