Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Kevin Costner
The
Case
The Prosecution: Swing Vote, The Guardian, The Upside of Anger, Dragonfly, Rumor Has It, Message in a Bottle, For Love of the Game, The Company Men*
You might be surprised by Mr. Costner being thrown on trial, but his name has been brought up here and there and we think we can make a good case for his conviction. First off, what happened to this guy? The man started things off with a bang, basically taking the proverbial bull by the horns and forcing himself into leading man territory with 1987’s The Untouchables as Elliot Ness. He then went on to own the late 80s and early 90s, but somewhere around 1997’s The Postman (a so-so film), Costner lost his footing and wound up in romantic comedy territory. Up until then Mr. Costner had the 1-2 punch of leading man looks and charm, with overall “man’s man” credibility. So did he lean on his looks for the last part of the 90s and into the oughts? We think so. Since then he’s had a few moments with bringing the Hatfield and McCoys to the small screen, a nice turn in Mr. Brooks and while The Company Men was a decent movie, that was more of an ensemble performance than a great Kevin Costner performance. The prosecution feels it’s time to throw Mr. Costner in a Scared Straight situation to get him back on the track of righteousness once again.
The Defense: Wyatt Earp, Dances With Wolves, A Perfect World, No Way Out, Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, The Untouchables, The Bodyguard, JFK, Silverado, A Perfect World*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, the defense feels Mr. Costner has simply done more good than bad. This is no different than our cases
against Val
Kilmer, Nic
Cage, and John
Travolta. These are all solid actors who’ve had some ups and downs in their career and at the end of the day, were convicted of no crime. And
we think the same should be said for Mr. Kevin Costner. His run from 1987 and 1997 is so
impressive, we’re wondering why the hell Mr. Costner is even on trial. His creepy role in Mr. Brooks was a nice change of pace and his move into producing an Emmy award winning miniseries shows that he’s branching out into other avenues. Seriously, the prosecution needs to get its shit together.
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Mr. Kevin Cosnter? Could he benefit from a year or two in Movie Jail? Is his legacy solid enough to escape prosecution? And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Kevin Costner GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
In what could be the closest decision in Movie Jail History, the court finds Roland Emmerich
NOT GUILTY of all charges. Early on, the jury was definitely swayed by the defense’s argument that Mr. Emmerich’s films were non-sensical horseshit, but late in deliberation, the overall love of Independence Day and the willingness to forgive said “horseshit”, was enought to tip the votes just slightly to a 22-26 acquittal of charges.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler Eddie Murphy Vince Vaughn Tim Burton The Farrelly Brothers Michael Bay | Robert De Niro Val Kilmer Nic Cage John Travolta Oliver Stone Ben Stiller Jim Carrey Wes Craven Matthew McConaughey Robert Rodriguez Kristen Stewart Roland Emmerich |