Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking shithouse.
The Defendant
Val Kilmer
The Case
The Prosecution: Every straight to DVD movie since 2006.*
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, let’s look at who we’re dealing with here.
Exactly. What in holy hell is actually sitting there?
Yeah, we remember when you were Batman. And when you were Doc Holiday and Jim Morrison, but what has the man with the shitty elbow
actually given us in the past few years? A whole lot of straight to DVD drivel that makes fat Steven Seagal look like Daniel Day Lewis. In 2012 alone, the man has eight goddamn movies to be released, two starring straight to DVD veteran and hottie Gina Gershon. And only one out of eight looks to be worth anything even remotely rentable or downloadable. I mean, for Christsake, he’s co-headlined movies with 50 Cent and future Movie Jail defendant Cuba Gooding Jr.. We don’t know what
kind of legacy Mr. Weird Elbow has to protect at this point, or even if it’s worth protecting, so it only stands to reason that he be convicted of all charges and tossed into Movie Jail where he
belongs.
The Defense: Tombstone, Top Secret!, Real Genius, MacGruber, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, The Doors, Heat, Top Gun, *
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, the defense simply can’t defend the above “Hey Guys…” Batman picture. If a guy wants a burger with fourteen Miller Lites, that’s
his gosh darn business (sorry for the salty language). But honestly, the guy is making a living as a working actor. And let’s not forget, the man started off his career with a bang. Top Secret!,
Real Genius, Top Gun, Willow and The Doors. Also the jury should note that the time span between Mr. Kilmer’s first movie (Top Secret! 1984)
and the movie that put him on the map (The Doors1991) is seven years. Seven long years in which he did about a movie a year, and two of those were TV movies. After
his turn as the Lizard King, he had hits with Tombstone, Heat and Batman Forever (not loved but still a hit). Sure, he’s got more STDs than a Kardashian’s lipstick (allegedly), but for what they are, some
of the flicks aren’t half bad. Not to mention his hilarious role in MacGruber, and his solid performances in both Bad Lietuenant: Port of Call New Orleans and
Kill the Irishman. So, if you’re gonna crucify a guy over a good work ethic, then I guess you hate someone else that has a good work ethic too: The Jesus.
IN CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Mr. Val Kilmer? Do we accept mediocrity in this courtroom? Can we forgive mediocrity? Are Mr. Kilmer’s crimes really all
that bad? And the most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Val Kilmer GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK’S VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing last week’s evidence, the court finds Mr. Robert De Niro
NOT GUILTY of all charges. The jury feels that the Pros outweight the Cons by a mile, and even though Mr. De Niro has had a handful of shit bombs in the past
few years, we need to look at the absolute magic he’s created on screen. Come on, there’s no question here.
