Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are
Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the
Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of cinematic inconsistency or on the flipside, consistently being
a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Owen Wilson
The
Case
The Prosecution: Hall Pass, The Big Year, How Do You Know, Marmaduke, Little Fockers, year One, Drillbit Taylor, You Me & Dupree, Around the World in 80 Days, The Big Bounce, I Spy, Marley & Me*
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, while taking in the goodness that was Evil Dead this weekend, we were treated to a trailer for The Internship with Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilso. It got us thinking, it’s been a while since we’ve seen a solid Owen Wilson performance. And considering the court has already sent his co-star Vince Vaughn to Movie Jail, we feel it is in everyone’s best interest that Mr. Wilson also be sent to said facilities. While the defendant has written and produced some quality movies and roles over the years, we feel he’s left all there is on the table. We enjoyed Midnight in Paris, but that is but one bright spot in an otherwise shitty five year stretch. Perhaps some time in Movie Jail could set Mr. Wilson on the right path (i.e., more Wes Anderson collaborations) and break up the trend that he’s been on for the past few years.
The Defense: Fantastic Mr. Fox, Midnight in Paris, Cars, The Darjeeling Limited, Night at the Museum, Wedding Crashers, The Royal Tenenbaums, Zoolander, Meet the Parents, Rushmore, Bottle Rocket *
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, we feel our client, Mr. Wilson, deserves some leniency in this case. Has he had some clunkers in the past? Sure, but who hasn’t? His last big release, Hall Pass, wasn’t completely horrible, and generally, Mr. Wilson is good in whatever subpar movie he acts in. That counts for a lot in our book. Not to mention, his collaboration with Wes Anderson has created some of the best movies over the last decade. Just last week, we had Mr. Wilson’s Marley & Me co-star Jennifer Aniston take the stand, and there were quite a few of people who moved for her dismissal. If the jury can find it in their movie going hearts to acquit Ms. Aniston (oops, spoiler), then surely they can dismiss Mr. Wilson’s case. But we understand, Ms. Aniston has way better tits than Dignan does.
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Owen Wilson? Has he simply just had a bad few years and made a few bad choices? Should he be punished for that? Will a couple of years in Movie Jail do the lad some good?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Owen Wilson GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
Let’s
hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU,
GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Jennifer Aniston
NOT GUILTY of all charges. By only a handful of votes, the jury kept America’s sweetheart out of Movie Jail, citing the quality of her movies not being completely “horrible”, and also giving props to her overall hotness.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn
Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay
Jessica Alba
Ice Cube
Gerard Butler
Halle Berry
Marlon Wayans
Julia Roberts
M. Night Shyamalan
Katherine Heigl
Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Tyler Perry |
Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer
Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Roland Emmerich
Kevin Costner
Sandra Bullock
Hilary Swank
Al Pacino
Keanu Reeves
Kevin Smith
Channing Tatum
Jennifer Aniston |