This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: The Factory, Dragon Eyes, El Gringo, Enemies Closer, Getaway, Bullet to the Head, The Apparition, Project X, Ninja Assassin, Whiteout, Speed Racer, Fred Claus, The Invasion, The Reaping, House of Wax, Gothika, Swordfish, Cradle 2 the Grave, Ghost Ship, Thirteen Ghosts, Exit Wounds, House on Haunted Hill, Dungeons & Dragons, Father's Day, Fair Game, Richie Rich, Hudson Hawk, Jumpin' Jack Flash
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this week the prosecution has decided to take aim at another filmmaker named Joel: producer Joel Silver. The Silver Pictures owner and Dark Castle Entertainment co-founder has a ton of producing credits and helped launch multiple big screen franchises, but the prosecution feels his movies as of late haven't been nearly as good or memorable as most of his older films, and over the years Mr. Silver has also produced more than a few absolutely terrible movies.
Some jury members might think it's ridiculous Mr. Silver is up for Movie Jail since he helped produce such legendary action films like Predator, Die Hard, Lethal Weapon and The Matrix.The prosecution gets it: the jury loves these movies, and they are fantastic films. But if you're going to shower Mr. Silver with praise for his hits, you also need to give him a kick in the ass for his misses. Mr. Silver has produced a bunch of films that have bombed with critics and at the box office. In the past, we could deal with some of Mr. Silver's failures like Hudson Hawk, Jumpin' Jack Flash, and Fair Game because at the time he was also producing great flicks.
Now, some of Mr. Silver's films as of late have been decent (Non-Stop, Unknown, the Sherlock Holmes movies), but none of them hold a candle to his older action movies. And besides being a producer for awful movies like Getaway, Bullet to the Head and The Apparition, he lately has also been producing way too many shitty direct-to-DVD or limited release (and I don't mean art house limited release films either) movies. Why is Mr. Silver even bothering with projects like The Factory, Dragon Eyes, El Gringo, and Enemies Closer?
The prosecution understands the jury are more than likely huge fans of many of Mr. Silver's films and the prosecution doesn't want him to serve a life sentence in Movie Jail, but it's obvious we need to do something about the producer.
The Defense: Non-Stop, Sherlock Holmes films, Unknown, Splice, The Losers, The Book of Eli, Orphan, Rocknrolla, The Brave One, The Matrix movies, V for Vendetta, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Lethal Weapon series, first two Die Hards, The Hudsucker Proxy, Demolition Man, Road House, Predator 1 & 2, Commando, Weird Science, Streets of Fire, 48 Hrs.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Silver has 113 film and television series producing credits according to IMDB. Of course not all of them are winners, but considering just how many movies my client has produced during his career, his filmography is very solid, and the good definitely outweigh the bad. Apparently the prosecution hasn't learned anything in past Movie Jail trials, because there's no way the guy who helped bring the Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, Predator and The Matrix series to the big screen is going to receive a guilty verdict from the jury, even if some of his most recent films have been mediocre.
If someone says Mr. Silver's name, what movies from the producer come to mind? Probably some the defense just mentioned, or a few of his other hits like 48 Hrs., Demolition Man or V for Vendetta. Who the hell cares if he did produce Dungeons & Dragons or The Apparition? The defense certainly doesn't, and is positive most jury members also don't give two shits about my client's bombs or his "shitty" direct-to-DVD/limited release movies because of his other great projects. Maybe a few of his most recent films haven't been as strong as his older movies, but that doesn't mean we need to lock him up.
The defense doesn't care if the prosecution is only looking for a short sentence for Mr. Silver; my client does not deserve to go to Movie Jail. Mr. Silver once said, "There aren't a lot of guys like me left. But I'm a war horse. I've been through it all. And you know something about war horses? Through the sleet, through the snow, they just keep going." The defense has a feeling Mr. Silver will also make it through this trial, and the jury will find my client not guilty of all charges.
IN CLOSING…
Do you feel Joel Silver is still a top tier producer, or have you been disappointed with his latest projects? Do his past hits make up for his spotty track record these past few years? Is producer Joel Silver GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
COMMENT BELOW WITH YOUR VERDICT!
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
Although the defense strongly urged jury members to look at other films from director Joel Schumacher in last week's trial, his treatment of our beloved Dark Knight in Batman Forever and Batman & Robin was inexcusable in the eyes of the jury. Mr. Schumacher has been found GUILTY of all charges, even though he has apologized in the past for his Batman flicks. Tough break Mr. Schumacher, but this is what happens when you f*ck with Batman.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Special), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin