Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are
Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the
Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of cinematic inconsistency or on the flipside, consistently being
a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Keanu Reeves
The
Case
The Prosecution: The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Lake House, Hardball, Sweet November, Johnny Mnemonic, Feeling Minnesota, The Watcher,
Henry’s Crime, Chain Reaction, A Walk in the Clouds*
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, having just recently gone through The Matrix Trilogy again, we were struck by a few things. Firstly, there
might not have been anyone more perfect for the Neo role, despite Mr. Reeves’ sub par acting chops. In fact, he’s so damn awful in a lot of movies, we wonder how
he’s lasted this long to begin with. Secondly, the lack of visibility Mr. Keanu Reeves has played in his career recently has us wondering if he’s not some kind of
Movie Jail Fugitive. Going through his most recent films, he’s only done two features in the past few years (minus documentaries) and has another coming out in
2013. Shit, the only thing Mr. Reeves has been notorious for in some years is the Sad Keanu meme. Is this a
legacy worth protecting? We think Mr. Reeves’ incarceration is a long time coming, and hope the jury agrees.
The Defense: The Matrix Trilogy, The Devil’s Advocate, Constantine, A Scanner Darkly, Bill & Ted 1 & 2, Thumbsucker, The Replacements
(guilty pleasure), Speed, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Point Break, Speed*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, it’s Keanu fucking Reeves. At this point, we know what we’re getting with Mr. Reeves. The audience knows that and
Hollywood knows that. So, if Mr. Reeves gives the audience what they want, what’s the crime? Mr. Reeves has shown that he can do pretty well in various genres like
Speed, The Devil’s Advocate, Thumbsucker and let’s not forget, he’s responsible for one of the greatest series of movies ever. No, not The
Matrix Trilogy, Bill & Ted! So, let’s leave Mr. Reeves alone. He’s got his own lonely bench in the world, so let’s leave him be.
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Keanu Reeves? Is it about time we throw his lack of emotion ass in jail? Since he obviously has fans and has been
successful so far, does that deserve an immediate acquittal?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Keanu Reeves GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
Let’s
hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU,
GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Cuba Gooding Jr.
GUILTY of all charges. While Mr. Gooding Jr. didn’t have the luck of fellow straight to DVD star Val Kilmer did, there were a few brave souls who did vote for his acquittal. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to keep the Radio
out of jail, and he’ll be spending his remaining Hollywood career in the darkest corners of Movie Jail, contemplating where it all went wrong.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
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Vince Vaughn
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Katherine Heigl
Cuba Gooding, Jr. |
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