Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking shithouse.
The Defendant
John Travolta
The Case
The Prosecution: Battlefield Earth, Old Dogs, Wild Hogs, Be Cool, Basic, Look Who’s Talking 1-3, Lucky Numbers, Ladder 49, countless
80s/early 90s movies we frankly haven’t heard of.*
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it’s that time again where the prosecution must step in and try to keep an actor from ruining his legacy. And what
a legacy it’s been. How do you go from THE BIGGEST STAR OF THE 1970s, to being the actor the readers want to see in Movie Jail the most? Like Tim Burton, Mr.
Travolta’s name has been brought up so many times that it’s time we throw his wig wearing ass on the stand. Tell me something: is there even a legacy here worth
fighting for? The way the prosecution sees it, no actor in Hollywood on Travolta’s level has been given so many chances to turn his career around like Travolta.
Three strikes and you’re out, right? BULLSHIT. Travolta’s been at the plate for years, swinging at the same pitch, with only a foul tip here and there to show for
it. What happened to Vincent Vega and Chili Palmer? Instead we get Old Dogs and Wild Hogs and Boggy Bogs (look it up, it’s in production
[Editor’s note: No, it’s fucking not, you’re lying.]) Somebody’s gotta step in and stop Mr. Travolta before he completely ruins what he’s built
up, if he hasn’t already.
The Defense: Pulp Fiction, Saturday Night Fever, Blow Out, Get Shorty, Face/Off, Urban Cowboy, Primary Colors, Phenomenom, Savages.*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, the defense would like to have the prosecution’s statement on wig’s stricken from the record. And let us also remind the jury that
another wig wearing defendant (Nic Cage) was acquited and found not guilty. So chill on the
wigs. Should the man not be acquited of all charges for commanding one of the greatest comeback performances
in history? The defense can’t even hear the name “Lance” without screaming in Tourette’s like fashion “We’re losing her Lance!” Sure, he dipped off in the 80s
after classic performances in Saturday Night Fever and Grease, but he still had the little seen 1981 gem Blow Out before, well, his star blew out
for the remainder of the decade. The 90s brought Mr. Travolta back in a big way and he took advantage of what was offered. Big deal! The 2000s has seen him in a
slump but is it enough evidence to lock him up and throw away the key? Not a chance.
IN CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Mr. John Travolta? The man has at least five classic film characters he’s created in his 40 year career that might’ve left
a gap in awesome had you taken any of the those movies out. On the other hand, don’t consistently shit on us and then be all like, “Hey, why’s it raining chocolate?”
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is John Travolta GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK’S VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Mr. Tim Burton
GUILTY of all charges. The jury feels that Mr. Burton has played his gothic song and dance for one too many movies and relies too heavily on his “style” that
his work has been an exercise in self-parody. Oh, and the jury wants him to stop working with Johnny Depp too.