This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity* and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.
The Defendant
The Case
The Prosecution: Playing for Keeps, Total Recall, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, The A-Team, Powder Blue, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Next, Home of the Brave, Stealth, Blade: Trinity
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, although Jessia Biel has appeared on countless "sexiest actresses" lists since her breakout role in 7th Heaven, her filmography is ugly as hell.
In addition to an Adam Sandler flick (I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry) stinking up her filmography, Ms. Biel also has a trio of critically panned rom-coms (Playing for Keeps, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day), and she seems to be a bad luck charm for action movies.Total Recall, The A-Team, Next, Stealth and Blade: Trinity all received low marks from critics, and most of those films also underperformed at the box office.
Ms. Biel doesn't have a lot of range as an actress though, which is probably the reason why she keeps popping up in bad movies instead of landing roles in higher quality films. Yes, she knows how to scream (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and is definitely an attractive actress, but outside of her physical assets, when has she ever made a movie better with her presence?
Maybe Ms. Biel doesn't deserve a life sentence, but she's certainly earned an extended stay in Movie Jail.
The Defense: The Truth About Emanuel, The Tall Man, Hitchcock, Easy Virtue, The Illusionist, London, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Rules of Attraction
Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Biel will likely never be seen as a great actress, but she's still a solid one, and the defense doesn't believe she belongs in Movie Jail.
While my client tends to stick to safe roles, she has taken a few risks, most notably playing against her 7th Heaven role early in her career in The Rules of Attraction. Unfortunately, her best work has been in small, little-seen films (The Truth About Emanuel, The Tall Man, Easy Virtue) that didn't receive as much attention has her bigger-budgeted flops.
Ms. Biel has starred in quite a few awful movies (and she should probably stay away from action flicks), but she does have several Ok-to-good films on her filmography, like The Illusionist and London. The defense would take Ms. Biel and her movies over Jessica Alba (who also rose to prominence around the same time) and her films any day of the week. The defense also appreciates the fact that my client has no problem hanging out half-naked in her movies.
Ms. Biel isn't the most talented actress to walk the earth and is more known for her looks than her acting talents, but that doesn't mean we should toss her in the slammer.
IN CLOSING…
What do you think we should we do with Justin Timberlake's wife? Do Ms. Biel's good movies and performances outweigh her bad ones, or do we absolutely need to lock her up? Is Jessica Biel GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?
*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyway, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?
LAST WEEK'S VERDICT
Since last week's trial ended with a hung jury, the court has decided to put Ed Helms on probation. The Hangover and Vacation actor is treading in dangerous waters, and if he has one more slip up, Mr. Helms will likely find himself behind bars.
PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr., Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special), David Spade, Spike Lee, Kevin James, Joel Schumacher, Ehren Kruger, Chris Rock, Mark Steven Johnson, Mickey Rourke, Ashley Judd, Uma Thurman, Josh Duhamel, Saw Franchise (Halloween Edition), Zach Braff, Sam Worthington, Melissa McCarthy, The Wachowski Siblings, Kate Bosworth, Garry Marshall, David Goyer, Akiva Goldsman, Avi Arad, Damon Lindelof, Hayden Christensen, Dennis Dugan, Sharon Stone
NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Edition), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore, Steve Martin, Joel Silver, Michelle Rodriguez, Kiefer Sutherland, Dario Argento, Susan Sarandon, Dennis Quaid, Rob Reiner, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mel Gibson, Pierce Brosnan, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Ivan Reitman, Stephen Sommers, Shawn Levy, Jai Courtney, Ridley Scott, Peter Jackson, Jamie Foxx, Luc Besson, Jason Reitman, Mila Kunis, Jennifer Connelly, Sienna Miller, Ben Barnes, Simon West, Len Wiseman, Brendan Fraser, Megan Fox, Neal McDonough, Cameron Crowe, Katie Holmes, Elijah Wood, Tarsem Singh, Reese Witherspoon, Burt Reynolds, Ed Helms
UPDATES: Robert De Niro, Nicolas Cage and Roland Emmerich, Jim Carrey, Robert Rodriguez and Gerard Butler, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts and The Farrelly Brothers, Ben Stiller, Tim Burton and Shia LaBeouf, Johnny Depp, Kevin Smith & Chris Rock