Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Matthew McConaughey
The
Case
The Prosecution: Fool’s Gold, Failure to Launch, Sahara, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, The
Wedding Planner, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it’s time we start holding some of these Hollywood folk accountable for their crimes, past and present. There is no
statute of limitations here. We need to take a closer look at those that dip their toes in the shit pool too often. Such is the case with today’s defendant. Sure,
he’s had some respectable hits in the past few years, but does that make up for all the rom-com schlock of yesteryear? Especially knowing that he’s capable of doing
great work, it’s like going into a convenience store and smacking the clerk in the face and stealing his money. And your accomplice is a hot actress. Who can’t act.
Does this court allow actors and actresses to let these crimes go just because they make a few good movies? We think not, and we’d like the court to make an example
of Mr. McConaughey by finding him guilty to show such actions will not be tolerated in this court.
The Defense: A Time to Kill, Dazed and Confused, Killer Joe, EdTV, Frailty, Reign of Fire, We Are Marshall, The Lincoln Lawyer, Contact,
Tropic Thunder*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, a guy uses his natural good looks and charisma to make a few movies that will get women to drop their panties for years to come, and
this is a crime? If anything, the man should be applauded for finding an angle and exploiting that angle to make dat paper and tap dat ass. It’s what any guy in Mr.
McConaughey’s position would do. Let’s not forget that one of his first major roles was the now classic Wooderson in Dazed & Confused. A role so classic, in
fact, we can’t look at a hot redhead or pass a high school without uttering one of his now famous lines. Dramas like A Time to Kill, Contact and the
overlooked gem Frailty showed his true acting chops. As the prosecution has pointed out, he hasn’t done many rom-coms lately, concentrating on more dramatic
roles, a silly comedic turn in Tropic Thunder and showcasing the abs once again in Magic Mike. But it’s Mr. McConaughey’s most recent turn in Killer
Joe as an out of his mind hit man, that has us passionately moving for an acquittal of our charges. Seriously, watch that movie today.
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Mr. Matthew McConaughey? Is his foray into rom-coms unforgivable? Has his stature diminished because of this? Are his
dramatic roles just too good to convict? And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Matthew McConaughey GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Mr. Michael Bay
GUILTY of all charges. In a landslide verdict, the outpour of guilty votes showed this court that just because “you know what you’re getting” with a Michael
Bay film, and that his work is nothing but “popcorn summer box office fare”, doesn’t mean it’s free from criticism. Besides, most of the jury wanted to simply see
bars across his smug face.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler Eddie Murphy Vince Vaughn Tim Burton The Farrelly Brothers Michael Bay | Robert De Niro Val Kilmer Nic Cage John Travolta Oliver Stone Ben Stiller Jim Carrey Wes Craven |