Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Julia Roberts
The
Case
The Prosecution: Larry Crowne, Valentine’s Day, Oceans 11 and 12, America’s Sweethearts, The Mexican, Full Frontal*
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, we haven’t featured an actress in this new year, so what better time to introduce our newest defendant
than now. She’s been mentioned in the Strike Backs time and time again, and after going over her case, we’re hoping the jury will convict Academy Award
winner Julia Roberts. Yes, Academy Award winner. Remember that? Because we barely do. Let’s just pick up this case from 2000, when she won the coveted
Oscar for Erin Brockovich and followed that up with the lackluster The Mexican. The next few years were hit and miss with bombs like Full
Frontal and American Sweethearts, and while the Oceans movies may look fun, Ms. Roberts is basically relegated to the “girl” role, which
she plays with all the energy of a broken toe nail. She hasn’t had a fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes since 2009’s Duplicity which we also
found her to be incredibly flat in, even if the movie wasn’t terrible. It’s time we lock up Madame Roberts for inconsistency in choosing quality roles over
the last few years, maybe that will light a fire under her ass and get her into gear.
The Defense: Charlie Wilson’s War, Closer, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Mona Lisa Smile, Erin Brockovich*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, there’s only been ONE Academy Award winner, male or female, that’s been brought to trial that you’ve found
guilty: Halle Berry. Are we saying that Ms. Roberts is on the same level
as Ms. Berry? It’s not even close. Have the past few years not been kind to Ms. Roberts? Possibly, but if we’re going by the movies she’s made since 2000,
the defense doesn’t see it as lopsided as the prosecution is making it out to be. She absolutely deserved the Oscar for Erin Brockovich and she was
solid in Closer, a movie that wouldn’t typically be in her wheelhouse with all its lurid sexual content. And was she really that bad in the
Oceans movies? What other actress could play opposite George Clooney and make it believable? And Brad Pitt’s not an answer. We don’t need to throw
Ms. Roberts in Movie Jail, but we will agree she’s teetering on that fine line. Let’s give her another couple of movies before convicting and
sentencing her.
Also, full disclosure, Mona Lisa Smile totally got me laid. So that’s why it’s on the defense.
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Julia Roberts? Is it time we put her on notice for having a few bad years? Has she squandered whatever good mojo
she received after receiving the Academy Award?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Julia Roberts GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Marlon Wayans
GUILTY of all charges. Like really, really guilty. With the exception of a handful of jurors, it was an across the board guilty verdict for Mr.
Wayans. Sentencing ranged from The Hole to the electric chair, but we’re going to go with a stiff life sentence with a possibility of parole when Mr. Wayans
can no longer speak or write.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay
Jessica Alba Ice Cube Gerard Butler Halle Berry Marlon Wayans |
Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Roland Emmerich
Kevin Costner |