Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood
writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a
Movie Jail
trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and
Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the
defendant
is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking
shithouse.
The
Defendant
Jessica Alba
The
Case
The Prosecution: Honey, The Killer Inside Me, The Love Guru, Fantastic Four, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Awake, The Eye, Good
Luck Chuck, Into the Blue*
At the request of the head honcho himself, JoBlo, we’ve brought Ms. Jessica Alba to trial. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it might be easier for
the prosecution to list the movies that Ms. Alba was actually good in, but we’d have a better time finding Mr. Costello’s Shih Tzu. We know, the audience knows, the
world knows that Ms. Alba is an attractive young lady with a long filmography of dancing in her panties for no reason than to show her tooshy off, but
there are plenty of hot young actresses who not only flaunt their sexuality and hotness, but also give solid performances to the roles they play as well. Jennifer
Lawrence and Scarlett Johannson are examples of two working actresses who are aware of their sexual appeal but don’t rely on it the way, in our opinion, Ms. Alba has.
When’s the last time Ms. Alba went against the grain and chose a role that didn’t hinge on her hotness, and instead chose something that made her less attractive
(granted, if that’s possible) like Charlize Theron in MONSTER? Or even Demi Moore in GI JANE? Not to mention, she has delusions that she’s a good actress. We move for a guilty verdict. And a sentence of 5 years of solitary
confinement in a hole full of whipped cream.
The Defense: See below:*
Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, the defense will respond to these allegations with the following:
Need we say more? Sure, we admit she may not be the best actress, but there is a spot in Hollywood for sexy, vapid actresses who value themselves too highly. If said actresses occupy roles only to look nice and pretty, what’s wrong with that?
IN
CLOSING…
So, what’s to be done with Ms. Jessica Alba? Does she rely too much on her looks to get by in Hollywood? Does she really stink up a movie that bad, rendering it unwatchable?
And the
most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into
consideration, we ask
you The Jury, is Jessica Alba GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR
arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.
*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so
relax.
WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR
NOT?
LAST WEEK’S
VERDICT
It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing
last week’s evidence, the court finds Kevin Costner
NOT GUILTY of all charges. Apparently, you don’t fuck with the man who starred in some of the greatest baseball movies of all time, not to mention his
directing and producing prowess.
| PREVIOUS VERDICTS | |
| GUILTY | NOT GUILTY |
| Adam Sandler Eddie Murphy Vince Vaughn Tim Burton The Farrelly Brothers Michael Bay | Robert De Niro Val Kilmer Nic Cage John Travolta Oliver Stone Ben Stiller Jim Carrey Wes Craven Matthew McConaughey Robert Rodriguez Kristen Stewart Roland Emmerich Kevin Costner |